Sudden death of my husband

My husband was returning from a four day business trip in Singapore when he took a massive heart attack on the plane. The crew saved him and diverted the plane to Oman where he died in an ambulance at the airport.
I find it hard to accept that the last time I saw my him he was fit, well and perfectly relaxed after having a lovely Christmas and New Year break from work. I often pretend he is still on a business trip to enable myself to get through a day but I can’t go on pretending, I can’t find enthusiasm so to housework or gardening, I sit around all day and then can’t sleep at night despite taking sleeping tablets.
We were a very together couple, I don’t want to continue a life without him but I’m not about to dump any more misery on my daughter. I can’t imagine any happiness in the future as any event will be sad without my husband.
May I ask how other widows and widowers get through their days alone?

Kimmy i can share you feelings as i lost my wife five months ago, November 29th 2016 suddenly aged 49.

Like you we too were a togeather couple, always did things togeather, cooking, shopping, looking after our kids etc, and gardening.

I miss her advice, laughter, kindness, she was a kind generous smiley person, time for others, helping people etc but never for herself .
I lost her suddenly after emergency surgery, she never woke up ten days after her operation
I too am lost and struggle to cope and get by every day, we can only cry and try to find some sort of understanding from sites such as this one.
Morning/ evenings I’m lost and i tend to walk alone in the evenings greiving for her, crying, talking out aloud. Sharing the times we had.

Married to BAL for 23 years and never apart.
Life is hard my house is silent, my kids and i cannot describe nor any words of what we are having to endure without her.
I hope you find solace in your life, you have come to the correct place, we can all share each others loss.

Hi Ravinder
Thank you for sharing your feelings, it somehow helps to know that I’m not the only one feeling that half of me is missing. I talk to friends but however much they sympathise they really can’t understand what it’s like. I feel so alone, like I’m the only person grieving while everyone around me is happy.

I talk to my husband constantly, I still expect him to come home and when I have a problem I put off dealing with it because he always dealt with everything for me. He was so kind and so happy, life really isn’t fair.

I wish this site didn’t have to exist, that all of us could be still happy with our loved ones but I know that can’t be. I get tired of being told how brave I am by people who can’t possibly understand how heartbroken I am, I’m not brave, I cry every day but friends don’t see that. I hope to find comfort amongst others who understand and share my pain, it’s good to know I’ve come to the right place

Hi Kimmy. So sorry for the loss of your husband and you have found the right place for support as we are all at some stage of our grief. My husband died on 30 November. He was 83, so had had a good life but we were a very close couple and life without him is hard and very strange. All the emotions you are feeling are a normal part of grieving for a much loved spouse. Added to that you have the shock because his death wasn’t expected. There’s always shock with a death but sudden death must make the shock element harder…My only advice is to take each day at a time and do what you feel like doing. If you don’t feel like doing anything, that’s fine but even just getting out of the house for a short walk will,help. Don’t expect too much too soon and be kind to yourself. It sounds so trite to say this but things do get better in time but there is no easy way through the grief we are all going through. Come here as much as you want and you will find support and understanding. Thinking of you.xx

Hi Kimmy, I am so sorry to read of your sudden and unexpected loss in January. I lost my wife in October last year after a long struggle with cancer.

You ask how we get through our days? I spend as much time as I can with friends and family, especially my young grandson who never fails to lift my spirits. I try not to think about the future too much, just focussing on the day ahead. I try to be kind to myself, and don’t expect too much from myself. If I think I can help someone by posting on here l do. I try to understand the process of grieving, what to expect, and where it is leading. People who have been through this say we can find some sort of happiness again, although it is hard to imagine early on. But the thought that it will get easier helps you keep going.

I agree eating alone is particularly difficult and the first time I did any gardening I burst into tears when I’d finished. Crying when you need to does release tension and brings some relief.

Do keep going not only for the sake of your daughter, but all your friends and family as well. With best wishes, Neil.

Thank you so much to Gilli and Neil for such encouragement and for helping me feel normal.

I’ve set myself the basic task of getting bathed and dressed before ten each morning and I’m managing that, a cat screaming for breakfast helps. After that I’m at the mercy of emotions, I think the shock of my husbands death protected me at the beginning and I was able to organise his funeral quite calmly but now as the shock wears off I’m left with the cold, hard reality of never seeing him again.

I try to think his quick passing was better for him, he was an active man and I can’t imagine him ever being ill and suffering the way others have. I watched my father die of stomach cancer six years ago, I would have hated seeing my strong husband go that way. It’s mixed emotions, I guess we all feel things could have been different or better for our loved ones and we all wish for the impossible.

Hi Kimmy. I’m so pleased to see you have found this forum helpful. We all understand what you are going through. It’s good you gave set yourself s little task of getting washed and dressed each day. I have two cats and they want their breakfast, no matter what! Small steps Kimmy. The initial stages of trying to see a future without the person we have lost is normal but it’s too soon to see a way ahead, getting through each day, or even each hour sometimes, is enough. In time we will get a clearer idea but for now it’s just enough to get through, adjusting to what has happened. This all takes time but you will get there. Just be kind and do what you can.xx

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Hi Kimmy sincerely sorry for your loss and think I understand how you are feeling. My lovely husband died very suddenly last August. The way we feel is empty, lonely,and cheated at the loss of the future with our soul mates - the only positive thing for me is that he didn’t suffer. I cannot tell you that I feel any better after 8 months in fact possibly worse. I didn’t return to work as I knew I wouldn’t cope. Family, friends do everything they can to help and I talk a lot about him/us and cry every day. Does anyone have any experience of speaking to a counsellor I have never felt the need before but I do feel quite desperate at times and wonder if it would help. What do you think?

Hi Billie,
Thank you for your kind words. I am having couselling from Cruse once a week, to be honest I don’t think it’s helping me at all but we are all different so it’s worth trying. I also attend a coffee morning once a month where my husband is buried, I find the casual group of people united in grief a lot more comforting than the one to one clinical type of counselling.

Hi Kimmy, thanks for your message. I am thinking about counselling as I don’t want to drag those close to me down, my daughter especially she has her own pain to deal with and is trying so hard to make it better for me. I can see that it would be helpful to talk to a group of people in similar circumstances though. I find I’m very anxious with strangers now. My best step has been joining a gym doing classes 4 or 5 days each week especially the yoga that hour takes me away from my thoughts most. The ladies I’ve met there are very friendly and supportive although all still have their partners and that makes me different.

We can only try different things to see what helps. I try to imagine what he would want me to do - I know its not crying all day but sometimes that’s all we can do.

Keep trying Kimmy!

Best wishes

Wow Billie I’m impressed, all those gym sessions will be good for body and mind, I do pilates once a week but can’t build up any enthusiasm to get back to my regular exercise. I get anxious when I’m away from home too long, I make excuses not to go out and can’t even manage housework or gardening. I have friends close by but they all still have husbands, one is divorced which really isn’t the same.

I can’t imagine what my husband would want me to do, I’ve tried to imagine what I would want him to do if I had died but I can’t. We always thought we would grow old together.

Do try counselling, it can’t hurt to try x

Hi Kimmy, I hope you have been ok this afternoon. I think a lot of us have asked ourselves what our husband’s/wives would have wanted us to do, I know I have. But I hadn’t considered the reverse - if we had died what would we want those we left behind to do?

I definitively would have wanted my wife to do whatever made her happy. I wouldn’t want her to be sad or cry or mope around, but to be as happy as possible. I’d want her to enjoy her life and find happiness in any way she could.

Thank you for asking that question, it has brought a new perspective. With best wishes.

You’re welcome Neil, it gave me a smile to think I’ve helped you in some small way, so thank you for cheering my day a little too.

I haven’t even been able to answer my own question yet, all I know is that I would want my husband to take good care of my daughter, she is my only reason for living now.

Hi Kimmy, I’m glad it brought a smile to your face, it’s what this community is all about - encouraging and supporting each other.

I’m sure your husband would want exactly the same thing as you - for you to take good care of your daughter. And of course to take good care of yourself too. It’s so hard sometimes, but your daughter is a very good reason for you to look after yourself and to keep on living.

I hope you find some comfort today.

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Kimmy the gym sessions have helped me a lot, because it is for an hour or so at a time. I feel the same way as you about my home, when I’m out I panic if I think I will be out for very long, home is the place I feel closest to Peter. My husband worked long hours and was out early and back late it still feels like he is coming home for dinner each evening so maybe not looking the tragedy in the face all the time, bluffing ourselves a bit, carrying on a bit in the same routines but gradually adding new things is the kindest way for us? Be kind to yourself today. Best wishes.xx

I feel just like that about my house. It’s where I feel closest to my wife too. Maybe I’m not facing up to the situation fully, and bluffing myself as you say. But if it helps us get through the day I guess it is ok for now. Best wishes

Long hours, out early and back late all sound very familiar to me Billie, plus the business trips, I always told him the company would still be going long after he wasn’t. With my husbands death happening on a business trip I haven’t accepted that he’s not on his way home, so yes you’re right, I am bluffing myself a bit. I like the idea of continuing my old routine and gradually adding new things, it seems a more gentle way than accepting the harsh reality all at once.

Home is definitely a comfort, I feel safe here, my husband loved our home so much and the work that he has done here has imbedded him in every room x

Hi all
My husband died suddenly in his sleep at 51 of a massive heart attack. I am lost and at the moment totally unable to function

Katey, so sorry - hoping you have support through this awful time.

Thanks for your message Neil - Yes whatever helps even if just a bit- talking to them as if they’re there - we are not mad (yet) just need to feel them near.I’ve washed and ironed his underwear and socks and put them back in the drawer several times these past months. Just makes me feel I’m doing something for him.

And Kimmie, my husband was a craftsman he loved our home too and his love is in each room so I know exactly what you mean.

Many thanks to everyone for todays conversations xxxx they have made me feel a little less alone in all this.

Hi Katey, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. The shock is unbearable is it? Don’t worry about functioning at the moment, I only do the bare minimum of housework.

So glad you feel a little less alone by talking here Billie, I know what you mean, I have found a lot of comfort from people in just the few days I’ve been a member. Being a craftsman I bet your husband had a lot of tools, mine was a engineer, his tools are still lay out the way he left them, I can’t stand to disturb them, I keep hoping he will come home to finish the jobs he had started over Christmas. Sometimes I tell him off for the half finished projects, I too talk out loud and tell him I love him just as I did every day he was with me, I’m not mad yet but getting there.