I lost my mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage in March last year… There are so many things i’m struggling with. I was 20 when she passed and I still can’t quite believe that i’ve lost my best friend. I now live with my grandparents and they’re the kind of “hide your emotions and get on with it” sort of people. A bit old fashioned I guess. But I really struggle with being that way. I can’t hide my emotions and it’s obvious when i’m feeling a certain way but I am never allowed to talk about my mum. Whenever she’s mentioned, the conversation gets brushed off. And because I live with my grandparents I don’t feel like I can grieve properly, my family aren’t exactly very understanding. And since it’s hit a year since she passed, everyone else has got better and i’ve suddenly got worse.
I feel awful because I feel kind of angry at my mum for her death, because she’d suffered with high blood pressure for years but wouldn’t go to the doctors or take medication. After she died, a work colleague of hers told me that she’d said she was worrying because she knew she needed the medication but she couldn’t afford the prescriptions. And she obviously didn’t feel like she could ask anyone for help.
Now i’m really struggling to get close to people, because i’m terrified of losing them. I’m very paranoid over my boyfriend and always scared that something bad will happen to him. If he doesn’t text me back quick enough, i’ll panic, and i’ll panic when he goes on nights out with his friends and things. I’ve actually spent the whole evening in bed crying because i’m worried sick as he’s gone out clubbing tonight.
I just don’t really know what my next move in life is now… Has anyone else felt the same?
(Sorry for the rant)
C x