hi everyone, first of all I’d like to say how sorry I am that we are here and hope we can gain/help support one another.
I adopted my daughter aged 8 4 years ago after waiting such a long time. Life was great for 3 months until my lovely dad was diagnosed with st 4 bowel cancer. I looked after him through treatment until he died at home 12 months later in Feb 2018. Mum had been becoming fairly forgetful for a few months before my fathers death. Within a week of him dying she deteriorated to such a degree she didn’t know who I was. She was diagnosed with Alzheimers. For the past 2 years it has been horrific with her behaviour. She needs to be in a home but I cant bring myself to put her in one. I am also working and for the past 3 months I’m constantly crying and unable to cope. I keep having flashbacks to my father dead in bed. He had an awful death as district nurses didn’t feel he was ill enough to warrant a syringe driver despite prescribed by GP. My GP has put me off sick for past 3 weeks but I dont feel any better. Continual flashbacks, anxiety, continual crying, insomnia and over eating. I feel like ive lost both parents at once. Can anyone offer advice please. I feel weak and ashamed to feel so low and sure it is impacting on my beautiful daughter. Thank you so much for any advice and sorry post is so long.
Dear @horsefan1, please do not apologise for the length of your post. This forum only works if we are able to express exactly how we are feeling.
I am so sorry to read what has happened in your life during the past few years. It is tragic to read that your dear dad suffered a painful death. My amazing dad sadly had a horrific death in hospital, and I am still unable to talk about it, and have still not raised a complaint with the PALS team - these events can be extremely traumatising for us.
On top of this, your poor mum’s Alzheimers and you becoming her full time carer must make life very difficult for you. It is amazing what a brilliant job you are doing, and you should be proud of that, but as a single mother with a young daughter, it must be overwhelming. There have been two users here recently who have been discussing looking after their mums (sadly, one of them lost his mum), they are @Tina19 and @alan60, you might want to read the posts titled “alan60” and “Struggling to cope with my Mum’s passing” and talk to them, as I am sure they will be able to understand what you are going through and offer you help.
You say your GP has signed you off as sick, did your GP give you any other advice? Were you referred for bereavement counselling? If you have not had that, is that something you might consider, to try and help you cope with the death of your dad? Did you discuss your flashbacks, anxiety, insomnia, crying and over-eating with your GP? If not, then maybe that is something you should, so that s/he can discuss what options you have available for treatment. It doesn’t have to be medication, it could be a referral to mental health services for an assessment.
And please, please do not feel ashamed and so low. You should be incredibly proud of how much you love your mum, how much you are doing for her, and how lucky your daughter is that she was adopted by such a caring mother. Please be kind to yourself and look after yourself and keep posting here if you think that would help.
All the best.
Hi there
Firstly please stop feeling weak and ashamed of yourself. You have had more than enough to cope with.
Abdullah has replied excellently and there is not much more I can add. Except to say that I know the sheer horror of watching someone you love die a terrible and painful death. On it’s own it is traumatic but to have to cope with your Mum at the same time would make anyone suffer with all the things you are having to cope with at the moment. Of course you don’t feel any better, your problems are still there.
You don’t mention if you have support from family members and if not, as a working mother you need support and quick. You need advice on what is the best for your Mum, forgetting how you might feel. Some respite at least. I’m afraid I have never been in your situation but I am sure there must be members on this forum who have suffered similar problems who might be able to advise.
I agree go back to your GP or even approach your Mum’s GP and make it clear you are at the end of your tether with worry and exhaustion. And I repeat do NOT feel ashamed you have nothing to reproach yourself about and have done and still doing your very best. but equally you have a young daughter to also think about.
You have come to the right place to be able to ‘talk’ about how you feel. We all understand what grief can do to you.
xx