My darling husband Gary passed away unexpectedly on 19th September 2022. He was only 66 and i am 44. He had been diagnosed with cancer of the oseophagus (after a number of mis diagnoses) and was nearing the end of his first cycle of chemotherapy. He caught a chest infection and died within 3 days. I am so shocked that he is no longer here and am really struggling to come to terms with it. Like many of you, I thought we had more time together and there were many more adventures that we had planned. I cry for him all day every day, I can’t face going back to work, I have lost some friends and others have distanced themselves. I feel so alone, he was my best friend, we had no children and meant the world to each other. My head tells me he would hate seeing me in this state but my heart feels like I can’t go on without him. Engaging in every day life feels disrespectful when he is not here to enjoy things. I want to end it all as I cannot handle the pain but we have two little dogs who rely on me and I can’t bring myself to leave them. Every night I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up.
The pain will ease , you’ll still miss him & yes he would want you to make the best of life. grief works in waves, everyone is different though. When it comes, let it come. The stupidest things can trigger, a film you imagine he’d enjoy, well you can still talk to him. You’ve already said he would want… therefore use that ability to " tune in" there’s nothing wrong with talking to him as if he was still ’ physically’ here x I haTe people saying it will get easier, noone can say that x
I am so sorry for your loss…it is still very very early days for you and everything you are feeling is completely normal, please try not to give yourself a hard time, be kind to yourself, take your time & do everything at your own pace no matter how slow.
When I lost my husband Nov 2021 (he was 56, I was 50) I was devastated, he was my everything, I never thought I would stop crying too, but as time went by it very slowly became more intermittent. I still have a cry most days 11 months on. Remember, it’s OK to be not ok.
You say some of your friends have disappeared or distanced themselves, unfortunately this can happen as people don’t know what to say or do to help, they can’t cope with it or feel awkward. Thankfully there are good people too who will stand by you…I hope that you have perhaps one or two you know who can help support you. This forum is full too of understanding people which can really help and make you feel less alone.
In the early days, if I was vertical, dressed & relatively clean, I considered it a ‘good’ day. I certainly couldn’t consider anything I deemed too sociable as I couldn’t face it & it felt disrespectful. I did try to venture for a small walk each day for fresh air and eventually in time started to meet the odd friend on a one to one basis for a coffee, but it takes time.
I still very much take one day at a time and even break the day down into smaller hourly chunks to get through some days.
I hope your work have been understanding and are not putting too much pressure on you…you need to do that when you feel ready… have a conversation with your GP if you need more space as it is still very early days for you.
It’s just rubbish that we all find ourselves here, I just wanted you to know you are not alone and I understand what you are going through. Be kind to yourself, take everything one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. take care xx
[Good book: ‘It’s OK, that you’re not OK’ by Megan Devine.
Also Refuge in Grief website…I think Facebook too.]
I am so sorry for you loss. My husband also passed away aged 66 from cancer, within 2mths of diagnosis. I can understand where you are coming from. When I wake in the morning I wish I hadn’t as I miss him so much.
Our husbands would want us to carry on and make the best of our lives.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I agree with that BarnCat says, it is such early days for you. I lost my husband last November completely unexpectedly, he never came back from a bike ride, the shock and grief was overwhelming. I know it doesn’t seem possible but things will change and life become a little easier to accept. There isn’t anyway one gets over it, we’ve joined a club that no one wants to be in but the pain stops being so intense. Hang on in there.
As a dear friend still says to me, holding your hand tightly!
Sending kind thoughts to you and all on this site x
I am also struggling immensely with the recent passing of my beautiful husband only 2 weeks ago in similar circumstances to you. I feel so alone and have no one for support. I feel like I am going to go insane constantly thinking of the what-ifs and reliving his passing over and over. I cannot stop blaming myself and I made a promise to him that if anything happened to him that there was no way I could live without him and I just can’t. It’s too hard. I feel exactly the same as you MrsC1978. He was diagnosed with a rare type of lung cancer on 6 September and was only 3 sessions out from his planned radiation when he seemed to be worse and I called an ambulance to have him checked out and they took him to the hospital and he passed away while he was there. That was 5 October. He was only 44, we have no children and our love is like no other. We adored each other. I too can’t see any purpose in anything. Just like you said it seems disrespectful to be engaging in anything as he is not here. I can’t eat or sleep. Greg always hated it when I cried but I can’t stop. Every single thing I do all day he would be involved with and I just can’t see how I am ever meant to do anything ever again and I just keep asking myself what have I done, I feel like I caused his death by taking him to the hospital when I promised not to as we suspected a chest infection and they gave him drugs which I believe caused him to stop breathing and they didn’t even try to help him as they thought it wasn’t worth it. We weren’t there for end of life care but all they seemed focussed on was telling us when it came to it it was not gong to be worth trying to help. How can people be so cruel. But it was my fault he was in there and I don’t believe that that was his day to die. I have two cats who need me too and I wouldn’t even get out of bed if I didn’t have to feed them but I just can’t stop blaming myself and see how I am ever going to be able to live without him.
Beautiful words Tomorrow I am finally able to put my amazing wonderful husband of 27yrs to rest after losing him a month ago so suddenly and unexpected. I never got the chance to say a goodbye, I know tomorrow will be hard and need to find the strength to get through the day and remember the amazing husband and father he was and celebrate and knowledge with family and friends the joy of knowing him and how lucky we where to have him in our lives. Hoping to find the strength through this night for rest to get through tomorrow Xx
I felt the same as you back in June when l had to say goodbye to my darling husband and l am thinking of you and hope today went as well as it possibly could have for you. I remember the day as just passing in a haze. I lost my darling Paul suddenly and unexpectedly and thought we had more time and l miss him every single moment of every single day. Tears are always near. I hope you are ok and send a big Welsh Cwtch to you and yours. x
Hi @MrsC1978. I am so sad to read your message. It resonates so much with me. My amazing husband Chris died on 10th October, only 25 days after being diagnosed with lung cancer.
He had only recently celebrated his 59th birthday - I am 45 and we’d been together 28 years and never had children as our love for one another was all we needed.
When it happens so quick I don’t think we’ve had time to even process the diagnosis, and then all of a sudden our husband is gone.
I am also shocked, struggling to get through each day but I’ve found if I just saying to myself that getting washed, dressed and a bite to eat is a small win for the day. The emotions are overwhelming aren’t they?
I’m dreading the 28th, the day of his funeral but I’m trying my best to honour my husband and the deep love that he had for me, and me for him.
Please just take it slowly, minute by minute and try and find some comfort in the memories you made together which is what I’m trying to do but it’s hard isn’t it without our soul mate?
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is so hard. My husband also died from lung cancer in Sept 2mths after the diagnosis. He was. 66.
Do your husband proud and give him a good send off.
Grief is the hardest thing to go through. I miss my husband every day and cry everyday.
Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, your kind words and sharing your own experiences have enabled me to see that, although my grief feels overwhelming, I am not the only one facing this journey. I am truly sorry that we find ourselves in this situation and I wish you all strength and love as we navigate this path, supporting each other along the way xx
Thank you, my husband was also called Paul. Today was tough, exhausting and as you say felt a daze, but he would have been so proud of his children, family and friends and see how much he was loved by us all. Walking back into the house with just the children and I felt so different today than it has done every day since we lost him for the past month, I think that’s when I realised this is the new us Xxx
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband also died on the 19th of September 2022. I am absolutely lost and heartbroken like yourself. We have been married for 48 years and every day seems pointless now he is no longer with me. I send you a big hug.
A huge hug to you to. Yesterday we were finally able to say our proper goodbyes, the coming home was the hardest and realising that this is really. My heart hurts so much X
My story is so similar to yours LonelyPanda. Greg and I were everything to each other, not needing anyone or anything else as our love was enough. He had not come to terms with his diagnosis of lung cancer either and then suddenly passed away 29 days later. We had been together 20 years and hardly spent any time apart. He was only 44. I have had his service and that was immeasurably hard. I sat there and realised to myself a couple days later, this is my life now. It was a horrible feeling. I picked up his ashes on Thursday. That was even worse. I just lied in bed with him for hours and hours. I have slept each night with them. I hope you have some support around you to get through these immensely tough times coming up and keep posting here as we are all sadly going through or have gone through the same tough times. It is inconceivable that you don’t have your soul mate physically by your side to provide the comfort that only they can give isn’t it.
I am struggling so much in the mornings. The thought of a long day ahead of me without my Chris is tearing me apart.
I just lie on the sofa until I feel capable of making something to eat and then watch TV but don’t take any of it in. I have friends with me most days for a good few hours, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I don’t have my husband.
In the short space of time we had following his diagnosis we did as much as we could, even though within the first week he had to be pushed in a wheelchair. Friends took us to the zoo and he loved every minute as he said that he had a feeling it was going to be his last big trip out.
We went out every day to get fresh air and sit at a cafe. The day before he died we sat eating ice cream in the autumn sun.
I love him so much and don’t know how to be me without him.
LonelyPanda, you made me cry just now. So similar to my story. I was just thinking the exact same thing. I’m not me without Greg. the mornings are so hard for me too. the second I realise its morning the same repetitive thoughts of his passing and what-ifs go through my head all day. I will surely go insane. It’s so sad to read that Chris said the zoo might be his last trip out. I feel for you so much. The day before Greg passed he was sitting in a chair in the sun in the backyard and pulling out a few weeds. he was always proud of the garden. I truly felt like I was feeling these things by myself until I found this place. It doesn’t take away the fact the our husbands are gone by having company or chatting here but it does make me feel connected for a little bit. I’m all alone in my grief with no one to support me.
Hi Lonely Panda
I know exactly how you are feeling. I feel your pain too as I am feeling exactly the same as you. I lost my husband 6 weeks ago to lung cancer and don’t know how to carry on either. The days are just a blur.
They say to take each day as it comes. I feel lost and empty and wondering what the point of life now.
same here Jules59. i just realised that it was nighttime and the day had somehow come and gone. I keep thinking what’s the point in doing anything anymore. It’s so unbearably hard.
I am so sad for you all because the pain is dreadful. It was my husband’s funeral a week ago and I am very unhappy, lost and alone. I have lost people over the last few years, both parents and a younger sister but the pain of losing my beloved husband is truly unbearable.
I empathise with you all that feel that you can’t go on. I spend a lot of time crying and grieving. Each day and night without him seems endless.
I don’t have any words of comfort sadly as I don’t think there are any. Grief is a very lonely place. Walking back in to an empty house is heartbreaking.
Sending my love to you all. Perhaps one day at a time we can help each other through the unbelievable torment and heartache. x