Hi Seasurge, we are in exactly the same horrible place aren’t we ? What you say is exactly the same for me xxxx
I am going to put up our much loved tree today, with my son, another painful hurdle, but one I think Bill would have wanted me to do. He would have had everything up and glowing by 1/12 latest.
I do share your anguish & send a huge hug, hope you can feel it xxxx
Dear @Billslove ,
My partner who passed away 10 weeks ago loved Christmas as well, he was like an excited kid during this festive time. We used to put up this small fibre optic Christmas tree every year and decorated with shiny little presents and ornaments, with a little Father Christmas on top as a finishing touch.
I haven’t decided whether to put the tree up because the thought of doing it on my own is giving me conflicting feelings… Comforting because it’s been our tradition yet upsetting at the same time to do it on my own.
I am glad you got your son by your side to give you some momentum you need to move forward, however difficult it seems at the moment.
My thoughts are with you xxx
Riley
Hi Riley,
I actually felt physically sick at the thought of doing anything but decided to in the end because of my son & just knowing that Bill would so want us to do this
It was really hard but now I’m glad we’ve done it. Sending you a hug & if you do manage it, I am with you holding your hand tightly,
Take care xxxxx
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This Christmas thing is very challenging. To be honest I wish I could go to sleep and that be the end of it all! The Covid situation is something I’m finding very stressful. My son and his wife want us (my daughter, myself and son in law) to stay with them over Christmas they are desperate for us to spend time with them because we have not been able to ( apart from a walk) since last lockdown.
Although they work 90% from home and are very careful, I’m still anxious about it. Can’t believe how we can have to deal with all this on top of our awful loss.
I’m finding the whole thing completely overwhelming.
Yet once the Christmas period is over, there is nothing to look forward to anyway. Just emptiness and nothingness.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Dear Seasurge,
Everything is incredibly painful, I wake up everyday with this awful sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been making myself do things mainly because of my son & it hurts so much but also each time I feel that Bill would have been proud as your darling husband will be of you. Try not to be on your own, perhaps you could go but make sure you can leave whenever you want to, if it gets overwhelming. Sometimes I just wrap myself in Bill’s favourite jumper & grab a hot water bottle, we need quiet times as well. I am there with you xx
I sent a private message as well, hope you received it
Hello Billslove,
Thank you so much for the advice. I need to make some effort I know because I am not the only one who is suffering. Just last night and this morning it all hit me with a vengeance!
.
I don’t seem able to access your private message. I’m not sure but you may now receive this as a private message???
I think they have some technical difficulties on the site, I sent you my email address, I’ll try again when they sort it out.
Sending a big hug & wrapping a blanket around you xxx
Dear billslove,
I have been following the thread you started following the sudden death of your husband but have hesitated to respond until now. The anguish you, and every other contributor to this thread, are experiencing stands out and I can relate to every word you and they have written. Even down to the hot water bottle which I resort to on a regular basis.
My 64 year old husband died in November 2019 while on an evening out with our 27 year old son from a sudden cardiac arrythmia. I was in the middle of a WhatsApp conversation with my husband waiting for his reply but then the landline rang and it was a policeman telling me my husband had collapsed. Our son was incoherent with shock hence the policeman phoning and urging me to get to the hospital ASAP. I was three hours away at the time looking after my elderly mum and arrived in the early hours by taxi. My husband had in fact died immediately so even if I had been at home it would have been too late.
The week before we too had been in Devon walking on the cliffs we both loved and there was nothing to suggest that it would be the last time. It was something we did throughout the year for the thirty seven years we were together and I cannot get it into my head that we will never do that again.
As every other contributor to this site will probably relate to, I have no idea how any of us survive the shock of sudden death of a soulmate but somehow we do.
Christmas is poignant at the best of times but now that poignancy has reached a totally new level. Last year I was too dazed and numb but it came and went. Like anniversaries and birthdays we live through them. Our elder son got married this summer and instead of the build up being one of the happiest times of my life I was dreading it. However we coped and I think my husband would have been proud of us.
I wish I could say it gets easier after a year but we all know that our lives have been irrevocably changed. I yearn every minute of every day for the life we had together. I still ask my husband out loud when are you coming back and then answer myself that of course he’s not.
I have found myself becoming more and more isolated from friends who cannot understand the effect of such profound shock. This year I am receiving Christmas cards hoping all that is well with me and that I am adapting to life without John. I even received one addressed to me as Mrs but reverting to my maiden name. A few weeks ago I felt I was edging away from the forum but I realise I can’t. Whilst every one of us would give anything not to be needing this site it gives us a solidarity that the outside world just cannot offer.
I feel desperately sad reading everyone’s posts but I feel an affinity that I don’t have with friends any more. I can’t find words to explain to them how I feel as there are none that adequately convey the total disorientation that comes with grief. On this site however a simple sentence says it all.
I hope you and everyone else on this thread continue to gain much needed comfort from each other. Thinking of you all xx
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Dear @Riley,
My wife passed away on my 64th birthday in mid-July this year, and I have been having the same conflicting feelings as you about putting a tree up. We have an 18inch plastic Christmas tree that I bought the first year I meet my wife, and we have put that up every year since, but usually along with a large real tree too. My wife loved Christmas, but last year I didn’t feel I wanted to get a real tree, and my wife was quite upset at that. I was so annoyed with myself afterwards that I set a reminder in my calendar for the 1st December this year. It read “Buy a REAL Xmas tree - don’t screw up like last year!!!”. My heart ached when the reminder went off this year. I so regret now that I didn’t get a proper Christmas tree last year instead.
I’m not sending out any cards this year, and I really just wanted to totally forget about Christmas (and New Year), but in the last week or so I’ve decided that I’ll put up the plastic tree next week, because my wife loved the time of year so much.
I oscillate from feeling numb to feeling as though I’m going crazy. In reality all I really want is to be back at my wife’s side as soon as possible. I hope every day is my last on this earth.
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Dear @Alston56,
Please don’t feel upset about the real tree you didn’t get last Christmas, I am sure your wife realised your company was truly the only thing she needed at that time. She might had been upset for a little while but must have forgiven you then, that’s another reminder of love.
I am so sorry for your loss and I understand the numbness and hopelessness you experience every morning. It’s reassuring to know that you put up the tree in honour of your wife.
I am glad I found this site to talk about our losses without judgement.
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Dear Jobar,
It’s really awful to know that a year on things are no better. I don’t expect them to be and that is why life going forward feels like a life sentence and one that I would willingly say goodbye to.
Something that resonates with me is this relationship with ’ former’ friends. They expect your life to move forward and whilst they cannot understand the depth of your loss, it’s as though they don’t want to ’ really’ know how you are feeling!
I won’t be choosing to spend time with those people in the future but sadly that in itself isolates you even further.
I have found comfort on this site and people who truly understand what it feels like to lose your loved one. Your life partner and best friend too soon! Sudden loss is probably the biggest trauma that a person can ever deal with. It will change you forever.
Love to you all on here. Maybe together we are a little bit stronger!
Dear Seasurge,
I completely agree that sudden death is a trauma like no other, however it occurs.
There was nothing to indicate that my husband would die when he did. He was very active and seemingly strong and for months after he died I was numb and irrational. I hoped to not wake up as well and there are days I still do. I then feel guilty because our two sons have done everything possible to give me a reason to go on.
However I didn’t want to imply in my post that things don’t change and that the rawness doesn’t ease. What I was trying to say is that even at our lowest ebb, somehow we keep going. I never imagined that I would survive my husbands funeral or collecting his ashes but I did. Whilst I dread Christmas it doesn’t compare to either of those events, nor indeed the moment I learned he had died.
I liken what has happened to having broken every bone in my body and imagining how long a rehabilitation that would take. I say rehabilitation rather than recovery. Bones heal but they are never the same.
Some people would say it is unwise to isolate from former friends but for me it is easier.
I have come to dread the Christmas post as much as brown envelopes.
Last year, just two weeks after she had attended my husbands funeral, a neighbour put a card through my door hoping that I and the family had a very merry Christmas. Then a card arrived from a cousin saying that although it was sad that John had died, she hoped we had a good time anyway. It was at that point I realised I was on a different planet and have remained so. This year nothing will surprise me so perhaps I have made progress. It still angers and upsets me but doesn’t surprise.
Hence the need for the reassurance of this forum. I do believe it’s a great source of strength for many of us .xx
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Thank you for sharing your experience Jobar. Wise words indeed. We do go on for the sake of our children who have suffered as well and are also changed by their loss.
The insensitivity of some people never ceases to amaze me, hence the comfort of being on a site where we can all understand and support each other.
It’s at times of great difficulty in life that you really find out who needs to be in your life and who doesn’t.
My darling husband was my very best friend in all the world.
Nothing will ever be the same again and life will be so much less without him.
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Dearest Jobar,
Thank you for reaching out, & don’t stop reading, posting because you are right, only we really know that this cannot ever be fixed, that we are changed for ever. The shock as your world just suddenly implodes is beyond any words. When we reach out to each other we know that it is always ok NOT to be ok. I have felt tiny little bit better by taking long walks on the coast, it’s lonely & painful but still better than not doing it.
I can breathe out there. I am sending a heartfelt hug xxx
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I’m so sorry for you loss. I found my lovely husband had passed away 6 weeks ago and the shock of finding him will haunt me forever I keep thinking could I have done something I know the answer is no but its just so painful. I have feelings of anxiety, tears, loneliness telling myself our future doesn’t exist anymore. I have 2 great daughters but still feel lonely I can’t stand the thought of Christmas. The loss is a constant rollercoaster. But on Friday I will start bereavement counselling and I know I need it I sure the pain will ease slowly but it’s a step in the right direction. I hope you will consider counselling I’m afraid you have to ride this rocky road and go with it. We all are together on this journey but there will be light at the end of the tunnel I’m sure. Take care and be kind to yourself x
Life is torture. I always thought I was a strong person but I am lost. I lost my husband suddenly 7 weeks ago & I havent stopped crying since. I feel so useless. My 2 children keep me going. Without them I wouldn’t be here now. I have to keep reminding myself that they have lost their father and are also grieving. Reading through your posts has made me realise I am not the only one suffering. My heart goes out to you all.
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Hello @Barb26, I’m glad you have found this forum and outlet. No matter how strong you are, losing your husband after 58 years of being together is going to devastate to your life.
You are not alone, others are going along the same path as you are. Reach out and can we will be stronger together
Hello Barb@26,
You are not alone in your terrible grief, please know that we are all feeling your despair and hopelessness on a daily basis. Those of us who thought ourselves strong are brought down by trauma such as this.
Every day is a challenge . On here you can say whatever you want. You don’t need to put on a brave face.
We understand!
No quick fix to this despair. We are all here United by our grief. Stronger together.
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Yes, you are definitely not alone. I am finding that terrible sadness comes over me in waves & when it does I can hardly breathe. There is still utter disbelief that my fit healthy Bill could just be gone so suddenly. I keep thinking I should have noticed something, I should have been able to save him.
I suppose we just have to keep taking small steps altogether xx
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Lots of love to you @Barb16, it is so hard. I hope you can see your way through this. To speak to others, I think is helpful and opens us up to realising that we are not alone in this grief.