I too only do the bare minimum. Most days I just sit and others I manage to do things.I feel ill most of the time. At the moment I can’t see a way out xxx
Hi Katey, how awful for you to find your husband had passed away unexpectedly in the night. You had no time to prepare yourself beforehand, or think what to do. It’s hardly surprising a month on that you still feel lost and unable to function. You’ve hardly had time to take it all in. And grief can cause a variety of physical symptoms; for weeks I had cramp in my legs at night, and many of us have difficulty sleeping.
But I hope by now that you have been able to gather support from family and friends around you. I think it will be a while before you start functioning again. Just be gentle with yourself and don’t expect too much from yourself. If you have a bad day, you just have to accept that bad days are part of the grieving process, and there will be better days to come.
I know at first there doesn’t seem a way out of where you are, but your grief will take you forward. Of course it will take time, lots of it, but each day you get through is a day of grieving behind you, and a day closer to your eventual release. You just have to stick at it like you would running a marathon.
I have found this site to be a source of comfort, good advice, and somewhere to ’ talk ’ to people in similar circumstances. I hope you find the same. Best wishes.
Thanks Neil
It’s nice to this normal. If you know what I mean.
I try and plan little things each day to focus on.
You are normal Katey, this site is great for helping you understand that. My daily task is getting bathed and dressed, anything beyond that is a major accomplishment, I mowed the lawn on Wednesday and felt so proud of myself I wanted to show my husband what I’d done, yesterday I slept all afternoon, that’s the way it goes.
Neil is right, it’s not just our mental state that gets us down it’s also physical. I’ve had shingles as well calling the paramedics take who to hospital one night with stomach pains, they gave me meds I was allergic to but I didn’t notice for week as I thought the rash was reacted to shingles, the allergy took a string grip on me and I’ve ended up with my neck and face so red and sore with my skin peeling off. Through all of this illness I know my husband would have been here helping me, looking after me and keeping me calm.
Then I have the meltdown days. I had a seven page questionnaire from the insurance company, they asked stupid questions such as ‘where did I bury my husnad’ and ‘what certificate did I show the funeral director’ I even had to provide two independent witnesses to the burial. I couldn’t handle it, I told them to stuff their money, luckily my BIL is on copy to all emails and he took over. I know I scared him that day, to be honest I scared myself but the important thing is that I got through it.
I hope we all have a good support network around us to help us through the bad and scary days X
Oh my gosh. Don’t the forms etc get you. I rang virgin you say Darren had died they then asked when would be a better time ro call back and speak to him. . I won’t repeat my response. I am at moment sterling myself to get dressed as I have to go to town. That will be my achievement today x
That’s good Katey getting out for while does help well done.
On the subject of paperwork there doesn’t seem to be an end to it there is always something and even though we know we are entitled to these funds (insurance, pensions etc) it has made me feel as if I’m under scrutiny, explaining it all again and again is exhausting and trying to sound half sensible when the sobbing starts… This is just to acquire the correct forms let alone the completion and getting ‘registrar’ copies of a wedding certificate which I would not send off in the post - we thought we only would ever need 1, didn’t we? These things really pull you down when you thought you were managing to plough through the list of ‘must do’s’. Sorry for the rant.
Sun has come out again now, will do something in the garden I think. Best wishes to allxxxxxxxxxx still missing him so badly today tho’
I know what you mean and after the sobbing I start swearing then tell people I am not listening as I do not like what they are saying. If only to be a tiddler again and throw yourself on floor for a major paddy
Rant away Billie and throw those paddy fits if you want to Katey. I think a good rant is therapeutic sometimes, well that’s my excuse and who’s going to argue with me in my delicate state?
Yes, I’ve too felt like a scrounger and a gold digger, even my husbands company made me feel that way and he died on their time. I don’t want the money, I want my husband back, I’m fed up being told I’ll be ok once the insurance pays out, I won’t be ok, money can’t mend a broken heart, I’d live in a caravan if we could grow old together there.
I felt the same way about sending certificates off, recorded delivery is fine but it’s still no guarantee and who’s to say the insurance company won’t lose them. I wouldn’t let my husbands death certificate out of my sight, he died in Oman, everyone wanted to see the original certificate but I only had one. I did get certified copies from my local job centre plus but that wasn’t good enough for the insurance companies. My BIL drove around the country to different agents to let them view the DC, I don’t know what I’d have done without him.
Thankyou all so much for support so far. Today has been a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow I will get out and walk the dog x
I hope you managed to get out for a walk Katey the weather outside is good I’ve been working in the garden.
Kimmie you said exactly what I feel - I don’t want money, I want him back! Nothing prepares us for this. Such unexpected tradegy xxxx
Yes Billie, I found it very hurtful when my husbands MD said I’d be ok because of the business insurance, he made me feel like I should be grateful for it, even excited. I don’t work, this money is nothing compared to the earning potential my husband still had left in him, I will have to invest to get a monthly income and yet his MD treats it like a lottery win and insinuates I’ll be living in luxury. All I want it’s the luxury of my husband arms around me x
Oh Kimmy I’m sorry. It must be very hard to imagine how this feels for others - I have experienced family bereavements but our special person being taken from us so suddenly is /was unimaginable pain. All the compassion and sympathy just doesn’t seem to help. My ex work colleagues are all so kind but its quite distressing when they say at least you don’t have money worries so you will be OK. I just don’t answer they miss the pointxxx
That’s very true Billie, compassion and sympathy don’t help at all, nobody can understand unless they have experienced this intimate loss. My father died six years ago and I thought that pain was hard to bear but nothing could have prepared me for this.
My mother in law is a great help, she was widowed aged 62, I felt so sorry for her then but didn’t fully understand her pain until now, her pain must be doubled from losing her son and yet she still reaches out to support me. She is proud of her son for leaving me financially stable but when I said I hate the money because it feels like payment for his life she understood and that was a comfort x
Evening Kimmy, so true we didn’t understand how losing that special person is so different from all those others that we loved so much. Now you and I and others realise this and want to help and support all of those going thru this … haven’t got words for it! Let us keep in touch and advise what’s good for us? You are not as far along as I am so I know that is a hard task … for me too tho. Don’t know where I’m going there is nowhere I want to go except …even though I feel like this I have a strong support who won’t let me go. So thankful. Let me know how you’re doing and what you think. It would help me I’m sure and hopefully you too putting it down. I know how busy you are though now. Bless you and catch up soon xxxx