Struggling with grief

Hi everyone, I’m 23 years old and the last 3 years I have helped care for my dad while he suffered with motor neurone disease. He recently passed in July & I was with him. I’m just really struggling to cope with life now, feeling very lost and alone even though I have a 3 year old daughter & a partner. I’m angry all the time and I just don’t want to feel like this anymore I know my dad wouldn’t want me to. Thank you x

Hi Jen,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that your dad has passed away. It sounds as though you were really supportive in caring for him and being with him right to the end.

Your loss is very recent and all the anger and loneliness that you describe are very normal. It’s important to be kind to yourself and give yourself a chance to grieve.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope it helps even a little bit to have this outlet. There are lots of other people here who will understand some of what you are feeling.

Hopefully some of them will respond to you soon but in the meantime you may want to check out some recent posts from others who’ve lost a parent, for example:

Amylou92: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/losing-my-dad-and-feeling-guilty-about-leaving-my-mum
Mel: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/bereavement-counselling-what-expect

If you’d like to chat to either of them, feel free to post a reply on their posts.

If there’s anything I can help with, just give me a shout.

Priscilla
Sue Ryder Community Manager

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Hi Priscilla,
Thank you for the reply
I know I am quite hard on myself, I always have been but it’s only because It was always just me on my own coping. I haven’t had a mother since I was a teen & none of my 6 siblings even bothered to be around when my dad was ill so in turn even while I was becoming a mother myself, me and his partner did it all ourselves. & I would do it all again if I could, I just don’t know what to do with myself now. My life did revolve around him and his daily needs for along while. I am at the moment trying anti depressants anxiety medication & waiting for councilling but would really like any advice out there. Thanks

Hi Jen,

Caring for your dad was such a big part of your life. The fact that your life no longer revolves around doing that will be another big adjustment for you to deal with on top of your loss.

It will take some time to figure out what you want to do with yourself now, as you will need to give yourself a chance to grieve. It is good that you have some counselling lined up in the future.

I have just been replying to another user called Mandy who has recently lost her dad, and she also was the only one out of her siblings supporting him. I have pointed her in the direction of your post here, but you might also be interested in reading and replying to what she has written: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/my-dad-acute-leaukemia

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Hi Jen

Just seen your post and thought i would say hello and not to beat yourself up too much about your Dad. As Priscilla has said above I had a similar situation woth my Mum.

Had been living with her for years and we muddled along together. She was fairly independant until a couple of years ago but started slowing down and then was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. I then was thrown into the maelstrom of nursing her and a relative decided to move in to help ‘care’ for her. This involved daily shouting at me and her, bullying and being very domineering. I thought this was my imagination at first until family friends who had come to see Mum started taking me on one side and privately giving me their mobile numbers with instructions to call them if it all got too much.

I felt so angry at the time but kept quiet as Mum was my priority and her comfort all to me. Now this relative is even worse, sees some money on the horizon and wants it NOW. One of the family friends is being fantastic, a surrogate Mum to me and it is really helping. Hence not being on this site the last couple of weeks.

Jen,you had the privilege of being with your Dad at the end and no one can take that from you. Stay strong as best you can. I crave cuddles but have no partner or children but hope you are getting lots both from your partner and from your daughter.

Xx

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Thank you Priscilla.
I’m really trying to not get in a rut, I will check out Mandy’s post and send her a message. Thanks

& hello Mel thank you for your reply, I’m so sorry for your loss i honestly don’t know how people can be so disrespectful when they can clearly see it’s a hard time! I have 6 siblings and not one of them helped during my dads illness either, for his last 4month I use to go up every night when my daughter was in bed and put my dad to bed. & it did use to get under my skin a lot that none of them helped out but now I can treasure all that time I had with him and how greatful he was to me for doing it and putting my life on hold. We was so close I do miss him so much. My daughter is only 2 so she asks for her grandad quite a lot which pulls on my heart more than anything because she was so use to seeing him everyday.
We send hugs to you Mel as I know I would have been a lot lower than I am without having her to keep me going, don’t let that relitive drag you down to there level, just remember your not alone & im always around if you want to chat :’)

Hi both.
I have just lost my father ( i don’t like to say lost as i do believe there still around after ) who was the person i most loved and who i had a bond with. My mother hasn’t been there for me since i was young and also my brother pushed me out of the family unit always getting in the way of me and my father and joining forces with my mother.
My father and i were on the best terms we had been on for a long time before he passed which makes it hard because he finally admitted that he knew how my mother and brother were and i finally felt as though my father had opened his eyes and that we had got back to how close we were before my mother and brother tried turning him against me. Then he was taken. It’s bitter sweet.
My father left my brother executor of the will as he would of seen it as the mans job but my brother ever spiteful took this as my dad loving him more than me and has locked me and my daughter who was my dads only grandchild out of my fathers house and has taken all his belongings even though my father would have expected him to put his issues aside and be fair to us and look after us as we were in the will as beneficiaries.
This is really hurtful. It’s a double hurt. Losing my dad and then not being able to go through his things and feel close to my dad. Even though in the will it stated that we were to split his belongings 50/50 with no arguing ( he’d even written that lol ).
My brother has not even let me be a part of the funeral doing everything himself as and i quote what he said in a nasty letter addressed to me and my daughter, ’ As executor of the will i am legally entitled to plan the funeral as i see fit by myself and do not have to include you. p.s father is dead’. Nice eh ? so i can’t even have a say in how to say good bye to my dad ! That’s how spiteful he is and also my mother who was divorced from my dad 10 years ago who he didn’t want involved but my brothers doing everything with her. It’s so disrespectful and my fathers not here to defend his wishes and no one is listening to me. She even text my daughter saying, ’ you’ve lost your grandfather and now iv’e turned my back on you so you have no grandmother either’.
The emotional hurt is killing me and my daughter who just last night had a car crash and when i text my brother and mother they didn’t even bother with her.
So as i have no family support and my only form of love from my family has gone i have found this site hoping to make some friends who can understand how hard a loss is as i am all by myself and have so many emotions going on right now it’s hard to see which are to do with what and how to get through.

Vic x

Hello Vic,
I’m so sorry for your loss & I understand exactly how you are feeling me and my dad wasn’t always so close but I treasure the time we was so much now, and mostly defenatly understand the side of selfish siblings. If you haven’t already read, my dad passed away on the 4th July this year, me and his partner cared for him For 3years of his illness of mnd & we was there at the end. I have 6 siblings and none of them helped when he was ill I would go up every night when my daughter was in bed and put him to bed because his partner couldn’t lift him I was up there near the end 3 times a day everyday and when his partner wanted to go out or spend time with her family or needed a little break away my dad would come to me. My dad never had any will or anything coz he didn’t really have much apart from the money he saved to pay for his funeral which I organised all myself. If for you it carries on like this leave them him to it, like you said your dad will still be with you and maybe do your own memorial for him at your home for you and your daughter, I have a little corner in my room with a picture of me and my dad & my dad and my daughter a vase with flowers I put in weekly and some candles I light every night. It may not be for you but that’s up to you. Your brother or your mother can not take the time and memories away from you and your daughter, belongings are mostly material what’s in your heart and mind are more important. Don’t let them drag you down at such a hard time. We are always here to chat
Jen x

Hi Vic,

Agree with Jen, you don’t deserve such treatment from your brother. I am in a similar situation so know how much it hurts. Fortunately for me there is another executor who is keeping an eye on my situation. I have to be careful what i post as it could be identifying and don’t want my comments on here used against me by my relative.

I hope your daughter is alright, what an awful thing to happen at this time,

Mel

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Having such a day today, seems to be getting worse not better… spent most my day crying in bed and just can’t seem to pick myself up ATM. GP not back in till next week. My dad would always be the one to help me with anything I needed he was always my go to person & feeling very lonely and struggling today :’( & hurts even more so it’s my daughters birthday coming up this month and she keeps asking me were her grandad is and if he’s coming to see her on her birthday! Why does life after be so cruel he was a good man and there’s so many bad people out there!!
Sorry for the rant X

Hi Jen

Sorry to hear your day has been bad, mine too. Finding now it is getting colder i am much more miserable. Sitting looking at photographs this afternoon and crying. Seems so silly as they are lovely pictures of my Mum when she was younger and she looks so beautiful and healthy.

Hope you have an appointment with your GP early next week. When i had some problems years ago my Doctor was great, a real help.

Mel.

I had a bad day today. I was really angry and was shouting and crying at the same time to my dad. Then a few hours later i decided to sort out my ‘man cupboard’ where i keep tools , car stuff, decorating stuff etc etc and while i was clearing it out there was a plastic bag that broke as there were heavy shelf holders in it and on the floor was a picture of my dad ! a passport size one. I have the same picture on a mug he gave me for christmas on my windowsill i sit by everyday. I have no clue how it got in the bag but it was nice having it appear ! Anyone had anything like this ?

Thank you both for your replies, looks like Thursday was a bad day all round I’m sorry for your bad day girls, I still don’t seem to have picked myself back up yet but I’m really trying. Hope you 2 feel better, Mel I do the same just miss him so much, even the happy memories seem to hurt on days like these!..
& Victoria yes I have had a few things like this like an old newspaper clipping on the annocement of my birth he put in and saved showed up in a place it would have never been! I believe it’s my dad letting me know he’s around still some how, I know some people don’t believe in that and everyone to there own but that brings me comfort! X

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