Struggling with the grief of my dad who took his own life

My dad took his own life April last year
A month later my boyfriend attacked me and I ended the relationship
I hate to ask for help so I have tried so hard to heal myself through spiritual practices
I really do believe I am like my dad and I suffer with mental illness just like him
I have kept myself afloat through my spiritual growth but my gut is telling me I need a little more
I definitely know talking is a massive release but I struggle to do that as I don’t want to affect my friends although they tell me off all the time for not coming to them when I am in need
I have learned so much about myself the past year. Such as I have a strong pain body that wants to feel pain and seek attention and I have tried to calm it and be positive
Which I have done amazing and I am so proud of myself, but then it catches up with me further down the line
Also, I’ve noticed today that when something bad happens to me I become this strong, positive person which I’m always so impressed with… but I’ve now realised that’s my coping mechanism and soo er or later the emotions catch up and hit hard
I feel I just need someone/people to come to when I have a bad episode to get this off my chest
To whoever has read this, thank you so much for taking time out of your day :heart:

Hi. Heaneyc. Welcome. Asking for help is in no way a sign of weakness but rather of strength. You need help, and if it’s the right sort of help then grasp it with both hands. We are all on this site willing and able to help. It’s what it’s all about. There is always some comfort in reaching out to others who understand the pain of grief. Spiritual growth can often help a lot. Do you have a spiritual adviser? Spirituality can become either a blessings or a hindrance if not seen in the right way.
Friends need to be chosen carefully. There is always the ‘pull yourself together’ brigade out there. ‘Snap out of it’ or ‘you should be better by now’. They are not friends but people with little or no understanding. Ignore them and keep away from them.
If by a strong pain body that needs attention you mean self harm, then you do need professional help.
It’s OK and no thanks are necessary. We listen and help each other as best we can. Have you had any counselling? By the tone of your post I do think it could help. Emotions can be very complex, and it often takes time and a lot of patience to sort it all out. Take heart, you are among friends.
Blessings and take special care. Come back and talk when you want to unload, it does help.

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Hi [Heaneyc]
I am so sorry to learn about your dad, it must be agonising for you. As for that lout of a boyfriend, words fail me.
There is nothing I can add to what Jonathan said in his post to you, other than you are very welcome here.
Take care and stay safe.
Blessings,
MaryL x