Hello, I am struggling to cope with my mum’s terminal cancer. At the start of this (approximately a year ago), I promised myself I would be strong and help her through this, but I feel like I have hit a wall. My mum knows she has cancer but is frightened and doesn’t want to know her prognosis. She is my best friend, with whom I have shared everything, and for the first time, I can’t talk to her about this… I have already lost my best friend.
I feel anxious, and I am getting panic attacks all the time, scared of what has to come. I have a wonderful husband and sister, but I feel like I am becoming a burden to them. I’m hoping someone on the forum who has come through this with a similar experience can advise
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Hello @Poppy28,
I’m Alex, and I’m part of the Online Community team. I wanted to say thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and the loss of your best friend.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few resources which might be helpful right now.
- Our Supporting someone at the end-of-life pages contain practical advice for those helping someone close to death and information about what you can expect when death is near.
- Our Anticipatory grief page talks about the feelings associated with grief in the days, months or years before someone dies. This is known as anticipatory grief, as you are grieving for someone who is still alive.
- Macmillan offers support to the families of people living with cancer. They have an online chat which is open until 8pm every day. They also have a free support line which you can call on 0808 808 00 00.
I hope you find the community a good source of support to you.
Take good care - you are not alone.
Alex
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I’m so sorry you are going through this @Poppy28 I lost my Mum 2 months ago today to cancer. Getting her diagnosis and coping during the weeks ahead was incredibly tough so I completely empathise with how you are feeling.
My biggest bit of advice that helped me through is to seek some counselling. It helped me enormously to speak to someone not attached to me or my mum. I felt like a complete burden to my husband and friends and that guilt wasn’t helping me at all.
My counsellor simply listened and offered advice on how to deal with the anxiety that was creeping in around other aspects of life.
It wasn’t about getting any ‘fix’ …. No one could make it any better but being able to talk really helped to unscramble my mind.
I kept a diary too, which I’ve continued, and getting thoughts out of my head helped too.
My other bit of advice is to accept support from medical professionals. For us it was our local hospice at home nurses. We reached out fairly far down the line for mum (we did so when mum felt ready) & they were amazing in offering practical support that did make the whole thing a bit less scary.
Sending you love and support Claire x
Hello Poppy
My mum had terminal cancer and passed away last month. I felt every word you said; my mam didn’t want to know her prognosis, too. Happy to listen , I dont have any answers , but I have and have been exactly where you are now
Hey, I know something of what you are going through. My mum was also my best friend but I also felt that I couldn’t talk to her when she received her terminal cancer diagnosis, partly as I didn’t want her to know the extent I was suffering and partly because she was so busy needing practical support that there didn’t feel like any time to process my feelings or figure out what to say. After she died, I often lamented that I felt like we weren’t able to have any good moments partly due to my communication difficulties, but many have said that I gave my mum what she needed at the time, which was all the practical support around the house and things. I also recognised I was going anticipatory grief before she passed and can identify with feelings of panic and severe anxiety - the main thing I would say is that you’re doing the right thing in reaching out for support, and don’t be afraid to reach out and seek one-on-one support if you feel you need to, as it sounds as though you may need someone to talk to who may not be close to you - Cruse Bereavement for instance may be a great resource for you to have non-judgement ears to help you process what you are going through. I contacted a counsellor before my mum died and continued to speak with her for a few months after, as I was afraid to overburden my husband, which helped, although I would say when I expressed my fears to him he would assure me I wasn’t. Remember that those closest to you will want to help you as much as they can, but it can be hard to know what to say and do on both sides. I’d also just encourage you to take care of yourself; I neglected my sleep, eating and any kind of self-care, they felt insignificant at the time and I didn’t have the headspace. It may be worth speaking to your GP about the panic attacks, but I’ll admit to not having personal experience of these.
I’m so sorry, it’s a terrible thing and earth shattering and you are deserving of support.
I’m so sorry to read this @Poppy28 and really feel for you and your situation. I haven’t personally gone thru this as when my Dad passed last November it was all very sudden and unexpected.
Can you start the ball rolling on getting some counselling, maybe thru Macmillan or via your GP? It might really help you to talk to someone outside of your family and other than your Mum.
Don’t feel you’re a burden to anyone - you’re processing a rotten situation and about someone so dear to you. Is your Mum well enough to do “special” things with you and your family? Visit special places together, watch special films together, look at old photos together? I know when my Dad passed away I wish I’d asked him certain things that I didn’t know, silly things really like what was his favourite colour or favourite film. Such trivial things but things I’ll never know. I really wish I had a recording of my Dad’s voice. Could you maybe do something like this with your Mum? Maybe a funny poem she likes that she can record? You might never want to listen to it but there’s a chance you will. Something to make you smile now as well, if you listen to it. Is there anything you’d love to know about her or her life? Any early friends, jobs, holidays she took before she had you? My adult daughter had done the Ancestry thing and when she showed my Dad a couple of years ago he had some great stories about some of his wacky uncles! Had us in fits. My friend did a hand casting of her and her two children, before her beautiful daughter passed away and she loves that she now has that. That gave me the idea to get one for my daughter to do one with my Dad and we often look at it and can see everything in such detail - its beautiful. Since my Dad passed I had a piece of jewellery made for my daughter’s 21st and it has my Dad’s writing and a little cartoon he used to draw - its beautiful. Would any of these keepsakes help you now? Doing something in the present.
I’m sending lots of 
to you and your family