Struggling without dad

Losing a parent
1

Hello,

I am really struggling with the loss of my father. My dad passed away in November only two months after a cancer reoccurance. We were incredibly close and I cared for him during those final months. My mum and I spent Christmas abroad visiting my brother and nephew as I was dreading christmas at home without dad. Christmas without dad was difficult but new year felt worse. I have a constant fear of moving away from my dad and leaving him behind even though people have kindly said this is not the case.

Since dad passed away I have followed people’s advice and kept myself busy whilst also supporting my mum who has been left without her husband of 50 years. I always feel sad but for the past week the pain and sense of loss feels much worse. Everything here reminds me of my dad and I cry a lot. In some ways it feels like I’m back at the begining when I first lost my dad. The pain and heartache is indescribable. I feel like I am completely lost and I am struggling to find any joy in life.

Dad’s final weeks play over in my mind. Getting the news in the doctors surgery, the hope that maybe we would get more time and the crushing realisation that we wouldn’t and then not being able to help. Worrying that dad was struggling in the hospice in the final days but hoping that he was asleep and he didn’t know what was going on. I feel very tormented by these thoughts.

I am speaking with a counsellor but I dont know how else to help myself. My dad was my favourite person and I miss everything about him. I saw and spoke to him everyday and everything now just feels quiet and empty. I went in my parents house yesterday and it was such a strange feeling. It doesn’t feel like a home, no dad there waiting to welcome me in. It feels like I’m mourning a past life and almost like a dream that he even existed. It’s so confusing.

I am really at a loss to see how things will get better and I’m frightened that I’ll always feel this sad.

I’m so sorry to anyone else who is missing a loved one.

I love and miss you dad.

Xx

1 Like
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Hello @Katherine86, I can hear the pain and longing for your dad in your words. It sounds like you had a very special relationship - thank you for sharing this with us.

Your loss is still very recent, and it is completely understandable that you are feeling so lost. Well done on reaching out to a counsellor. I hope that it’s helpful for you to explore some of these feelings. The feelings you describe of your dad’s final weeks playing out are really common when we’re grieving. If they do become too much, however, and you find yourself being very distressed by flashbacks, it might be worth speaking to your GP as well.

You might want to look at our Grief Guide as well. Some of our members have found the journaling and memory box tools have helped them through their grief.

Please do keep reaching out and take care,
Seaneen

2 Likes
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Hi Seaneen,

Thank you for your reply. I hope when the loss isn’t as raw the worry about dad’s final weeks might ease a bit and I am then able to access all of the great memories. I am confident that my dad was sedated and didn’t suffer so I will try to remember this when fear and doubt creep in.

I am very grateful to this community. It does help to share how I feel.

Xx