Struggling with grief after losing my Dad 18 months ago

Today would have been my Dad’s 90th birthday. These past few days the pain has been near unbearable. I miss him so much, every day. We honoured him today in our own special way. But I feel like he should still be here. He was so full of life, joyful, very fit for his age, until Mesothelioma caused by asbestosis took him away from us. Over the last several years we used to choose a special day trip just he and I wherever he wanted to go. The previous weekend I climbed the Malvern Hills again as it was 5 years since I climbed them with Dad (he was 85!) it was very emotional.

I lost Mum just 14 months ago too to vascular dementia (they were separated since ‘83) but my grief for Mum is different. I feel she is at peace I can accept her death after a long struggle. But with Dad I was so close and it just doesn’t seem fair. It was only 6 months after diagnosis he died. The last few weeks I’ ve started getting panic attacks too. I just can’t get my head around it.

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Hi @LizL So sorry to hear of your recent losses. My Dad had vascular dementia and it was a blessing in a way when he passed because the person he was had left a couple of years earlier and the person in front of me wasn’t him anymore. To lose those who have been a part of our lives since we were born is tough. It sounds like you have some happy memories of time spent with your Dad in the last few years. Have you received or asked for any counselling or had a chat with your GP about the panic attacks? On this site we are all grieving after losing someone and you will find some good support and advice here. I lost my partner 5 months ago and stumbled across this forum almost by accident - it has been so helpful to me and I hope you can find some support here. In the meantime, keep posting and reading and I hope you can get the support you want here and also from your local healthcare professionals. Best wishes.

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Hello LizL - Happy heavenly birthday to your beloved Dad. Anniversaries are very, very hard to go through. I totally understand your feelings and can only send you a huge warm hug. I lost my Dad and my Husband within 8 weeks of each other 2 years ago. The 2 people I absolutely adored. I am still numb and unmotivated. I do what I have to do, go out when I have to, but with no wish to do so. I also have panic attacks. My mind seems to have “cut off”. I can’t bear to think of my husband, who I found dead on the bedroom floor. My father was 102 and I can accept his death, he had a wonderful life, but we were so close. I just get up each day and go with the flow, hoping the next day will be better. One thing I seem to be able to do is talk to them. I do this late evening - fill them in on the news, just chatting out loud. I don’t know that grief ever goes away - I guess we just have to find a way to cope however we can. Sending you loving vibes

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I’m so very sorry for your losses. I cannot begin to imagine the shock of finding your husband like that. I do hope you are finding the support you deserve. I understand about being able to perhaps accept one death more than the other. With my Mum I can accept, my Dad I can’t. Yes it’s those feelings of oh they are just going to walk through the door, or I’ll just phone them and tell them this… then realising that can’t happen any more. I don’t know that you ever get used to it. Yes I think, hopefully we find a way to learn to live with our grief. Sending you a big hug…

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Its.just terrible my dad was.my best friend we spoke.every day…my dad devoloped steriod psychoses durring his treatment and was sectioned under the mental health act

Hello Adams1 - I am so very sorry to hear about your Dad. You must be in such turmoil. There is little I feel I can say to you except myself and everybody on here are sending you much love and support at this difficult time. Remember you can always post and we are all behind you. Take care of yourself, xx

Thank you to see a loved one sectioned who was my rock and unable to eat for six months due to the nature of the cancer and a late treetment programe 12 weeks before dad started chemotherapy

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I am thinking of you and praying for you. Sending a loving hug. xx