It’s been 3 and a half months since my mum suddenly passed away. I was in a state of shock for a while but it’s starting to sink in that she’s gone, that I’ll never see or talk to her again. We still lived in the same house and worked at the same place. I’m still in that same house which doesn’t feel like home anymore. Still working at the same place which is harder than I thought it would be, I feel like I’m just going through the motions both at work and home. I keep feeling this overwhelming feeling of anger at the world because of what happened and I’m struggling to find a healthy way of releasing that. I’m also feeling a lot of other emotions that I don’t understand so when people ask if I’m ok I just reply yeah I’m fine because it’s easier but in reality I’m really not. Not sure what I’m hoping to get out of posting on here but maybe someone reading this might feel less alone.
I am just at the 3 month mark since I lost my mum suddenly and I feel like the grief is getting worse. She stayed 4 doors away so would see her most days. I don’t know if it’s the shock first and now realisation that they are gone. I sometimes do the same tell folk what they want to hear. However the last couple of weeks I have had proper melt downs where I just can’t stop crying and feel totally lost. I work from home thank goodness. I don’t know if it’s because mothers day was difficult without her, her birthday is coming up and I am going away for a few days she would come with us to all these things taken for granted and no longer there. I don’t know how long this painful journey is going to last but I have been told twice this week to be kind to myself she would not want to see me like this. It’s all we can do but it’s not easy or the same without them. It will be difficult going home and your mum not there and it’s that adjustment to. Sending hugs xx
Hi @em94 so sorry for your loss.
I too lost my mum suddenly to cardiac arrest in October.
I completely understand what you are going though. Its so hard to accept, especially when there is no opportunity to say goodbye and all the regrets and would should could haves. My mum also lived with me and I know… the house feels so empty and alien without her presence.
Hope you find comfort here, just to vent and have people in your same position offering advice and support means so much.
Reach out whenever you need to.
Kate xx
I am so sorry for your loss, losing a loved one is always hard, but even more so when it is sudden, I can’t imagine the shock and pain of that. I lost my mum 6 years ago to cancer, she had her diagnosis for 10 months, so although it wasnt sudden, it was quite quick and I didn’t have time to prepare myself ( although I don’t know if you ever really could to be honest). It was her birthday on Sunday and I just joined up to this community now as I’m only just realising how much being without her has impacted me and that I need the support of people who understand. So, first of all, well done for reaching out so quickly, hopefully having this community to talk to will help to ease this hard time slightly, I wish I had reached out sooner.
Everyone experiences grief at a different pace, and it will come in waves, so be ready for the roller-coaster. I often go weeks, sometimes months feeling ok, then all of a sudden the grief is completely overwhelming. Feelings of anger, sadness, numbness and loneliness are completely normal through these times and it took me a long time to accept the process of this, so be gentle and patient with youself when things get hard. People love to tell you that time heals all, and I’d love to be able to tell you that it will all get easier, but really, you just learn how to function better through the painful times, and managing your grief does get easier, but the loss will always be there, and that is ok, its good infact, feeling the pain helps you to start to heal. Something that gives me comfort is knowing that grief is just feeling love that has no place to go (I hope that makes sense, it was explained a lot more articulately to me but I can’t think of another way to put it). You got to experience love and life with that amazing person in it, so now they’re gone, the love you feel doesnt have a place to go other than for you to miss them deeply, but the memories and the love you shared is precious and beautiful, and reminding myself to be grateful for the time I did have with my mum has really helped me through the tough moments, better to have loved and lost is a cliché, but it is so true.
I will also say, I still find myself feeling very guilty for being angry at my mum for leaving. I know that it wasnt her fault she got sick and died, and that she didn’t want to leave me, but I still sometime feel that childish expectation that my mummy should be there when I need her, and she isn’t, and that makes me so mad. I spent a long time really hating myself for being angry with her for something out of her control, but I am recently coming around to the fact it is totally normal to feel this way, so as I said previously, whatever you feel, however you handle this, be kind to yourself, and allow yourself the grace to feel whatever you truely feel, without judgement, so that you can process these feelings properly.
My mum was my best friend, as it sounds like yours was too. I miss her constantly, more than words can say, but I am 6 years without her now, I’ve got myself a degree, a great career, I’ve bought a house by myself and I am, objectively, thriving. Life will never be the same without your mum here, but you can still have a wonderful and fulfilling life, one that she would be proud of. Try to keep looking forward as much as possible, try to give yourself things to be exited about, even if you don’t feel like it right now, and don’t isolate or overwork yourself like I did to avoid feeling the pain… It makes things much harder in the long run!
Sorry for the rambling, I’m just hoping that it might help to hear some of the experiences and get some tips from someone who has been where you are. If you want to reach out and talk about anything at all, even if its just chit-chat, private message me, and I will support you in any way I can. It’s nice just to know people who can relate.
So sorry for your loss. I feel like grief is getting worse as well. It’s the realisation that they are gone for me and it’s painful. Having melt downs, not being able to stop crying and feeling lost is completely normal. Mother’s day was a hard one for me I had to work which wasn’t helpful. It sounds like you’ve got some days coming up that could be hard days which is normal, try and remember to be gentle with yourself on those days, let yourself feel whatever emotions you need to feel. I don’t think the journey ever truly ends we just find ways to get through the hard times. If you want to talk don’t hesitate to reach out, I’m here if you want to talk or vent or whatever.