I lost my husband 5 weeks ago, even though he was extremely poorly and had been for 4 years, (I was his carer) he’d had a doctor’s video appointment that day and was ok, I left to go to work for a short shift and when I got home I found him slumped in his chair. I started CPR while I was on the phone to 999 and I heard his ribs break, then I remembered he had a DNAR and the ambulance service told me I had to stop. I feel completely broken and lost without him, he was everything to me, I feel that people expect me to be back to normal especially at work, but I’m really finding it very difficult. He was very anxious and never wanted me to leave him to go to work even though it was only a part time job and I left him to go to work, I can’t stop imagining what actually happened - was he scared, did he call out for me, was it quick. I feel so incredibly guilty that I wasn’t with him and he was alone. I actually feel physical heartache - is that normal? How do i carry on when I feel I have no purpose anymore
Oh @Titch11 i feel your pain and despair and I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. 5 weeks is no time at all and you will have so much to process and work through its no wonder you feel so lost. Try not to feel guilty for not being there - we have no control over these things and it really is just adding to your pain when there is no need.
I also feel physical pain from the emotional distress and I think that’s common and normal.
At the moment everything will feel pointless, and might do for a while, but I hope in time we will all manage to find some meaning for the future. However scary that might look at the moment.
Look after yourself and I hope you get some rest tonight.
Sending strength and hugs xxx
Mine is 10 weeks today and i can only say it’s awful this grief , it consumes you and you find yourself with no purpose to life anymore. I feel for you and it helps talking on here as everyone is going through this emotional rollercoaster of grief. Big hugs xx
So sorry Titch but completely understand. 9 weeks for me today since my beloved partner passed away suddenly. I was told he wouldn’t have suffered any pain and probably didn’t even know about it. It doesn’t stop you going over and over ‘what if’ though.
It’s very early days. Please keep posting on this site. It’s been a lifeline for me and I’m not great today. Everyone understands and doesn’t judge. Try to take an hour at a time.
Sending strength and love x
I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain.
Sending love and big hugs 
