Hi its been 5wks and 2days since i lost my gorgeous girl sudenley from a tear n her aorta …i just cant seem to get my head around all this pain im feeling i have 3 other children 12,19 and 30 yrs old i know i have to continue for them but im a mess so much pain from not knowing wats on the other side n if she happy etc xx
Dear Christine,
Every day comes with new emotions - memories of your daughters life will erupt at the strangest of times triggers of family days full of laughter and love and it all so heartbreaking , you will be asking the same questions as all of us why ? why? our family, blaming yourself for not being able to stop it happening its all natural emotions because you loved your daughter so much and its that love that tears you and all of us apart because for once in your life you were unable to protect your child .
I miss my son dreadfully he was 20yrs old and so so perfect its eleven months since the RTA and I have gone through so many different emotions , I also have three other children who are all older than John and they too miss him terribly and every day is a battle and I know they need my support but it is so hard
Today I went to Johns grave it is in such a beautiful spot I am so lucky to have such a amazing little church and normally I find enormous peace there but as I walked up to his little garden I noticed some photos taken this time last year by his friends who also miss him and visit his spot , well of course when I saw them I was in floods of tears but after a while I pulled myself together wiped away the tears and with the power of prayer tried to focus on what a wonderful your man he was.
I expect in the next few weeks in the run up to his anniversary and the years to come I will have many moments like this its love you see and no one can take that away from you and you wouldn’t want them to !
Take care and keep strong .
Best Wishes
ElaineM
Dear Christine, I am so sorry for you loss. It truly is the most terrible thing that can happen - to lose a precious child. Our son, Daniel died just four months ago and the pain just never stops. I do hope you have loved ones around who can support you in these early weeks. You get to know quickly who you can turn to and who are just fair weather friends. Hold tight to the memories of your dear girl and she will send you signs. Wynnex
Hello Christine,
Like you Wynne and everyone on here I lost my son Sam who was 34 in December of last year of a brain tumour. Like Wynne said you soon get to know what friends you can rely on for support. Hold those memories close of your dear daughter. This site has been a lifeline for me to know that there are other people on here who truly understand what we are all going through.
With love Helen
No-one but those who’ve experienced this could ever imagine the true extent of the struggle we have everyday. As Elaine says, it hurts so much because we loved them so much. The “what ifs” eat away at us and there seems to be no answers to our question “why”. After 21months, I think about her much of the time and cry everyday. I try to focus on the wonderful times and her achievements in life. She made us so proud. She was so strong, brave and selfless. We now live a parallel “existence” without her. It’s so odd as everything else continues around us as normal, time doesn’t stand still. It’s still a case of taking it a day at a time and you realise that you do get through that day somehow.
Thinking of everyone. X
Bir29c
Sorry bir29c im still getting used to this site… thanku for your reply i am finding life so hard as all of u understand just miss my girl so much she was truly selfless and my best friend n rock… its so tough dragging myself through the motions each day from the moment i get up i long for bed time where i can sleep n escape the pain. Its almost been 8 wks now n the reality is kicking in …just pray she happy on the otherside wish i could have a sign but not as yet .praying for you and all that are suffering this unbareable pain xxx
Christine I’m so sorry you join us here, I lost my 29 year old son in Dec 2016,he died suddenly and unexpected in car incident.The rawness and shock is overwhelming and it’s naturally to only be able to think of the one we have lost. The thoughts,feelings and emotions send us into turmoil. I think everyday how could Antony be here then gone?. I’ve started see counsellor for cbt therapy, I was told to the minute,hour ,day at a time. I found this hard to do, my thoughts wouldn’t allow it.
Please keep posting.
I go back to work on Monday and I’m dreading it, never thought I’d make 6 months but I have, and you will survive even though it’s feels like you won’t. Again I’m so sorry you’re here but also glad you found us xx
Jjulie i been off work since 6th may n they prompting me to go back i dont feel near ready as i worked at the same hosp as my daughter worked n passed n we used to travel in daily together… im going to a bereaved parents meeting on monday to see if that helps but at the moment im still so deeply in shock n grief cant believe my daughter/best friend who i shared a room with because of my mum moved in who suffering with dementia early stages but kerri n me shared a room n bed n everything has just gone from my life. How do you and i and all of us parents move on from this loss… i feel for you as the shock of getting that call about ur beloved son must have been awful. I was lucky if u can call it that to be with my daughter wen she came over ill n collapsed but wen she was rushed into hosp they said she wasnt stable enough for us to see her n wen we did she looked gone but they said she had arrested and had suffered brain trauma. I still would have done anything to have took her home but thats my selfish thought of having my girl back n ppl say she wouldnt have wanted to exist like that. I like u just dont know how i get through the days from the moment i wake im wishing for bed time …sending love christine xx
I got the knock on the door Christine, the officers told me my son died. God I can still hear them but don’t remember much my actions. Neighbour heard me scream 10.22pm.shout out for antony I don’t recall any of it. Work is being rather unfair to you, and you definetely don’t need that pressure. We will never get over this, how could we?.those ahead say we will learn live along side grief, I struggle with that. Totally understand what you’re saying I said same bout Antony I would have looked after him 24-7 , I know if he had had that choice it isn’t a way he would wanted to live. His motto was living the dream and that’s how he saw life. Futures and ours are lost, I cry for what he will never do again yet his friends can. Some days disbelief then it hits hard. Everyday I ask how can he be gone I just want him back. My grief changed ever so slightly after 5 months, not better but different I isolated myself for 5 months, showering general hygiene wasn’t great but didn’t care. I don’t know how we do this I really don’t, I see my sons ashes everyday and some days just pure disbelief. Think going to group meeting may help you feel less alone, everyone there ‘gets it’. I went to one meeting but wasn’t for me, don’t know why though. Please keep posting anything you say everyone will understand. Xx
Julie
Hi Christine and everyone else, I understand how raw it still feels for you. It’s all so unbelievable. You hear of these things happening to people, but not to you. It’s difficult to accept that life carries on around you, but it does. Each day dawns and fades, that is not going to change. I know my daughter would hate it if she thought that we were sad. She wouldn’t want us to be but I still struggle to be “kind to myself” as some friends say I should allow myself to be. We look after our Grandchildren each day and that gives us joy and a reason to carry on. Our life is so very different, and it’s difficult to adjust. Its been forced on us.
It must be so difficult to think of returning to work, I can’t advise as I am retired. I would have struggled to return.
So sorry for everyone who has lost someone. My daughter committed suicide on 25th may, I just cry all day every day. I didn’t get to say goodbye, as she used strain to go there wasn’t much left. My partner (not my daughters father) just keeps saying ‘you need to get back in the saddle and move on’ he has no comprehension of what I am feeling. He keeps telling me I have two other children that need me , one is 16 and the other is 5. He doesn’t understand that I just can’t be there for them, as much as I want to, it’s just too painful. I don’t know how you have all survived so long…the pain isn’t just too immense. Most of the time I wished I had died with her, then we would still be together. She always cheers me up and gave me a cuddle just when I needed one. Now I have nothing.
Hello Dee, I’m sorry that you are feeling so distressed. As you will have read on many posts, only people who this has happened to can truly understand the pain and trauma loosing a child (whatever age). There is no right or wrong way to feel and no time limit. It’s a different life now, one without our loved ones. It’s very difficult. I would describe it as an existence. It helps to have people who love you around, even though we have to do things for them, giving us some purpose and support to get through each day. A day at a time.
Thinking of you.
Hi everyone.
My beautiful 24 year old son was killed in a accident in Germany on 4 May whilst on a works trip. It took is 2 weeks just to get him back in the country and was nearly 7 weeks till we were allowed to go ahead with his fueral, the past 3 months has been a living hell. I too have other children but there have been point that is I could of laid down and left this world to be with him I would have done. You are right when you say that unless you have lost a child yourself, you can never really understand the pain and grief.
Best wishes to you all
Janet
Hello Jan and everyone,
I hope this online community can help you share your feelings. The feelings we all understand, no wrong or right way, just coping one day at a time, even getting through the next hour. The shock, pain, confusion, anger, guilt are normal.
Thinking of you. X
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Hi everyone ,
So sorry that you find yourselves here Dee and Jan, sadly we all know the feelings thoughts and emotions. Antony died in Dec sudden unexpected death car incident he died on the scene, 4 weeks today he should be turning 30. Lately all I think of is where is he? Where has he gone? How could he be here talking to me then gone…
I’ve joined alot of bereavement forums , facebook groups for bereaved parents. Always someone who ‘gets it’ gets this life.
My daughter is what keeps me here and that those ahead say this rawness will ease.
Hope you both find comfort here and I know you will have support.
Wish none of us had to be here - life I don’t live just plod along. Xx
Hi everyone.
Today has been tough, for some reason Sundays are such a hard, hard day, think it is because Sunday evenings was when we would all be together as a family and now our family is incomplete without My son. Just crying all the time, how can someone be here on day and gone forever the next? To be honest I am just dreading the rest of my life. How can I ever celebrate Christmas or birthdays or anything again without my son here to celebrate with me. I know that my youngest child will want too do all these things, but it all seems pointless to me at the moment.
How are the rest of you going to tackle celebrations? Sometimes it is so hard just to function let alone think ahead. I want to go away at Christmas and hide but my husband is not too sure about that as we normally spend time with his family but I already know that I will not want to see anyone.
All the things that you never gave a second thought to have now become major issues bringing on more stress and distress, why is everything so difficult all the time, I find life so exhausting, no hope at the moment, stop the world, I want to get off.
Jan, Yes, it’s difficult to discribe how difficult life has become and we wonder how we will get through. We have had to face 2 birthdays and 2 Christmases. I found the lead up very hard, didn’t want to face it all. There are other family birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations which have the same dread. It’s hard to plan but I just had basic ideas then just let things happen around us. It’s going to take place no matter what. Somehow the day passed. It’s a different world now, a world we didn’t want but one we have to try to adjust to. Nothing will ever be the same again.
X
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Hello everyone here,
I have just been sitting in my son’s room. He died of cancer last November aged 36. His room is just how he left it and I feel very close to him there, I can feel him moving around, his voice. It is a place of peace and serenity.
But tears still pour down my face.
When he knew his condition would be terminal, he said ’ will I die a long lingering death ? ’ but then he turned with his bright cheeky smile and said ’ no, I shall live life to the full ’ and that’s what he did, often helping others who were in despair.
I am so proud of him. I know he would want me to do the same, but I find it so hard - I cannot explain how he had cancer in the prime of his life, and so much to offer - why was n’t it me, 30 years older ? I wish I could find some rationale or purpose to it all.
Jan, I agree celebrations are so hard. On Chris ’ s birthday, in February, I scattered some of his ashes amongst the snowdrops, I bought a little tree, and scattered some of his ashes beside that. I bought him a present and card. I try to do my best for my daughter and grand children, but the thought of Christmas leaves me cold, I cannot think of it.
Wishing you all love and peace
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Thank you everyone for your kind words.Anneka, your son sounds like an amazing young man, no wonder you are so proud of him. I think we grieve what could of been as well as what we had. My son was In a 4 year relationship and theuy were planning their future together, so not only is it our grief but his girlsfriend grief for what she can no longer have.
I talk to mu son a lot, I ask him why he left me but mainly I tell him to be happy and to wait for me. I know I will see him again but I would give all i am to change places with him and I do not think that will ever change, I, like most parents, wished it was me that died and not him, I begged and pleaded, yet here I am.
Take care everyone
Janet