Struggling with lost of loved ones

It’s bad enough it’s been 18yrs since my granddad died which I have never been able to get over even thinking or talking about him reduceds me to tears but within the last year his sister my anuite died the day before my daughter’s birthday and I’ve lost the one person who could tell me things about my granddad no one else could it isn’t even that that’s getting to me it’s the fact she remember my kids seeing her in hospital but not me so she died thinking I didn’t care and that’s eating away at me and I can’t cope with feeling like that’s how she died thinking that of me and on top of that I found out yesterday my own dad hid the fact my anuite Freda died and not even lit me no her funeral was Monday just gone and I don’t no how I should really be feeling towards my dad for keeping it from me or fact my last chance to say good bye was robbed from me I feel so angry over it all and I can’t even confront my dad over it as I promest my mum I wouldn’t say anything as my dad and brother wasn’t ment to even tell her as she is no longer seen as part of my dad’s side of the family (there seperated) . Every time I think about it all all I do is cry then get extremely angry because of the way I found out . Do i hate my dad for it or try move past it. How do i even tell my kids that they have lost yet another family member ? After ruby my eldest hasn’t coped well so do I not say anything or do I tell them for the fact they have a right to no? There so many things going through my head I feel like I’m on the verge of another break down. Sorry for the long on there just soo much I’m struggling with.

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