Hello everyone here,
Like Anneka my son was 34 when he passed away on December 9th he had a brain tumour, and originally he had it operated on and we had 4 really good years together and I thought we were out of the woods, how wrong could I be it came back with a vengeance on August '16. I will never get over losing him. He was such a character, lived all over the World, and would help anybody. He was living in Sweden when he came home in November 2012 to tell me what had happened, had another seizure and couldn’t go back. His operation was supposed to be the following week. But he had to wait until Jan 2013 to have it operated on here. I look at his photos and ask why you not me but never get an answer. The very last thing he said to me as he slipped into a coma on the 8th December was I love you too in reply to me. That was the last words he ever spoke. He died here at home with all his family and his best friend around him. He did no want to go to hospital, so I nursed him here.
Dear Helen
Thank you so much for your reply. I am so sorry about the loss of your son, you sound like an amazing lady to nurse him at home and he sounds like a truely brave and kind young man. I have learnt from this website that it does not matter how your child died either through an accident as my son did or through illness like your son did, the pain is still the same and the feeling of hopelessness is still the same. We would all do anything to have them back 1 day after the pass to years later, this does not seem to change. Three months on from my beautiful boys death I feel like I am walking under a deep dark cloud. I do things but find no joy in them, no peace, no comfort even in those who are left here with me, I do hope and pray that some days this changes as my other two children need their mum, but at the moment I am not a full person, a big chunk of me died when my boy did and there is no getting it back, I think you will know what I mean.
I wish I could have said goodbye to my son but know in reality that this would not have made things easier for me know. We all wish for something else, a different place to be but in reality grief is grief and there is no escape from it
Take care
Janet
Sam was an amazing individual, his friends said to me “we used to foget he had that thing in his head” He worked his way back in 2012 from an operation where the neurosurgeon gave him a controlled stroke on the operating table in order to take more of the tumour, so he could not walk after the operation or use his left side. Yet within a month he was walking in a year he finished his carpentry courses all with distinction and was driving an automatic car again. A very determined young man. I am and always will be very proud of him. There is no comfort in grief and I try very hard when it hits to think of all the positives that he did rather than wallow, sometimes not all the time I succeed. Which is why I talk out loud to him I know he is here around me and I know he can hear me, so I tell him things like I’m off to Asda or to pick up Stanley (my grandson who is 3) just everyday chit chat. It helps me to know that he can hear me and he’s probably laughing at me. There is a lady at zumba where I go and her daughter died of an asthma attack 30 years ago, she said gradually you learn to walk alongside the grief know it is there but try your best to look forward, as both Sam and your son would want for you and me. There is no time limit with grief, when your child dies the whole in your heart stays, but over the years it get’s a small film covering it so I am told.
Be strong, especially for your other children, I try for my eldest who is heartbroken over Sam
Dear Helen
Thank you so much for your reply, it gives me some comfort to know that I am not alone and that others understand my grief. I think it is important to talk to other grieving mothers as I have noticed that my husband does not grieve in quite the same way. Do not get me wrong, my husband is utterly heart broken by the death of our beautiful son, but he went back to work earlier than me and deals with things by being practical and distracting himself but every so often I see the grief overwhelme him to but not so frequently as it does me. I have more trouble functioning and need my personal times of grief everyday or I think I would just fall over.
I talk to my son as well and write him a letter everyday, silly I know as I believe he reads it as. I write it but it is something i have to do.
Life is hard, but I know I will see my boy again and I know he waits for me.
Take care
Love
Janet