Struggling with not struggling

I lost my mum in October after a sudden and pretty freak accident and set of circumstances. My baby girl was 4 weeks old when my mum had her accident. We spent 4 weeks at the hospital all day every day, until my mum died. I was with her when she died, on my own with her as she took her last breath.
Now I find day to day I am ok, I’m distracted by making sure my daughter is a happy and healthy baby. But I feel guilty that I’m not struggling more with my grief. I know I’m in double survival mode and probably pumped up with adrenaline and the waves of grief may come harder and harder, but it’s hard not to feel guilt over not feeling more grief.


Hi @CampbLE

Thank you for bravely starting this thread - I have also replied to your other post in the Christmas thread.

Please do keep talking and reaching out.

Take care,


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Hi CampbLE,

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mum.

I have had similar feelings on and off, more questioning if my reaction to my dad’s death is ‘notmal’ this ranges from too extreme and too sad to feeling shallow for doing things for myself.

I lost my father in November, 8 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. The 8 weeks when he was ill and caring for him was highly stressful and traumatic. It was go, go, go and as you say running on adrenaline but also managing sadness as we knew the final result would be dad passing away.

My dad was my best friend and the love I have for him is like no other. I thought when he passed away I would either have some sort of breakdown or take to my bed unable to function. I had no idea of what grief was like and it has been very different from what you see on TV or what I have heard from other people.

I have found myself able to function, do tasks and even do things that I wouldn’t have felt brave enough to do before. This provides a distraction for a while. I have also found myself immensely sad, angry, fearful and hopeless. These feelings wash over me several times a day sometimes in short succession.

My brother lives abroad and my mum, myself and my dog have gone over for Christmas. I have a 2 and a half year old nephew who is a smiley, happy and vibrant child. We went out for dinner last night, laughed and played with my nephew and although I missed being able to tell dad about what we had done I didn’t feel the same sadness that I did later on in the evening when I was on my own.

Guilt is a major feeling I have had since dad passed away. Guilt that I couldn’t fix the fact that he was ill and guilt or unease at how I am handling my grief. Dad would hate me to be sad and everytime I feel like I can’t cope it’s like I’m letting him down.

I have never lost anyone this close to me before and I think I had a perception that if I applied certain techniques I could control my grief to some extent. I am learning that I can’t and there is no linear way of grieving. We are all different.

I am sure our loved ones would want us to look after ourselves and our remaining loved ones. We are trying our best.