Hi. I’m Nicola.
My husband died suddenly at the beginning of October.
In our 40s and with two teenage kids.
I’m grieving, sad, fed-up with myself and how all consuming this is and how I can’t escape it. Also confused by hurt and pain of dealing with the “sadmin” (retitled from my frequent use of “death admin”) and all that this triggers and reveals, which gets in the way of mourning and memories.
Has anyone gone through similar and how did you find/control some sanity and coping mechanisms?
2 Likes
I’m 44, 8 months in sudden death abroad 
3 kids still at home (22,19 and11)
Still dealing with sadmin, still open investigation in Belgium, still waiting on local coroner to give us a cause.
But everyday I have to get up and function for the lads what choice do we have. But I’ve found that I’ve not dealt with any part of the situation, I keep pushing it down trying to keep it all together for the kids, I started counselling 2 weeks ago and I already can see it’s going to be a massive help for me.
All I can suggest that I find helps is talking, don’t think about the future, I can’t think too much about what’s happened (far to much trauma, incidents, 3 causes of death all wrong, lost passport, lost belongings, he was held by customs and the list goes on)
Take it at your pace.
And give yourself credit for the little things, in my eyes it’s a massive achievement just getting out of bed on a morning in this situation x
3 Likes
Thank you for replying. I am so sorry for your loss and situation. Yes, getting out of bed is a win and necessary for life to go on and as you say function for the kids. Have just signed up for the counselling, so am looking forward to speaking with someone not connected. x
1 Like
Hello @Oatcake - thank you for posting and sharing - it is all hard and new, in grief, I know. I can share some experiences I had with the sadmin. Firstly - it is a marathon, not a sprint. This ghastly stuff takes time and we rely so much on other people doing their bits, to get the forms all done and the records completed. It is horrible, it is triggering - it is all that stuff.
What I did to get through was to set a task for each day - maybe two - depending on how I was feeling.
One main thing was to get up out of bed, into the shower then clean clothes no matter what the temptation to wear yesterday’s gear - and then down the stairs. I would walk in to the wall of “what’s the point” and push it away. Heading to my desk, where I sat by the hour before Tom died, to pick off one email, one call, one letter. Each single job done accumulated into the final documents for probate and IHT - and suddenly, after 3 months, it was all done. So keep chipping away at it. Don’t look at the mountain, just the next step you are going to take. Each single step will get you to the finish line of the sadmin, I promise.
I made a good friend of chocolate. I tried to walk each day. I tried to hold my head up for a sufficient amount of time so I could see the sky from the time to time.
I talked to Tom each day, each night. I figured out each problem and surprised myself as I did it.
In short, like you are doing, I kept going - inch by inch became yard by yard as I grew in confidence, in experience, in sheer determination to get to solid ground. You are getting there, too, my friend.
Keep posting, keep inching along, you will find the light that way.
Your friends on here are with you x
3 Likes
Hi Nicola,
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! People here are here to support, encourage, advice or just listen. Colin died in July. The loss is so physically painful, its scarey., There when you wake, there when you go to bed, there in your dreams, its overwhelming. Time does have a knack of aiding you to cope day by day i am finding. Family and friends are so important to. Reach out to them, talk to them it may surprise you how much your friends and family want to talk about him but dont want to upset you. I have been surprised with so many more memories they have of Colin and they are lovely to hear.
Bear with the paperwork, it does get easier.
1 Like
I lost my husband at the end of october I’m jn my sixties so older than you - i try to do things each day usually in the morning then i stop because my head will only allow me to do so much - every room in the house is a mess but it doesnt matter i dont think - I knit and crochet to try and distract
1 Like
Hi Nicola. Im in my sixties too. I still work 3 days a week at my local hospital which i must admit, has been such a help. The friends i have at work have been so supportive. I fill the days off with cleaning, sorting, washing and staying with mum every other weekend, she lost dad some year’s ago so i can talk to her and she understands. We actual sat having snowballs (alcohol ) this weekend…not a drinker so felt quite light headed:) Colin went to work the Monday morning and had a cardiac arrest so he never came back home. We moved into this house in the April and he died in the July. We had so many plans.Caravan, motorbiking which i have had to sell both. Its shit to put it bluntly but this site has and is helping. Please keeping talking, we all have broad shoulders we can take it. Xx
1 Like
Thank you x
Thanks everyone. All good tips and reflections and its so nice you’ve shared parts of your own stories and how you cope. Nice to feel not so alone and things your are saying resonate.
I was married to the warmest, caring lovely guy. Lucky in many ways. But he did not cope terribly well with things life dealt him, and hence was a great pretender … which has now left me with some messes and things to deal with and uncover that is adding to my heartache and questions and things that haunt me and are unresolved for me that leave me in doubt and pain while I’m working through the grief and sadmin.
Thank you all for your support and kind words and advice xx