I really dont know what to do, i cannot cope dealing with this grief. This was the second Christmas without my mum she lived for Christmas but i couldn’t cope having anything around that even resembled it apart from the decorations at her grave.
My nan died on christmas eve this year… There has been so much loss this year and i cannot take anymore within a year and a half i have lost my mum, my friend, my uncle, my nan and a close friends baby. I need to be away from all of this pain, all these people had in common was me, i am the bad luck. If i was not here then they would possibly be here
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Oh @Rhianx , my heart aches for you and the horrible situation you are in. Death is the only thing guaranteed to us all in life, and you being on this earth had absolutely no baring on the deaths of those around you. Life flows in it’s own way, and so does our guaranteed death, I believe our time is written in the stars. When my dad was very ill, I’ll always remember the doctor saying he was “unlucky” for getting as sick as he did with his cancer so quickly. It was the complications of his treatment that took him from us quicker than any of us expected or imagined. I am a lost, broken soul, wishing only to see him again, but I am getting by by knowning that although he was unlucky with his treatment, his time on this earth was lucky, he enjoyed it and we have to remember those good memories, and the positive impact we had on those around us while here.
The guilt you are feeling and the blame are completely normal. I have felt massive amounts of regret and guilt over the last 6 weeks since Dad was taken from us, but I’m realising this week that it serves me no purpose at all. We are left to suffer and they are at peace, and every single one of those loved ones you’ve lost would absolutely want you to feel peace in your life. Much easier said than done, and although I’m telling you all of this, I still have horrendous days/hours through every single day where I don’t want to be here anymore feeling this agony, without them. If you haven’t gotten grief counciling yet please do talk to your doctor asap. I’m ringing mine on Monday and I hope it will help. Please just message me anytime if you want to chat and let it all out, im here xx
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I just feel so empty im not prepared to live longer without my mum actually with her and it’s so rubbish because all I want is to be able to give her a hug and tell me everything is okay it’s not. All counsellors say is what would your mum say if she was here, but then she wouldn’t have to say anything because i wouldn’t be in this situation.
J told my dad how much i am struggling and he doesn’t care, i just cannot do this anymore xxx
@Rhianx I felt the same when people told me “what would Dad say right now” but then I went away one day in my absolute darkest moment when I didn’t want to be here anymore, considered it. At that point I asked myself “what would dad say right now” and that exact moment in my dark parked car at the back of a shopping centre car park, my dash cam came flying off the window and smacked me in the head and a random bird just started going nuts in the bush infront of me, chirping away in the dark. I couldn’t see it, but the whole thing just suddenly snapped me out of my darkest place. At that moment I though “well that’s what dad would say”…they seem to be able to tell us stuff without even being here or saying a thing. Coincidence or not, our parents would always, always, without exception, want us to snap out of the dark and live again. I never met your mum or know a single thing about either of you, but just the love you have for her alone has told me all I need to know about how much she adored you and the relationship you had, and thats exactly why if she could be a bird and yell at you through a hedge to get out of that dark place she would.
Not feeling the way you do is literally the hardest thing anyone could EVER ask you to do, but in your heart your mum would be asking you right? She would be asking you to live your life and find happiness in your memories with her. I know I’d want my daughter to fight for her life.
Here for you xxx