I’ve finally mustered enough courage to write here. Sorry if it’s too vivid and long… I don’t know who to talk to and i am in total darkness and sometimes guilt…
It’s been nearly two months since my partner passed away in front of me at home. We’d known each other for more than 17 years, and been living together for 15 years… He moved from his home country UK to start a new life with me in HK.
He was feeling a bit of back-pain and stiff back muscle on Thursday, I rubbed some Tiger Balm ointment on his back and the stiffness went away on Friday. He felt tired and slept a lot on Thursday and Friday without much appetite but was drinking a lot of energy drink and coke.
It was like he had a flu but no fever… Could still walk and answer the door, some friends he tutored and I asked him to see the doctor but he always said another day. I didn’t want to force him because he said ‘I don’t like hospital because my aunt went in and never came out.’
On Saturday and Sunday I didn’t work and stayed at home for him, he ate some plum, rice porridge and some biscuits and seemed ok. He could still fetch water and go to the toilet on his own. Monday morning he was coughing on the sofa when I got up at 6:00am he said he couldn’t breathe for a min, he asked me to light him a menthol cigarette to soothe his throat, after having a drag he said he felt better, i told him i am calling the ambulance, he was like ‘I need to clean myself first because haven’t had shower for two days’, i offered to wipe him with a wet towel and told him not to move. He then asked me to get him some glucose drinks and a sandwich from the store downstairs. It took me around 3-5 mins to get back from the store. He must had walked like 10 metres to the office from the sofa and I found him lying on the computer room’s floor, but his back was leaning on some stuff (the room was cluttered), imagine the pose when you lay on a beach lounge chair… He was still conscious and said ‘its a bit uncomfy laying here, help me up’, I tried but I couldn’t as he was like 260 lbs. I called the ambulance immediately and he slowly lost consciousness before they arrived. I suppose i should had tried to move him to perform CPR, but i was afraid of hurting him and all I could do was taking his portable fan to blow some air on his face… After he fell unconscious, some coke he drank earlier flew out of his nose, i was so scared and at a loss as to what to do… Three strong paramedics had arrived maybe within 5-7mins, it was a hard job for them to get him out of the apartment … They did try CPR and an injection on his leg but i could tell from their faces that he was gone… Later at the ER they tried as well but to no avail… Then i had to deal with the policemen because it was a sudden case. He left me at the age of 66.
I now need to deal with this sudden grief, we were planning to move before and it’s so difficult to deal with his belongings… I managed to almost clear the room where it all happened, but sometimes i feel i cannot breathe and there’s a weight in my chest… I miss him everyday, I think of him first thing when i wake up, i cannot work because I need to sort out the apartment.
Now i think i might had overlooked the signs of his illness, the report is supposed to be out soon but i think i will be afraid to look, the paramedics said he had sign of stomach bleeding but the doctor had no clue. I’m so sad, so lost and hopeless at times. I have some emotional support from his friends and relatives but I still feel nothing matters now for me anymore…