I’m really stuck on a thought. I know it cant be answered, undone or changed but the more I’m trying not to think on it, the more I am…
Both my parents died in hospitals, 2 different ones (Dad in a small local hospital,
mum in a big regional hospital)
Dad had been unwell for a while and had already given us a couple of scares. I had a call at 1.20pm to say he looked like he was approaching the end and that they would move him to a side room and he would be kept comfortable. I had a call at 1.40pm to say he had gone. When we arrived after, the lovely nurse that was with him told us that he hadn’t been alone and that he had died very quietly and peacefully, literally just slipped away. It brought us a huge amount of comfort. He didn’t have any final words or anything… he just peacefully passed.
My mums death was anything but peaceful… the hospital didn’t contact me until she was really unwell. Her death was very unexpected, she was transfered from one hospital to another, we had no idea which ward she was on or anything, I had been trying to locate her from 8am, I finally found her at 10am and was told the nurse looking after her would call me, at 10.40am i had a call from the same person i had spoken to at 10am, apologising profusely, asking me to come in urgently and that my mum had been asking for me. The hospital is a fair distance from home, I arrived at 11.15am. At that point she was heavily medicated, writhing in pain and gasping for oxygen (despite being on a mask)
She died just over half an hour later, never having regained consciousness. (The medical examiner would later tell me that she wasn’t in ‘much’ pain when she died) The hospital offered us no comfort at all, telling us that she had taken a turn for the worse at around 8am, yet had failed to contact me until 10.40am. We were finally taken into an office at 11.45am (half an hour after i got there) and told that there was nothing they could do for her. The nurses withdrew her oxygen when we were in the other room with the doctor. If it hadn’t been for my husband noticing her deterioration in breathing and yelling for us, we wouldn’t even have been with her.
My stuck thought is that she was asking for me and I wasn’t there. To die in hospital, alone was her biggest fear (she thought that whats happens to all old people) I’m overwrought with the fear that she thought I didn’t come and didn’t care enough to be there. She would of had no idea they didn’t call me and had no idea we were there at the end, she showed no recognition of us holding her hand as she passed. If they had called me when she became acutely unwell I could have been there.
Her death has left the most mammoth hole in my life, everyone keeps telling me how amazingly well I’m doing… they just have no idea.
Hi, how painful it is, this agony of grief. I believe it’s only natural to overthink every last detail of your loved one’s experience. It’s like a torture because you know you can’t change anything now. I think it’s very hard for you because you’re aware of the hospital’s lack of communication. You’re also aware of your Mum’s feelings. Sadly most people don’t get a ‘good’ ending, in a warm cosy bed at home, surrounded by loved ones. But it’s torturous for those left behind to feel guilty and sad. My Mum collapsed and died on her driveway. She was there all night and wasn’t discovered until the next morning by her neighbour… I, too have tortured myself about her cold, lonely ending. Sending love xx
@Annie46 i know exactly how you feel regarding a lack of communication between the hospital & loved ones. The same thing happened to us last month with my Dad. I walked in on my Dad dying (he was gasping for breath which I know now is agonal breathing) & still no one told me what was going on. I sat on a chair as they called his name (he was unconscious) I’m also, like you feeling guilty that I wasn’t there & nobody had the decency to make sure one of us was there. Anyway, I’ve now directed that internal guilt onto the hospital. Some things are out of our control. Don’t blame yourself, you did all you could to get there. It’s their fault, not yours. You can’t change it. You were a good daughter & it shows. Best wishes x
I believed what the out if hours nurses told me about my Mams situation… " just what it looks like after a good dose of morphine " they said…i will never forgive myself for not listening to my gut in her final hours. For not calling them back quicker. For not being more brave myself and not being too afraid to touch her for fear of bringing her round went i hooed maybe she was unconscious to some degree, and into the horror that was unfolding, even though looking back perhaps she was aware and conscious and just unable to move because of the drugs they gave her. For being unable to look at her as I was terrified by what i was seeing. Ive been stuck on these thoughts and feelings for months now.
@Birds thankyou for your words. It’s all consuming isn’t it. The what ifs, the horrible memories of someone’s last moments playing on a loop in your head. The thing is, part of me doesn’t want to forget it because they were dad’s last moments. I’m sure you’ve felt the same. You trust the trained staff with your loved one when your instincts tell you different. We have to tell ourselves that we aren’t to blame for how things unfolded. I’m hoping in some small way my dad knew I was there. I hope your mum did too. Best wishes X
I had a chat with my sister after i posted this, she firmly believes mum knew who was there for her.
However as others have said on this thread, its the end that we, the survivors, have as a lasting memory.
I wish I’d held her hand and bid her a loving farewell instead of being so panic stricken.
I think coming so soon after dad dying i just couldn’t and wouldn’t comprehend what was happening.
Sending love and strength to you all x
My story is so similar to yours. My dad passed in hospital, very peacefully. He had only been poorly for a couple of days but the way it happened, I can’t explain it, but it was the right time for him. I can sort of accept it because I knew he had to go. Mum on the other hand was awful. Its a really long story, but I took her home to die because she hated hospital. They promised I would have support, but I had none. She was in a lot of pain, sleeping but restless and not sleeping, if that makes sense. I sat quietly with her for nearly two weeks. I didn’t talk because I didn’t want to keep bugging her. When her time came I was holding her hand, and she opened one eye, just one, and looked right at me. She looked terrified . She was a really strong willed independent lady with a better memory than mine. She was a nurse for almost 50 years and she was a damned good one. She had been a matron, a theatre sister, an orthopaedic nurse, she was brilliant. I hadn’t told her she was dying and she didn’t say anything, but she must have known. Anyway to see the terror on her face, is something I’ve NEVER seen. Nothing scared her. I can not get that final look out of my head. I’m full of regret. I should have told her she was dying, I should have talked, even if she seemed like she was asleep, I should have gotten her to hospital sooner, everything is wrong about how she died and I can’t get past it. Why did she look so afraid. It was only a couple of seconds but I’m having nightmares. I feel like I let her down.
@Lucicarli my mum never wanted to go in a hospital (she hated them) so i understand that, you were incredible to bring her home and nurse her. For that you should be very proud of yourself. Nursing a sick relative is incredibly difficult.
Maybe the terror wasn’t of death, but of leaving you.
Sending you much love and peace x
These stories are heartbreaking. Even though I did such a lot for my Mum leading up to and when she passed, there are things I wish Id done or said differently. So many people torturing themselves, if only I’d…
Ive had some counselling since and she told me that Id gone into a ‘freeze’ response. It happens automatically, when were terrified and cant control it appearing. Its my understanding that we can learn to recognise the signs of that and try to control it(in the future).
But what we did and the decisions we made were when we were in an alerted and altered state of consciousness.
Look what clarity we managed to hold onto and do helpful things, in that terrified state.
Im not ‘there’ yet, but Im hoping to understand and integrate it more, in time.
Mazza x
I can relate to the above stories / replies and in ways they are reasuring to know how you responded and reacted, and are still responding and reacting to the situation. And that the way i dealt and am stilling dealing with it, are perhaps more normal than i would ever have imagined . Thank you all for sharing x
It is comforting knowing that others are in a very similar ‘mental/emotional’ space. @Annie46, if it helps, Im as sure as I can be that my Mum knew I was there, at the end. She’d been described as unrespinsive for 3 days but a few hours before she passed, she made a grunting noise, when I mentioned someone she didnt like! I kissed her on the forehead and said Sorry and she moved her mouth, as she’d done previously when tryibg to say Thank you.
I wouldnt have known she could hear anything at all, without theses things. I knew she was slipping away more after, but Im pretty sure, she was aware I was still there, possibly in a more feint way.
Your mum called out for you, so youre the one she wanted at that time. Im sure she will have sensed you were there and that will have been of some comfort to her.
Oh its so hard, as we put "superhuman expectations " on ourselves!
Mazza x
I, too have tortured myself about her cold, lonely ending. Sending love xx