I’m feeling so sad today. I feel like my life is over. I know I have to keep going but I’m 46 and feel I ruined my life. I’m alone and I don’t really have friends. I feel like if I was a better person my ex partner wouldn’t have died. I want to die. We can’t ever get back together and it’s my fault. There wasn’t anyone else I wanted to be with as much as him. I hate myself so much. I think there must be a part of me that’s evil. I would kill myself but it would destroy my parents so I won’t. Life can be hell. I’m a horrible person, very selfish and self centred, if I’d realised just how awful I was I would have worked on this and tried to improve certain aspects of myself and he’d not have died. Sorry. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Hi @Octopus11
Please don’t blame yourself - it is not your fault. You have no control over what happens to individuals where life and death is concerned.
I am sure you are not a horrible person as you are thinking of your parents on here and not wanting to cause them hurt. That demonstrates you care and that in itself is a positive attribute.
Please try to be kind to yourself - share what you are thinking and try not to let your thoughts spiral down. Seek out additional support from professionals if you think you are struggling more. There is always lots of support here - and lean on anyone close by who can support you.
Sending some love and hugs xx
Hi, i am so sorry you are here grieving your former partner. It is brave of you to share how you are feeling at this time.
You are not a horrible person. I can tell you that at times i feel the same about myself, guilt and shame are two huge emotions that i have to deal with most. Luckily, those thoughts don’t linger too long.
Please reach out to your doctor who can help when these thoughts are overwhelming.
Thank you for your kind messages @roni52 and @Pipp it’s just so hard to bear all of this and my mind is in despair so much of the time. Some days/hours are a bit better but other times I’m in the worst places. I could never have imagined how painful a loss like this is until it happened. I’m getting bereavement counselling which seems helpful. I might speak to my gp too. Xx
You’re right, the pain and despair is unimaginable, I’m 8 months into this nightmare and it has got more manageable but it is still absolutely horrendous. Very few people have any understanding of grief, I’m 42, most of my friends have not lost anyone close to them ever, let alone a partner. I suppose if you haven’t experienced grief you don’t understand it. X