Sudden loss of mother

I lost mum on 21st March, day before mother’s Day. It was a complete shock as I found her and we were not expecting it. I cannot function in life now. I can’t work, I can’t sleep. I dream about her all the time and she doesn’t know she is dead. I wouldn’t say we were overly close but she was my rock and I am lost without her. How can I move on from this? I know in time it will hurt less but right now I am making my family sad too because now they are worried about me.

Hello Suemel,

I’m so sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your Mum. How devastating for you, the shock of finding your Mum and the suddenness of her untimely death.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here, and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

Another good place to get support is Cruse Bereavement, they offer a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services

Take care,

Audrey

Online Community team

Hi Suemel
I’m sorry to read about the sudden loss of your mum. My 74 year old mum suffered an out of the blue bleed on the brain while she was in the recovery room for a routine operation 1 year and 2 months ago.
I had just dropped her at the hospital and was waiting for the call to tell me I could come back and get her.
Instead my mum was in a deep coma and died within hours.
The shock was so great that I was signed off eirk for months. Even now, I cant quite comprehend what has happened. My mum lived with us and was in pretty good shape.
All I can say is that things will get better. Very slowly.
The rawness does subside. There were days that I didnt want to wake up the following day and my partner and daughter were so worried about me. I was never suicidal. I simply didnt want to live without my mum.
Take things hour by hour, then day by day and you will get there.
Cheryl x

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Hi Sue,
That is so sad for your mom and your family.
I have been through the same thing. My healthy fit dad passed away in his sleep 14 months ago. It was so out of the blue. He was fine, no major ailments, was not even on any medications, then he died out of thin air. He was in his mid to late 70’s. If you had a bet on who of his friends would live to 100 - it would be him. We think he suffered from a freak cardiac arrest in his sleep.
You are five months down the line, which is no time at all. Especially when dealing with shocking sudden loss.
What you are going through is normal sucky grief.
I could not eat, I was tired and slept constantly, all I wanted to do was to be alone, meditate (never did it before), and try to turn back the events that unfolded.
I know how much pain that you feel. It clouds every waking moment. The important thing to remember is that people around you every day have suffered at some point or another. They all got through it, and you will too.
I forced myself to eat at least once a day. You have to try to stay healthy - your family needs you, and one day the cloud will lift, the future you will thank the past you for taking care of yourself.
Regarding the dreams - they are relentless. I had them too. I dont know if it is the mind creating them or the person contacting you or a combination. After 8 months of the dreams, I asked my dad to stop because it was tormenting me. I did not want to let him go, but at the same time, I am still alive and needed to move forward. Just like that, they stopped. I do still get an infrequent dream from time to time.
Please post more if you need to. Many of us have suffered from sudden loss of a parent. Its traumatizing. I need this group to get through it. Cheryl, who commented a above, has been a tremendous friend to me.
There is a large volume of collective wisdom on this forum.
Hope you have a peaceful mind today,
Ell

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Omg Suemel, my mummy passed away suddenly on 20th April and for ages I kept seeing dreams where she doesn’t know she’s dead, or where she’s been given a week and I’m desperately trying to cure her (my mum didn’t have any known illnesses, her death was completely unexpected). She was only 54 and was only meant to start living!!

I’m like you. I can barely work, sleep or eat. She’s always in my thoughts and I just can’t cope. There’s nothing and nobody I want, I just want my mum back. I can’t be there for other people, I can’t even be there for myself. All I want is my mum

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Hi Sanjab. So sorry to hear you are going through the same. It’s awful not wanting to go to sleep because of the dreams and then being so tired in the morning not wanting to get up and face the world without her. I know as everyone says it just takes time and it will get easier. I just wish I could fast forward so I can start functioning again.

Hi Sanjab,
I had those same dreams all last summer and into the fall. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Its exactly what happened to my dad - 100% out of nowhere.
I kept a dream journal.
I also could not eat or work. I was sleeping constantly and needed to be by myself. I tried to force myself to eat. Working was tough. It comes back little by little. You can probably only concentrate for an hour. Eventually it will get back to normal. For me, it took 6 - 8 months to be able to focus at work. I am here to give you hope for the future as far as your stress levels and the ability to get back to your normal mind. The sadness and loss is another story and we will carry that for the rest of our lives.
Warmly,
Ell

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