Struggling with how my mum passed

My beautiful mummy passed on the 12th Nov, I feel currently numb and empty and in denial that it has happened, I am struggling with the way she passed and it just keeps playing over and over in my head, I dream that I am still in that situation with her and it’s about to happen all over again, she was awake on a ventilator in icu and knew that when she came off it she wouldn’t be able to breathe on her own, she had to tell them when to take her off, I keep remembering the fear on her beautiful face towards the end and it haunts me, I hate to think if what she went through It’s tormenting me, I feel like I can’t even grieve properly vecause I’m still stuck there, will this pass??

Oh my gosh Angel how utterly heartbreaking. I’m
So sorry for your loss. I also have trouble letting go of my mums final days. Her fear. Knowing she was going to imminently die. It’s so cruel. How I wish she could have not been told and she just drifted off in her sleep. It’s been 15 months for me since my mum went. Those images do fade. The nightmares do lessen. They are now at peace. No longer afraid. Try not to focus on her life as those final moments. As That’s all they were just moments a few moments in a life full of being loved and happy. Remember her happy. Smiling. Being loved. Not those last few moments. She wouldn’t want you to remember her that way.


jooles45 - thank you for saying that our parent would not want us to be going over and over their last moments. I know that my my mom will want me to carry on and live my life wisely, kindly and fully. It doesn’t take away the pain, guilt, fear and all the other emotions that rule our minds but for me it’s a steer along a crooked and dark path. I am a mom myself to two grown up daughter s and I don’t want them to be sad when I am no longer here. I want them to be glad for my love and guidance and be good people. This helps meto keep going and I hope everyone here can find their own path.

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@Angel136, I am so sorry for your loss and your unsettling, troubling feelings. I experienced the very same feelings weeks after my partner died at home when i was with him… Nightmares, panic attacks & insomnia, you name it… I then went on to read about the topic about dying, often a taboo subject we tend to skip until we’ve come face-to-face with it. After many hours of reading and watching researchers’ materials, I came to the conclusion that our ‘consciousness’ is not merely produced by our brains. The brain is just a tool to connect our consciousness to our bodily senses to experience this physical world… Whatever your belief, it’s important to remind yourself that your mum is no longer in pain.

Take some time to watch some videos about NDEs, it may seem counterintuitive to do it now but most of our fear is rooted in the unknowns and by understanding more we can alleviate some of our worries and pain.

My thoughts are with you and please keep posting here.



Riley that is an amazing explanation of the consciousness. I read a book called “evidence of the afterlife”. It’s fascinating and comforting. I like to think my mum was not afraid in her last hours and that her dad was by her side and helped her transition. A medium I went to told me that. He helped her not be afraid and told her she was ok.


@Angel136 My Mother passed on the 25th November so my heart goes out to you, bless your heart.

Such a sad way that your Mother passed in that way. But you were there for her at the end (as was I), a lot of people don’t get to experience that, however awful it was. However you feel, and however fearful she was, you were there to comfort her, you were side by side and i’m sure that will be much more comfort to you in the years to come than it does now.

She has moved on to a happier, brighter place…a long way away from where she was in that hospital bed. She would want it to be the furthest thing from your mind. My Mother passed away in front of me; it was extremely hard but it was peaceful. I was lucky, sadly you weren’t so lucky my friend, but do everything humanly possible to focus on the good times you shared, look at photos, speak to those who knew her, try if you can to fill your head with positive memories so that they might start to overide the bad.

Bless your heart. I feel for you hugely


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I too was with my husband when he died. I’ 8.5 weeks on, it was very traumatic and shocking… I’m pretty cool headed but the last few days were chaotic and harsh x The shock, the trauma of his death is now fading, my anxiety is more gentle but still there . It will get easier and then we can hope that happier memories will come to us. Please.dont be hard on yourself, grief and loss takes it’s toll x but to love your mum, to have her in your life was and in time you will cherish with fondness x x I hope that for all of is x As said.earlier, she is not.feeling that now x

I am so sorry for your loss, and what an awful traumatic thing to go through. My mom also passed away at the end of November. Although not the same my mom went through a year of loneliness & fear before it. She also had a cancer diagnosis while in hospital & none of us could be with her, like you I keep thinking about how frightening it must have been for her & there was nothing we could do, other than call her, but she couldn’t hear very well & never wanted to talk. I feel the same, like I can’t grieve, that I’m stuck in those last few days, replaying them in my mind. I don’t think covid has helped with that either.
You’re not on your own.
Sending you a hug x