I Lost Mum in Jan 2018 to terminal cancer that slowly took her over 18m. Mum was my best freind, I called her multiple times a day, she was an amazing Nanna to my 4 kids who treated her like a second mum with my youngest being with her daily from 6m till starting school only 2 weeks prior to diagnosis. Her illness and death was a massive blow to the whole family as you can imagine. My Dad, ex Paratrooper, was not an emotional man, loving towards us all but clearly had issues with his own mental health due to the things he had seen which made him at times irritable and angry. That being said we all adored him and accepted him for who he was. Mum found it hard to go to the hospital with him so I took over all appointments with her, I was there when they told us she had only weeks left and wouldn’t make it to Xmas, I had to repeat this to my Dad and sister. She called me her rock and I took this to heart. When she died it was sudden, she sent us home to rest saying she was tired and needed to sleep. She died alone in hospital and for that I will never forgive myself !
Dad struggled afterwards, he became very emotional as did my sister so I didn’t, I remained stoic, sorting everything out, looking after dad, being strong for everyone…the rock. I tried not to feel it, I would push the feelings down working 60 hr weeks and looking after everyone. A yr later I hurt my back and found myself unable to move, suddenly the emotions spilled out of me and the grieving finally began. In feb 2020 I felt like I was beginning to come to terms with things, the another bomb shell, Dad suddenly turned yellow and had breathing issues ( he had COPD) after a flurry of tests we awaited the results. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe and was whisked into hospital, 3 days later we were told he had aggressive secondary liver cancer, primary in the lungs and there was nothing could be done. He died in a hospice 3 weeks after diagnosis, the day before lockdown,on Mother’s day.
Shock, numbness and this crazy lockdown works set in. Funeral with only 9 of us all sat 2m apart then straight home, their families who all lived hundreds of miles away couldn’t attend so no family support. We had to sort out their 3 bed council house ASAP as the council said we had to pay for every week we still had the keys however there was no tip open, charity shops etc then months of isolation from the world.
It’s been 4.5 yrs since mum and 2.5 since Dad and I’m still having more bad days than good. Is this wrong ? I’m on highest dose of anti d’s and feel like a zombie but when I reduced them I was so depressed I couldn’t function. Am I wrong ? Should I be better ?
Bless you , you’ve had so much to contend with all made worse because of covid and not be able to get support. Watching a loved one slip away is one of the worse things ever you feel so helpless and just want to put everything right. Your parents where very lucky to have your love and care you should be proud of yourself you couldn’t have done anymore.
Dear @Mummy24 I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear mum and dad. I just want to send you some support and echo @Misprint ‘s post, that you have had so much to deal with, all made so much more difficult to deal with because of the covid restrictions. Please don’t underestimate the effects of that, it’s been such a cruel, difficult time.
I lost my mum in 2020 and could not be with her because of first lockdown then, as you say, Isolation, everything that could help with mental health stopped, no support bubble…. I am also now on antidepressants, dose increased few months ago, still feeling no better. Please don’t beat yourself up for not feeling better - I think maybe it’s just all coming out, and has to, somehow.
Its clear that you gave your mum and dad so much support, and loved them very much. I know from my mums death, it’s really hard to not feel guilty about not being there, but I think we have to remember why we weren’t. Your mum wanted you to go so that you could rest and she could sleep. Mine raised me to not break the law or rules made to keep others safe. So we were not there with our mums, but we were honouring and respecting their wishes, and that would have made them happy I think. I know it still hurts badly though.
I’ve been told that people close to death often wait until they are alone, because it’s easier then for them to let go. I don’t know…but I hope we may both find peace in that thought some day. And Ive heard of many people whose loved ones did slip away, just when they left the room for a few moments or for an evenings rest. My dad who died 7 years before mum slipped away 10 minutes before we arrived at the hospital to visit him in the ICU.
You mention that you carried on with work and looking after others, pushing feelings down. I tried to keep my feeling under control too and had no outlet for them. I wonder if that’s why we have bad days now even after all this time?
I actually think you must be doing pretty amazingly after all you’ve had to deal with and looking after a family and work commitments too. So please don’t be hard on yourself, and please also just take whatever help is needed to get you through. Time will help, so I keep being told. Please take comfort from knowing that you gave your parents so much love and support, you were definitely their rock, and that will have been enormous comfort to them.
I wonder if there is any counselling you could access? This forum too. I’ve only recently found it, and have been comforted by kind and supportive people who understand. Please keep talking if it helps, I hope it may.
Sending you love and hugs from one who understands a little of what you’ve gone through xx
Thanks for the replies, I just feel so exhausted and overwhelmed x