Struggling with grieving my mum who died this year

So i lost my mum this year she was only 51 and since it has happened i have really struggled with how to deal with my own feelings about it. She had struggled for 25 years with very serious substance abuse and even though for most of those years i worried the day would come where her body would finally give in , i have to say in recent years i was beginning to think she was going to outlive me so this still really shocked me. The issue here is that our relationship was completely shattered after being removed from her care due to neglect when i was young. I am certain this has affected my grieving process- i mainly feel anger and nothing else. The lack of good memories, the unanswered questions, the way in which she was found, and the fact myself, my siblings and her parents had to identify her dead body. As a person i have always had to be tough and rarely show any emotions alone or in company of others. I feel sad for her parents and when they look at me (i’m essentially a mirror image of her) i feel guilty about me reminding them of her and a sense of pressure to make them proud to make up for the disappointment she caused all these years . I don’t want to be angry all the time , i have a daughter and i just want to move on and do the best i can. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. X

Have u thought about writing everything down in a wee book? It sounds too simple and cliche’, but I found it helped me. I never showed it to anyone and i do read it and add to it sometimes. I genuinely think it might help. Another tip is to rip out the really upsetting parts and them up ir burn them, safely though. That ways ur letting go of them physically and in turn, mentally

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