Hi. I’m having a tough day. I think I just need to get this off my chest.
I’m a 31 year old mum of twin girls. Their dad, S, my first husband whom I had been with since I was 18, died by suicide in December 2019. Our children were 2. We had separated in October 2019 and S hadn’t taken it very well. On his last day, he told me I’d broken him by not coming back to him and that he was going to do it. I was at my mum’s house at the time putting our children to bed. We called the police. I asked him to come to the house. He refused and instead parked at our local village park and asked me to go to him to talk. Fearing for my safety, my mum went instead. Upon seeing my mum rather than me, he sped off and shortly later died on the road near my mum’s house. S’s mum publicly blamed me for S’s suicide and has not spoken to me since and we have no contact due to this. I maintain relationships with S’s sisters and I talk to the girls about their dad to help maintain that family connection. They only know he died in a car accident.
Initially, I distracted myself from grief and trauma with the demands of parenting and work and obviously the stresses and uncertainty of the COVID pandemic also. I have since rebuilt my life with a new house, new career and a new relationship. I have tried really hard to not let my grief and trauma affect my children’s life. They are now 8, turned 8 at the weekend just gone. Most days now are ‘ok’, as in I don’t get visibly upset, but I think about the loss every single day. I have intrusive thoughts about the last day, his words to me, his funeral etc usually on my way to work in the car. Sometimes it builds up or I’m triggered (like today by my children’s birthday cards by his relative) and I have a crying session then I am ok again for a few months. It is definitely less frequent as the years passed but it always stays with me. I’m guessing this is normal.
I find myself still feeling angry and sad with S, although I have long accepted the decision he made and that gives me a small bit of peace. I feel guilt - in that I’ve moved on with my life and have a new partner now. I’m so sad for the years he’s lost with our children who now only know him through what I tell them. I’m still mad at his mum’s treatment of me. I’m so sorry for my children. I’m worried about having the conversation with them in the future and I worry they won’t understand my actions. I’m resentful at having to work full time on top of carrying this trauma all the time. I’m physically and emotionally tired by it. I see myself pre and post death as completely different people.
I’m considering therapy/counselling but I’m worried it will make it worse rather than better - I don’t want to dwell on negativity but I also feel stuck on it. I am also apprehensive as I do not want to go on antidepressants or be diagnosed with related condition etc. I’ve managed for so long without these things that it almost feels like I’d be letting myself down or going backwards when I’ve worked so hard to move on for my children’s sake and my own. As I say I’m not sure what I’m hoping to achieve in sharing this. I just hope one day it does get easier.
