Hello,
First time posting. I’m not really sure what to expect, but I’m not sure where to go from here or how to do this. Everyone tells you it doesn’t get any easier and that you just learn to live with it, and it’s always there. My beautiful mum was admitted to the hospital while on holiday, got discharged, readmitted, got discharged, and readmitted as an emergency due to feaces coming up through mouth. Emergency operation, repaired a hernia recovered really well despite health ailments, moved from icu to regular ward. Tube inserted through nose to relieve discomfort until bowel started working. Doing well for a week or so, going out for coffee to staff canteen etc. Then, the tube fell out during sleep. Had to reinsert, which was a struggle, and did not work properly. Pain started again. Scan done, found a blockage in bowel. Did not keep an eye on fluid or blood levels of diabetes during this time and became severely dehyrated to the point that kidneys started failing. No notice of blood sugar levels (woke up to a 2, meant to be between 5 and 7). Rang menin tears as felt so awful, rang ward to inform how bad feeling, dismissed saying she is fine, argued she was not due to phone call in tears. (I was a 2 hour drive away, so rang Dad to go) Next, saying second operation to remove blockage. Recovery not great, lost end of nasal tube, stated could have entered lung due to now mass of stuff on lungs. Multiple antibiotics all at once, nebulisers, oxygen high dosage. Mum convinced doctors kill her over the next few days. Dnr issued through night, no family consultation. One doctor said treatable the next day told organs shutting down, which started with kidney (PROBABLY BEFORE THE SECOND OP DUE TO NEGLECT!) And struggling so to turn support and oxygen machines off as not fair. Within 10 minutes she was gone.
The day she passed she was shouted at by a nurse.
Mum told me a few days earlier not to worry she will still be around. Talked about seeing my 2 brothers. On the day she died she huffed and said oh well that man told me i was going to die today not tomorrow, when i asked what man she just shook her head.
My Dad didnt want to deal with the funeral so i had to make all the decisions. I dressed mum at the funeral home with my auntie and visited 4 times. On the fourth time i feel was too long due to the smell and noticeable changes. I can sometimes smell that smell randomly and its been a few month.
My brother died in 2016 due to a brain tunour. Their first son died only a few days old. Its just me and my dad now im 34 and hes 71.
My mum died at 67, she was my best friend. I struggle with the idea if i last until her age it would be like my whole life again. Im not sure i can make it that long.
I have a 16 year old son so i know i can not check out. I have to be here for him but some days i feel so overwhelmed woth her not being here.
I feel lonely.
I reached out for help one to a local charity back end of august however have not heard anything.
I started a counselling thing through work but it was only 4 sessions and more about things to help improve mood. Things like sleep hygiene mindfulness etc which i know can help butni just want to talk and have help with dealing with the loss of my mum.
Most days im just so so sad. Some days are bad in that i just cry everyday. A few rare days i feel angry at a lot of things.
I get up everyday, i work try and do housework it just feels like im carrying a weight, some piece of me is missing or somethings just weighing me down.
I just want her to come back. I keep asking not really sure who im talking to and knowing it wont happen but im not really sure what to do anymore.
Please help me just feel some relief from this just a little, any tips or advice.