Stuck in grief.

I’m told I’m stuck in complicated grief. My mum died of CKD during the first lockdown in June 2020, and I could not be with her because of the lockdown. I feel now that I let her down. I had taken early retirement in 2018 to visit and support her more and that had worked very well until the pandemic hit. There were a lot of medical appointments but we had good quality time too. But I had pre-pandemic promised mum that I would come and look after her if she grew poorlier. Because of the lockdown I failed to keep my promise to mum. Now my grief never eases, and I am now also suffering from severe anxiety and depression, haunted by the lockdown and isolating circumstances, and missing mum so much and regretting my decision to obey lockdown rules.
Although mum and I lived nearly 300 miles apart, I think I structured my life around my regular visits and frequent phone conversations after dad died. I am single, live alone have no family except my sister who has now become very distant with me saying she cannot cope with me not moving on. I have also lost 3 good friends during the pandemic, when they realised I was so depressed, they ceased contact.
I know many other people must have lost their loved ones in similar circumstances during lockdowns, and just wondered if anyone here had found anything to comfort and fortify you?
I feel at such a loss as it is over 2 years ago.

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Stardust, I am sorry about your mum.
I can feel your pain reading your words and can relate to an extent as 3.5 years on I still suffer horribly with guilt around my parent’s death and anxiety and depression which I take medication for. My situation is different but what sounds like your struggle with guilt, horrendous feeling that it is, and isolation with your feelings I do identify with. I have improved in the 3.5 years. Time helps but I don’t believe it ‘heals all wounds’ not at all. I’ve had to work at it. Talking to a Cruse Bereavement Counsellior in the first months, mostly because I literally hAd no one else to safely express my grief to. It helped. But I’ve needed to read as much as I can about grief to understand my feelings, and I learned about complicated grief which I feel applies to me. This helped. This website has helped even if I didn’t post anything I still looked everyday once I found out and it so helped when I read someone else saying exactly what I’m feeling- like you have. I’ve tried to forgive myself knowing regret and guilt are a common reaction in grief, and that they’re are always going to be times when someone dies when the circumstances aren’t ‘complete’ and ‘tidy’ leaving the inevitable guilt and regret. It’s the fact of not being able to make it right, do it over again that feeds the regret and guilt I think.
We go through life mostly able to re-do and repair and make amends but with death we cannot and it’s hard, really hArd.
I’m thinking you did the best you could do but please don’t suffer alone. Get professional help if you can with your complicated grief if you aren’t already.
Take care

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Hi @Stardust, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your feelings with us, and to echo @Bluebell1’s wise and kind words. If you do feel like some extra support could help you right now, our Online Bereavement Support includes our free online bereavement counselling, our Grief Guide which has interactive tools to help you cope with grief, and Grief Coach, where you can receive personalised support via text.

Take good care and keep talking to us, we’re here for you.

Thank you @Bluebell1 for responding and your kind advice. It helps to know you understand what I mean especially about guilt and isolation.
Ive been reading up about grief too and, like you, trying to forgive myself, the circumstances, the people I thought I could talk to and have lost, and especially myself for driving them away.
I’ve been receiving some support from Mind and just found a counsellor and had a first session last week.
Since asking my GP for help a year ago, when depression snd anxiety kicked in, I’ve had a very bad year of medication changes, leading to insomnia and suicidal thoughts, and this led to me making some really bad life choices which have made things worse. I’m now back on my original antidepressant at a higher dose, and I think it helps me sleep but does nothing for the depression and anxiety, and I’m not sure anything could now. I know I have to work through things, and I’m grateful to be able to sleep again and scared to rock the boat now.
Thank you for your kindness and wisdom, it gives me hope to know that you have had felt similarly and feel you are coping a little better now. I do hope you continue to feel better as time goes by. You’re right, we can only do the best we can and sometimes there is just no neat ending to things, and we have to accept that and know we did our best and what was right at the time.
Thank you again, wishing you well, and hoping we can both continue to find a way forwards.
Take care,

Thank you @Seaneen I appreciate your kindness and being able to join the online community.
Thanks,