Hi there everyone
I am the grieving mother of a 30 year old man (who I call a boy) who died suddenly and unexpectedly in September 2024. I have read several posts on this site that have been written which have helped me not to feel quite so desperate and alone so thankyou, but nothing can take away from the horror and shock that I am going through and which I’m sure that many of you are going through after the tragic death of your beloved adult child.
The situation with my beloved son is that he was found dead at his university hall of residence 11 days after I dropped him off there. He had struggled with his mental health and addiction to cocaine/valium for 14 years.
But, he had turned his life around completely, been to rehab, been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and was on medication that controlled his condition.
He was doing brilliantly well, so positive, a new person, exercising, eating well, writing music, going on trips alone, having girlfriends, playing sports, enjoying long walks and bird watching and so on. He was more than ready to start his new life as a student of computer science course which he studied hard to get a place on, so the world was his oyster as it were and I had no reason to be worried about him as I had been so often in the past. He was assessed as being a vulnerable student who would require ongoing support which we were assured would be provided.
Therefore when I hadn’t received any communication from him after 11 days I raised the alarm about his welfare and a check was made. He was found unresponsive in a chair in his room and the post-mortem was inconclusive. An inquest was opened in January by the coroner but we my never find out the actual cause of his death, so we have the situation where we don’t know when or how he died which is utterly horrific and I think about little else. Our lives have changed completely forever and we muddle through the days, some days much harder than others, some days almost unbearable.
The depth of distress and bewilderment that I feel is indescribable and I struggle to get through most hours of most days, standing in his bedroom, smelling his presence, and hoping that it was all a big mistake and that he is fine and well.
I look forward to bedtime and I am glad when I can take a sleeping pill and go to sleep as that is the only respite from the agony. Sometimes I stay in bed all day.
How do you all cope with the constant overwhelming feelings of desperation and disbelief ? No-one who has not been through it can really understand.
Sending love and hope to you all at this sad time. X
It really broke my heart reading your post. I’m so sorry for the depth of the pain you are going through.
I lost my wife of 46 years three weeks ago and the pain is dreadful but she had ms for 25 years so it was expected. I hope that some of the posts here can help you in some way.
Hi
My adult son was found on 8th November. Like your boy, Ben’s post mortem was inconclusive, we await further tests on samples.
Paramedics said he’d passed away 24/ 48 hours before but we will never know.
As you say the shock, bewilderment and sheer unbelievability are just awful.
We had to empty his house in 4 weeks because it was a housing association. All of his belongings were quickly shoved in boxes and bags. He has an 8 yr old son so there was a lot of his stuff too. He used to stay with his dad at weekends. I’ve been able to sort his things but as for Ben’s , well I do about half an hour with tears streaming
down my face and that’s enough.
Some days I’m ok and muddle through, others I don’t want to get out of bed, so I make myself get up.
The past week I’ve been trying to go for a daily walk, it hasn’t happened every day, and I don’t feel any different after but I guess the exercise is good if nothing else.
I don’t look forward to bed time as I’m not a good sleeper anyway and this hasn’t helped. I’ve had 1 dream with Ben in it and I woke sobbing in the morning when I remembered it.
I don’t think there is any answers to get through our pain, we just have to do what feels right at any given moment.
I don’t care if I’m rude about anything really, or if I don’t turn up to something, I alternate between being angry and desperately sad. I’m sad for my grandson not having his dad , I’m angry that Ben no longer has a life.
I’m also angry with medical staff as Ben had recurring symptoms ever since March 22 when he’d had Covid. Nothing was ever diagnosed and he had scans, X-rays, an endoscopy etc. he was on sleeping tablets, antidepressants, liquid morphine for pain control, anti sickness tablets and laxido as he would get bouts of sickness, then he would dehydrate and end up on a drip.
I know nothing can change what has happened but it’s so bloody unfair !
I just hope that one day we get some answers.
Sending hugs and a hope that the pain gets easier for us all.