Struggling with loss of both parents close together

I am struggling with the loss of both my parents , my dad on feb 22nd and my mum 4th May 2020 to cancer . I nursed them both at home but with The corona virus , Caring for mum was far more difficult as feel I was left on my own . I have a brother but hard for him to help due to the corona virus lockdown . They passed away at home , mum only with me . Her death was certified via zoom . I feel immense guilt as she couldNt have the funeral she deserved Or see her family before she passed away , even though I know it was out of my control. I feel I didn’t have to grieve my dad before mum passed away and find that hard but I can talk about him a little easier than I can my mum . I feel pressured to return to work but am very anxious about it as been off since fab to care for my dad . Just seems that they were lost within the chaos of what is going on in the country at the moment . Really struggling , any advice

Hi Lou,

I am so sorry to hear you lost both your parents, losing one parent is traumatic enough, to lose both in such a short space of time must be awful.

Please do not feel guilty you were unable to give your mum the farewell she deserved. My dad died of Covid, alone in hospital, we could not give him the end he deserved, but we tried our best, as did you. At the end of the day, you should be immensely proud that you cared for your mum and dad at the end of their life, how lucky were they to be blessed with a daughter like you, there are so many people who don’t even care about their parents, so please do not be upset that you didn’t do enough.

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Hi loopylou,
I echo Abdullahs words that you should feel immensely proud of how you cared for both your parents. you have experienced an overload of grief and have been left to do so by yourself in the most difficult and lonely of circumstances.
You say you feel guilt but it’s not you who should be feeling guilty. Where was your GP in your many hours of need particularly when your mother died at home? You say her death was certified by zoom. I cannot imagine how in a civilised society this has been allowed to happen and frankly the doctors should be hanging their heads in shame. Whilst covid has changed everything and we are all aware of the dangers it’s not beyond the whit of man to


Pressed reply too soon.
Care for the dead and dying with the dignity they deserve. Also to be aware of the distress relatives have endured. To certify a death by zoom to me is unthinkable and unnecessary. If it requires a doctor to attend wearing PPE then so be it. Whilst some in the health service have gone above and beyond to save others, primary care in many instances has hidden behind closed doors and left so many like you to struggle on alone. Having just lost your father and then caring for your mother will have put a huge physical and emotional strain on you and this should be recognised. The least your GP can do is sign you off work until you feel strong enough to return.
I and I’m sure many others on this site, feel for you and hope you will get the help to recover physically and grieve. You deserve better.
Thinking of you.

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Hi Lou, I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost your mum and dad so quickly. I can’t imagine how awful covid must of made the situation. I lost my wonderful Dad in march 19after a short illness and my mum in September 19 unexpectedly, my aunt found my mum, she had been unwell but wasn’t told it was anything serious. It’s a dreadful situation and I sometimes feel like I’m in a rowing boat with no oars just drifting aimlessly. There’s no time line on grief and I was lucky to go to bereavement therapy via Mind, which did help. I had quite a bit of time off work, really to try and get my head straight and started a part time job last week. I think you need to be kind to yourself and take it day by day. We can’t help how we feel. Could you ask your Dr for a referral for bereavement counselling if u think this might help. Look after yourself and take care.
Stella x

Dear tillwemeetagain, how sad that you had this difficulty in getting a doctor to call in your hour of need. If anything positive comes from the horror of Covid I hope a priority will be to totally reorganize our primary health care system. One day there will be an enquiry and only then will the failings of the current system be fully exposed. Whether it changes or not remains to be seen. Too much is left to the discretion of individual GPs with little sanction for being useless. those who have hidden behind the covid crisis should not be rewarded whereas those who have gone above and beyond should be recognised.
I still think that to refuse to attend when someone has died is a dereliction of duty, as it is to attend someone who is dying. Too often the doctor’s oath ‘do no harm’ is interpreted as do nothing. Our loved ones and us deserve better.x