Sudden death

Losing a parent
1

I lost my mum on Friday and didn’t expect it at all. My mum has had poor health for a while now and was admitted to hospital at the start of January under a mental health section 2 act due to irratic behaviour possible psychotic symptoms since October onwards. It was a daily thing of her saying the neighbours were entering her house and beaten her up, poisoning her pets, controlling her and the list goes on. In the end I felt I needed outside help so rang the doctor and eventually a mental health team assessed her and agreed she needed admitted. My mum had full capacity and said she hated the mental health team and if I was to get her in it would be the death of her . My brother and I had no choice due to the endless calls she made to the police in the early hours, my neighbours calling me and my mum’s lack of sleep also contributing to her symptoms. I knew I had to be cruel to be kind. Two months of being in hospital she was transferred to 6 different places because her chest was hurting and was later on a ventilator and suffered a type 2 heart attack as well as a clot in her leg being discovered. She eventually became physically fit to be discharged however because she was still under a mental health section was due to go back to a mental hospital. She begged me to get her home and in the end I felt being at home was more comfortable for her physical health and after seeing her having a rest for some months I felt she improved slightly. My mum was discharged on Monday night and I visited her Tuesday and Wednesday after work. I didn’t call in Thursday and visited her Friday after work only to find her in the bath deceased blue with no idea of what happened . She is currently undergoing a post mortem but I can’t stop thinking about the memory of Friday and the shock of it being a sudden death. The emotions I have endured are out of this world from shock, guilt, anger , depression, anxious, helplessness, failure, sickness ! Can someone help me with sudden death and coping

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Hello @Snoopybeauty, thank you for bravely reaching out and sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for the sudden death of your mum. Your loss is so very recent, and in the early stages of grief you may be caught up in a whirlwind of things that you need to do and sort out, or you may feel shocked and numb.

This thread is from a little while ago, but in it lots of people share how they have coped with a sudden loss like yours - you may find it helpful to read.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community to be a support and that you feel able to reach out for more support should you need it. Take good care - you are not alone.

Seaneen

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So sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mum very suddenly in December 2021. she was diagnosed with a rare heart condition that actually was causedby a blood disorder so needed chemo in hospital . I was on the phone to the nurses about getting her home then about an hour and half later the doctor called me to say she had passed. I couldn’t believe it. I cannot image how it must of been for you finding your mum. It’s unbelievable pain and sorrow but I found being around the ones I love and cherish really helped me. The sadness has not left me, but I have found a way to keep on and keep busy. I felt very alone but I see on this forum there are lots of people offering support. A friend Tilden grief is love with no where to go which helped me a little. Give yourself time and take it a day at a time xx

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Snoopybeauty, you’ve been through a terrible ordeal that has ended up in tragedy through no fault of your own. It’s been so recent I’m sure you’re still shellshocked and are trying to come to terms with what happened. My mom died on 8th March but it was expected as she was 93 and in pain and double incontinent so she was in a terrible state and in a way, it was a kind of blessing as it released her from suffering. She also had dementia and imagined all sorts of crazy things but we simply had to let it go over our heads. In your case, it was harder because she kept phoning the police so you had no choice in the end but allow her to be admitted. I know the guilt comes and you question whether you could have made better decisions but from what you have said I don’t think you had any choice whatsoever. Everything you did was for the good of your mom and there are situations where no matter what you do it ends badly so please don’t feel guilty. I have reproached myself also as to whether I could have taken better care of my mom but some things are inevitable no matter what we do, hard as that is to accept, and I think guilt is just part of the grieving process. However, I do find that posting on this site helps a little as it shares one’s feelings with others in a similar situation so please keep talking to us as I’m sure it will help. Lots of love…

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