Lost mum back in May. Dad was a full time carer as she had been pretty much house bound since a stroke which was 4 years ago.
It is only my dad and me now and i am finding it really difficult. Helping him through his grief isn’t easy and his version of things are quite different to what actually happened. There isn’t any point in changing his thoughts as it wouldn’t help anyone but I am finding this difficult to manage for myself.
His way of dealing with everything is ver much focussed on reflecting on their life around first meeting and getting married.
I am struggling with remembering mum apart from her death which is very difficult to face.
Sorry for the rambling but I feel like i am loosing my mind and my biggest fear is not being able to recall mum apart from her final moments.
Is this grief causing the memory block and will things start to come back?
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling scared that you may lose precious memories of your mum, it must be so difficult for you right now supporting your dad and grieving yourself. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss and what you are going through.
I think you are still in the early stages of grief at the moment and that is probably why you are struggling to remember the happy memories right now. That is what happened to me, I lost my mum in March and I am only now beginning to see glimmers of better times as all I could see at first was the horrific last couple of weeks. I still see the bad times, but they are not quite as frequent or debilitating as they once were. Unfortunately, once we have witnessed such heartbreaking things, it takes us some time to process what we’ve seen and been through.
Your dad seems to be dealing with it in a different way by maybe trying to avoid thinking about when your mum was ill and focusing on his treasured memories with her. Maybe he just can’t face thinking about the end at the moment and that’s his coping mechanism. I suppose we’re all different, but I can see why that might be frustrating for you.
This community is excellent for connecting with others who understand what you’re going through and I’ve felt it helps me to not feel alone. Sending love x
Thanks for your message and kind words . It is really good to know that the memories will come back as that is one of the upsetting things , especially as mum was worried she would be forgotten .
My dad is dealing with it very differently and I try to understand but sometimes I do also resent it . But then feel guilty .
As you have said it is good to hear that you are not going mad !
Hi, sorry for the loss of your Mum, it’s devastating isn’t it? In the aftermath of loss it’s normal to go over the details on repeat. It’s almost that you have to do it so you can process what has happened. I understand how frustrating it must be when your Dad might be avoiding these details and focusing on the memories. You will remember all the good stuff, it will come in time. My Mum died six months ago and I regularly go through photos and am constantly reminded of her in little sparks of connection in my everyday life. It’s very poignant and sometimes I do still reflect on the shock details of her death but there’s a balance now. Best wishes to you xx