Struggling with my sisters passing

My sister passed away in August and I thought I was doing OK until this week. I just feel anger and hurt. The anger i am feeling, I feel like it’s only aimed at her husband and I really don’t like it. All I keep thinking is she was in my entire life, you were only there for half her’s, so why does he get all the control. She was cremated and he says he’s taking her to Greece, which is her favourite place admittedly, but that means it will be difficult for the rest if us to visit her. When I’m writing this it down it sounds so pathetic, I just really miss her alot and things he’s doing or trying to make us do is just not helping. Sorry, its pathetic really.


Dear @Kerryn68

Welcome to the Community, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sister. No post on here is pathetic and you do not sound pathetic. It is good to reach out and chat.

It is understandable that you are feeling angry, and it is one of the emotions that go with grief of which you are in the early stages of.

If your sister’s husband was nominated as next of kin he would then have full say as to what happens with the funeral arrangements and ashes. Have you considered chatting to him and asking him to divide the ashes, this is quite legal and can be done? Let him know how you feel, and I am sure he will understand.

I do hope you will be able to resolve this. Please continue to keep reaching out.

Take care.


I’m so sorry for your loss, my younger sister died suddenly last July her husband of 2.5 years got all the control and has her ashes, he has also moved on and met a woman from the church where my sister and him got married and where her crematorial service was, I totally understand where you are coming from, the person you do life with, grow up with who is a part of you gone and you just feel empty my dad was also found dead 3 months ago and we had to put out dog to sleep 4 months ago, the pain of losing my sister is above all the other pain I don’t think people really understand unless they have lost a sibling, I have planted a rose to try and have some kind of attachment but to be honest I think it boils down to I can’t let her go even though its been 16 months. Is your sisters other half easy to approach, could you have some ashes maybe and have them made into something or something that belonged to your sister, I’ve heard of taking clothing and turn them into a cushion to cuddle, my friend did it with her mums jumper, I hope more people reach out to you on hear, what you are feeling is totally normal, take care x


Hi Kerryn68, I am so sorry about your sister, and how your BIL is not considering your feelings. Losing a sibling takes a part of our heart. My Sister was taken almost 4 years on, and life as I knew it has never been the same. You are certainly not sounding “pathetic” You are a sister in deep pain and grief. I had an older sister who also tried to take control of my deceased Sister’s ashes, although she was unkind and did not speak to us for 6 years. To keep the peace I kept some of my beloved younger Sister’s ashes in an urn to remain with me, and let her have the rest. I understand not everyone is comfortable dividing ashes however. Please continue to post, we are all here for each other. Take care Xxx Another Sad Sister

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I lost my younger sister she was just 50.Shed only been with her husband 23 years nothing really she’d been my sister for 50 years. Ill be blunt I hated him, he was in total control of everything, he got shut of her clothes, jewelry, jacked in his job, he had a big payout from critical illness cover and he got her pension, he then got on a dating site less than 3 months after she’d passed away, he’s a new woman, she now lives with him in my sisters home. It hurts. I didn’t really expect him to live alone to never ever meet anyone knew but everything was done so fast, he just moved on and replaced her.


Thats just awful for you to deal with, it really is an emotional roller coaster, 3 months after 23 years you would think he’d be grieving a bit longer unless it’s his way of coping, because of the love we have for our sisters we can’t see why anyone can move on so quickly as our lives have been turned upside down, your emotions are understandable, take care x


That’s exactly it… if he loved her so much, claimed she was the live of his life how could he be dating other woman, staying in hotels with them, them sleeping in the bed he shared with his, wife who died in the bed? it beggers belief. He got shut of her beloved dog shed had since a puppy, sold her car and got himself a audi TT at a cost of 25000 he basically relaunched himself as a bloke with cash… her cash… splashing it around out looking for woman. Yet I was utterly broken so broken I couldn’t even speak without my throat closing off and choking such was the shock at looseing her and watching the horrific death from brain cancer. I couldn’t sleep, was on pills, lost almost 2 stone in weight initially then piled it all on through depression and grief, I still cry most days yet he is basically living the champagne lifestyle. It stinks. I will never speak to that man again or be in a room with him.

When my sister died the toss pot actually asked me if I knew any single woman who’d go on holiday with him once lockdown lifted I hope he rots in hell.

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Thats so bad of him and to ask you that, my sisters husband did the same regarding the car, day after she died he traded hers in a got a BMW, seeing him pull up in that at her funeral was beyond thoughtless, he was trying to show us the size of the boot and how smooth it was to drive, I just think some people don’t know true love, it sounds like you’re better off with him out of your family, he should be someone who understands your pain but instead is making your pain worse, I’m not sure about you but I feel a guilt for my sister that her husband didn’t grieve her long enough and I wonder if that’s why on a good day I feel like I’m failing her, it’s took 16 months fir me to have a day without the panick in my chest at the realisation she’s not here, they say these days will get longer in time,


We have asked about the ashes, he thought about it and said no. She didn’t want taking away from the dogs ashes he says. How do we know that’s true, we will never know now.
While she was poorly he didn’t tell us anything other than what he wanted us to hear. Protecting us he says but I got a Sunday the week before she died to say my goodbyes, it was the worst day of my life. I just left her there. He’d known so much more for so long and just kept us away in the dark.
He’s useless with money and my sister knew this so she’s made sure hell be ok. He’s been able to pay the mortgage off which will help him alot. But the rest was suppose to make sure he could manage, because that’s how she thought. Nope, he’s spending like it’s grist as everyday, new can, watch, trainers cus he needs more. Stupid pictures which would have really upset her and Solar panels, ridiculous. Then tells me he doesn’t like grown up things, csn I help him sorting his expenses ctedit card out for work.
Last night he told us we need to be available to let fireworks off, why, what the hell are they going to do, certainly won’t bring her back. I’m trying so hard not to sound like a horrible person, so i don’t say anything to upset my mum and dad or my brother who is finding it hard in his own way. My daughter because she would say something to him. Our friends because I get told I’m wrong he’s grieving.
I know he is but it’s like he thrives on being the one in control. He’s stopped asking me to go up at the minute because I think my face has given me away now. I just keep getting given little things when he sees me, “thought you’d like these”
I just don’t know how to feel, I cry when there’s no one around like writing this, say I’m fine, but my head is screaming and it hurts.
I’m just waffling really, writing it down to people who don’t know me is so much easier than talking to those I do. Sad but true. Thank you. Xx

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You’re not wrong in your grieving, we all grieve differently, waffle away for as long you like, you’re surrounded by people here going through the same and totally understand, after my sister died we were and maybe still convince her husband had a part in her death, none of it makes sense, within a couple of months to be told womb cancer but its a low grade you’re OK to dead, he was with her every day he could see her pain, we have found out she was struggling to walk by the end and having accidents as could make the toilet, we were told she has infections but he could see such more, 3.17am 3.7.21 was the phone call that broke our hearts, we pushed for post mortem to find she was riddled with cancer, drs ignored all her pleas regarding pain and kept treating her infection, if Ashley paid more attention and fought for her the wat we would of I truly believe she would still be here, but in saying that I believe she’s been rescued from him and his family, his mum and brother are evil, tried everything to break them up, stole the wedding girls, brother kept threatening suicide if Ashley didn’t leave her, they should be on Jeremy kyle. Talking on here helps to get stuff out of your head otherwise it starts to suffocate us, keep communicating you’re not alone x


sounds like we’ve all got issues with the the partner left behind.

.My brother in law refused to get a second opinion re my sisters, cancer. I had researched online contacted Dr’s at specialist hospitals who were willing to look at scans ect… I just wanted to ensure everything that could be done was being done. He said no. Why… why the hell when his wife was just 50 with two kids teanagers didn’t he want to everything under the sun. Ill never forgive him because we’ll never ever know if something might have been possible… deep inside I know nothing could be but I just wanted every avenue explored.

He wasn’t even at the hospital the day she was told she’d got brain cancer and needed a operation. He was told to get to the hospital, my mum was with her he bloody said ill get there when I can and didn’t arrive till evening time. He’d been to the tanning salon. what a wanker. His wife received defestateing news yet he was swanning around topping up his bloody perma tan.

looseningy sister was like haveing my heart ripped out stood on popped in and I’d to try and carry on. loosening his, wife was as if he’d won the lottery.

It sounds like he was either in complete denial of her illness or a complete beep, you shouldn’t have to have all that going on in your head while grieving your sis, I wish my sis never met him but because she did and this is the picture, atleast she’s away from that family, she would never of left him and would of put up with what his mum and brother were doing, his mother after my sister died said to Ashley she had picked the wrong daughter in law, I mean, what’s that all about, even at the service which his mum was asked not to attend but did, the minister spoke about forgiveness and moving forward, his mum is very lucky that we all kept our mouths shut for the sake of our mum that day. We look back with so many regrets of I should of /could of but that’s not going to change anything, we can now cut Ashley out of our lives but you have nephews/nieces so will still be connected, does he not see that his behaviour might have an impact on the kids, this will be a tough time for them.

Alas initially I was in a lot of contact with my neice she’s now 23 but it’s dwindled to text msg as times, passed. I have no contact with him anymore after I said he’d replaced his wife so easily. Heard on the grapevine he’s thinking of selling up and moving abroad to live with his fancy woman. I understand folks move on, life goes on but he could have waited a while or at least not been so in you’re face with his look what I’ve bought and doing now. His latest purchase a Aston Martin vanquish he always wanted one.