I’m really struggling to make sense and come to terms with losing my Dad this Feb, he was diagnosed and died very quickly from Christmas eve to Feb. Because of covid restrictions 1st in hospital then I care homes I was only able to see him very briefly at beginning of Jan, then he died when I was on my way to see him when they said I was allowed as his end was near. I live with my husband and two grown up boys, plus my dog and her sister - who was my Dads dog but I feel so alone and lost without him. I am struggling because I’m so scared that my Dad was all alone and I couldn’t see him in his final months, I am upset as I don’t want him to have felt unloved or that I didn’t want to see him, I don’t know how much he was aware of covid in the news. I wasn’t able to talk much to him on the phone as much of the time he was sleeping, or feeling grumpy or poorly. I tried so hard to be there for him but ultimately I couldn’t either on the phone or in person. I lost my Mum 11 years ago and still miss her terribly. I sometimes feel I really don’t want to be here anymore , I wouldn’t do anything , but sometimes I just don’t want to wake up. I am having counselling from Cruse. It’s crazy that at 49 I feel like an orphan and lost. I have a brother who doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, and he also stopped communicating with my Dad before he got ill, he doesn’t want anything to do with me or to know anything about our Dad. Sorry I’ve rambled on.

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Hi Sallycelt, I’m so sorry about the death of your Dad, it’s awful at the best of times, but now because of COVID , things have been made much worse for everybody, I’m sure your Dad would have realised what was going on, am I’m sure he would have known how much you loved him, and would have been with him,if you had been allowed, he wouldn’t have been alone at the end, the nurses or careers would have been with him, I can understand how you feel, when you say you feel like an orphan, even though you have family around you, grief is very isolating and it’s something we have to go through in our own way and alone, I have to say my dogs where what got me through when my parents died, they don’t judge and are always there for you, things will get better, but it takes time, you will never forget but you will learn to live with it, sending love Jude xx

Thank you Jude28 for your message. I hope so, I really do. Yes there was a home carer there I’m told, I just wish it had been someone who loved him (me) or that he had known I was on my way to him (they didn’t tell him) . Its mad how the thoughts go round and round my head and all the things I wish were different but out of my control - logically I know this, but in its practical form I can’t grasp it. Thank you for your kind words.

Hi Sallycelt
I wondered how you are
I lost my Mom 14 months ago she Died at home 5 months after being diagnosed we had nurses coming each day and for the last month she was asleep all the time this is how your dad would have been and he would have definitely known you loved him
the carers would have done all the right things for you

Hi Tess11,
Thank you for your message. I’m plodding on thanks, some days are brighter, some not. I’m sorry about your Mum, thats so sad. Its still early days for you too- How are you feeling about it now? My Mum died at home too, 11 years ago, it was very different to this time losing my Dad as I was lucky enough to go home and be with her in her last 2 weeks so we were able to talk a little and I could just sit by her. Thank you.for your kind words about him knowing.

im suffering bouts of panic and anxiety which started when she was first ill and it hasnt gone away did you have that when you lost your mom

Bless you, yes I did. I still get them now really, 11 years on- just a lot less. I massively get them about my Dad though, very extreme at times, I feel like my heads going to explode with it. I get anxiety anyway, but it seems to have made it so much worse. It feels like all of a sudden I don’t know who I am anymore if that makes sense. And everyday life throws me, it doesn’t take much to make me feel anxious and overwhelmed. Do you feel like that too?

I am trying so hard to carry on but some days are very difficult. I suffer with anxiety which has been heightened by dads passing in February. Mum is depressed and struggling. I feel guilty for not being able to comfort her like I should but seeing her down overwhelms me so much and my anxiety multiplies. I do not think I have fully grieved and being quite a private person I do not want to grieve with mum. It will be four months tomor and the feelings seem so strong. I do not know what to do for me or for me.

yes im the same
when i look in the mirror i see a different person
i guess when you have such wonderful parents you suffer more
but i feel really lucky to have had such a bond with them as others have never had that
its good to know that it will eventually get less
thanks for your advice

I found it really hard to talk to my Dad about my Moms passing and still dont mention it
I wanted to cry it out with him but then lockdown stopped that and i couldnt go in their house for ages
and now its become a subject we dont discuss
bottling it up has caused so much stress i still struggle
but talking on here has made me feel it will get better and its really early days for you
breathing excersises helped me but you have to keep doing them also making sure you eat and sleep as best you can

Hi Bear1,
Sad to hear you are having a sad time of it too- so, we lost our Dads around the same time. I know how you are feeling, not the Mum/support thing exactly…but the feelings about losing your Dad and anxiety. Some days I try to keep busy and that helps me, I still think about him on those days- but my mind isn’t allowed to dwell on it, other days I’m too sad to do anything. Have you spoken to any helplines or anything? I rang the Cruse bereavement helpline, they were very good and listened, I then refered myself to have counselling with them, it might help you? The best thing I’ve found is that I’ve started writing a journal, I address each entry to my Dad as if I am talking to him. I doubted whether thus woukd actually help me actually, as I talk to his photo all the time and still felt wretched. However, although its only been a week of doing it, it does somehow help clear the thoughts in my head- they were just constantly running around before. I don’t write it every day, but when I feel out of my mind I do. I think it also helps with anxiety issues, I write down stuff like that too.

Exactly! You don’t feel like the same person anymore do you? It’s like you’ve changed forever, and lost such a huge part of you. I feel that covid has made it all so much harder, with all its restrictions. I struggle massively regarding this as I said in my 1st post…I said to my counseller about not being able to make peace with not being allowed to see him/spend any time with him, and she said, its something you probably won’t ever make peace with, as its not something that will ever be fair. It hadn’t dawned on me till then that I didn’t need to find it, that it will always feel the same, just that I will grow around it, and live with it. Hope that makes sense written down

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Thank you all for your listening ear. I am receiving counselling for both bereavement and anxiety. It is helping but some days just feel to much . Especially the days where mum is struggling. My friends don’t understand that I need to keep certain feelings away from mum. I am a private person who struggles to talk to family. Always have.
The journal could be a good idea to try. I am already trying the breathing exercises . Thank you all. Just sharing with people that understand is a real help

I don’t think people understand any of it, unless they are going through or have been through it. Its hard to open up. I find I often feel too low and upset to WANT to write it, but in time I might find it easier to make myself, esp if it keeps helping my head feel little better. Glad you are having counciling for both, I hope it helps you. Even if it’s just a little. I know its hard , but I’m trying to just take each hour at a time. Take care.

Thanks for your replies it really helps
we need time to heal and like you say we adjust our lives around it
take care both

We will get there. Thanks, you too .