Yes, I get those eureka moments!! Just by myself; weird. Trying to climb the mountain when sometimes (but nowhere near always) a walk around the mountain would be better. Hoping to get more of these moments 
xx
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This could be me talking. I lost my husband in the same sudden, unexpected way in late January after 32 years of marriage. The grief journey is exhausting and relentless. I have 2 daughters and they both have partners, theyāve have been wonderful but also stricken with their own grief. The future looks so bleak now. Much love and solidarity to you as we share this horrendous experience.
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I can understand your pain. A loved one dying is really hard anyway but for it to happen suddenly is very overwhelming and much more difficult to deal with. Try not to torture yourself with āwhat ifsā although I know from experience that you will. Be kind to yourself. Sending love xxx
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@Cattia im so sorry for your loss and can totally empathise because I lost my man suddenly and unexpectedly to heart failure also . This was in January 2023 and the shock has never gone away . He walked out of the house perfectly well and just never returned. His heart stopped and with it , so did my life xxx
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@Darryl.O my partner died on the 9th and I am also struggling to accept it. But i know it is incredibly early days. The first couple of weeks I was stuck in limbo as he needed a post-mortem. Then it was arranging the funeral sorting finances etc and then having his celebration of life. Its such a haze and i think i was numb through most of it. It was after that i started to feel it, and tbh i wish i was numb. This absolute hearbreak and pain feels unbearable as it does for all of you too. Being able to come here and rant or ask a question or even just read what others have said does bring comfort take care my lovelies
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It is all so painful isnāt it? Thanks for your kind words @Jules24. Your situation sounds very like mine. My husband was wearing an Apple Watch but we donāt have the pin to open it. I actually think this is a good thing as if I could see the exact moment his heart stopped and possibly that I didnāt find him for a few minutes that would mean I maybe could have saved him but didnāt. This is already torturing me but at least now I donāt know it for a fact. The consultant said his heart stopped at the same time as his heart attack which gave him no chance to shout out but I canāt escape the feeling I should have found him quicker.
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@starbright and @Jules24
Iām in exactly the same position as you. Six and a half months later I still torture myself with the idea that if Iād gone out to the garden earlier he would still be here today. Iām trained in CPR and I could have given him a chance. Everyone assures me that it would have been instantaneous and I hope theyāre right but I think the anxiety of this is going to always be very difficult. But I also take a great deal of comfort from the fact that he died at home, enjoying his life right up to the end. I know he dreaded ever becoming dependant and in need of care, I just wish Iād had a last few moments with him. Xx
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@Mist2 it just adds another anxiety at a time when things are overwhelming but you are right the focus should be on the fact he had no idea and that he lost consciousness at home and in an instant. I guess there is no point in thinking if only because that simply isnāt what happened even though I wish it was.
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After discussions with medical professionals i have been totally reassured that it was sudden and irreversible. I was actual cuddled up with my husband when he collapsed and started CPR immediately. I knew within a couple of minutes that he had gone. He went peacefully which helps me . Sending you all empathy, support and hugs x
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@starbright and @Jules24
āIf onlyā is a very difficult concept in this situation. We could spend an eternity feeling like that, but it wonāt bring them back and I find myself thankful that I didnāt ever see him suffer with poor health. He had a very happy and active life and lived it to the full. Itās a small crumb of comfort. 6 months ago I would never have thought in the middle of the gut wrenching shock and horror that I would ever come to terms with it, because I have a feeling that it wasnāt peaceful for him, but the tiniest chink of light is now beginning to appear, and I wish the same for anyone in these circumstances. Xx
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Thatās exactly right. We have to cling onto any morsel of āhopeā. My husband was very sporty and would have hated being incapacitated, ill or indeed growing old and frail. He wasnāt looking forward to becoming sixty. He had fancied a big party too which we hadnāt organised with it being early January. He died three days before turning 60 and I ended up organising the party for 130 people as his celebration of life. He would have loved it and I felt he was there with us in spirit. It was certainly very celebratory rather than maudlin.
The whole situation is utterly shit but Iām trying to cling on to any positives I can, like the wonderful children and friends he brought into my life and the 35 very happy years I got to share with him
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I think that is so right ie clinging on to the positives. That is what brings us back up when we are so down but it is such a roller coaster and at times the negatives creep back in and can overwhelm. I find I can be ok and suddenly a thought will pop into my mind from absolutely nowhere and completely disarm me. Sometimes it seems more steps backward than forward but there are good days and hopefully these will be more often. Take care everyone xxx
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And there are positives. In my working environment I have come across people who survived the sort of situation that took Alan. Survived but left brain injured and unable to function. He would have hated that. And, being brutally honest, so would I. Alan already had some mobility issues and it wasnāt easy. But he didnāt let them stop him and he valued every moment. Iām taking his lead and planning my future and, quite frankly, itās looking pretty good. Of course I would have preferred the future that we had planned but it isnāt an option. He isnāt coming back and no amount of āwhat ifsā or tears are going to change that. My life is in front of me and Iām going to fight for it. Yes there are some sad moments but I am a fighter and I absolutely will not let them overwhelm me. And as time passes they are getting fewer. I am doing things and meeting people that I never would have if this hadnāt happened and that is really positive. Who knows where this new chapter will lead? I canāt wait to find out. As ever I hope that everyone will be able to find a little bit of peace and good in today, tomorrow and beyond. x
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That is so positive and I feel same. Not to say have āthose momentsā every day and miss my Jeff so much. The hospital were so completely honest with me on that 30 Dec 23 very early. They were concerned about blood getting to brain - I know Jeff, ājā would not want that, such an active man.
So now day to day, but getting better, have to push some days but also meeting new people and looking at happier times positively, it will come.
Your message has inspired me, difficult, but we must do it !!!
Loads love xx
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You are a courageous warrior! I am so impressed with your attitude. Its exactly what i am aiming to do too. I am rediscovering the āmeā that i was, enhanced by the wonderful years i spent growing with my husband. I am desperately sad but i am determined to create a new future for myself and show my children that you can still grow with grief as a constant companion . I wish you all the very best 
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@Mist2
I have the the exact same feeling If only I had gone into his bedroom when I woke in the middle of the nightā¦ to find him gone in the morning was such a shockā¦ but I know deep down it must have been quick as he looked so peaceful with his hands under his face asleepā¦ thatās what keeps me goingā¦
He had crohns and was just about to start dialysis for kidney failureā¦ he wouldnāt of wanted that and he was dreading his crohns getting worseā¦ but selfishly you want them backā¦ he said his chest hurt a few days before and died of heart failureā¦he used to eat such rubbish and I eat mainly veg but it really made me start eating crapā¦ as if Iām going to go I donāt want to get old I want it to be quick!
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@Jules24
I wish I had such a positive attitudeā¦ I started off with one but Iām going backwards againā¦ 
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This is comforting for me @Arvia because my husband would have hated the very restricted world that recovery with a brain injury would have meant for him. He was fit and active and it would have been a horrible life for him and for us both. From that awful day onwards there was never a good path for us really, quicker discovery/CPR or not.
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Jules24. I was in your place 15 months ago. After the funeral was worse for me. Thatās when it became real.
15 months on the black hole is still there but itās easier than it was back then.
This emotional rollercoaster we travel is tough, exhausting and nobody can understand it unless they have lost their soul mate.
I too am a positive person but youāre so right. Itās the future experiences that our loved ones will miss out on. We grieve for our past and for our future without them.
I send you love and the knowledge that this group can help by sharing our feelings. Take care
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Yesterday was awful for me. I was overwhelmed with panic that I just canāt escape this life I donāt want anymore. I hope today is better but I just donāt know where to turn when it all takes over.
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