On 15th November I very suddenly and unexpectedly lost my partner of 19years as a result of a heart attack / cardiac arrest. He was 47, and we had the rest of our lives to look forward to.
I am only 41, and it has been a devastating blow, and I am physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted and it hasn’t even been two weeks yet.
The day he very sadly went, was any normal day with no warning signs. He went for a shower and came out saying he didn’t feel quite right. An ambulance was called but we were advised an hour plus wait. A neighbour came over and decided to take us to the doctors, but no sooner had we arrived, he went straight into cardiac arrest and died a short while later whilst I held him.
My world literally changed within the space of less than an hour.
I can’t sleep properly; eating very little. The network around me has been overwhelming but it’s also not allowing me chance to take “time out” to process anything. I still feel like I’m living in a strange bubble believing everything is OK. When I ask for space I feel very alone and overcome with emotion.
I wake every morning with feelings of guilt and anxiety. I then start crying, then pretend I’m OK when I’m really not.
We were literally together 24/7 aside from work, and now I have nothing inside me to give. Just a blank empty void.
Firstly I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my partner who was 42 in October it’s been 7 weeks for me and I understand all the emotions you feel. Please remember it’s okay to say you need space and time to try and reflect and come to terms with initially the shock and then the grief. I am 40 and the thought of the rest of my life without my soul mate and best friend terrifies me and I don’t know how I’ll get through it all. But somehow we must, I have found so much support and friendship through this site so keep posting and inbox anytime I’m more than happy to listen and help where I can. Sending love and hugs x
Foreveryoung81 thank you for your kindness, which I very much appreciate and value. Likewise, I also extend my deepest sympathies and condolences to you for the loss of your partner, especially at such a young age.
I fully agree with everything you say, however am comforted by the support and friendship you have received since reaching out on this platform.
My doctor advised bereavement counselling, however unless I’m willing to go private, charity based options have such long waiting lists, which doesn’t help support the here and now, so reached out on here in the hope I could engage with people grieving in similar ways, whilst joining a community that can all support one another experiencing the same emotions and feelings.
It’s lovely having such a supportive network around me, and I am very grateful for that. The first 10 days have been so full on more or less 24/7, today has truly been the first day that I’ve had the time alone to really gather my thoughts and it’s shown me how truly vulnerable I am and the gravity of the pain I’m experiencing. The network protects you from really feeling those emotions as your constantly bouncing from person to person, but as soon as you take that step back, that overwhelming fear of being alone and the unknown moving forwards is gut wrenching.
He literally was my best friend and soul mate as well, and being together for 19 years and only being 41, has been thee constant my entire adult life more or less.
I can’t bring myself to turn the TV on, I can’t bring myself to face Christmas, and I’m petrified about saying a final goodbye to him next Friday (8th) at his funeral. 2 weeks ago we were making plans on how to spend Christmas with family and getting a Christmas list together, now I’m preparing to cremate him such a cruel world.
It is a cruel world, and I am honestly not too far in-front of you so can’t offer massive amounts of advice. However what I can say is that you really do have to take it hour by hour initially and try not to think too far ahead because the fear that create is terrifying. I have somehow managed to go back to work full time and have even raised a smile now and then, but I wake every morning wishing I hadn’t with that punch in the stomach knowing he’s not here. It still feels like I am waiting for him to walk back through the door and I still hear his voice doing so. But talking, saying no to things I know will be too much and surrounding myself with those who truly help me not those who you are expected to have has helped. Christmas is weighing to heavy on me and o wish I could sleep through it all (not that I sleep much) but I can’t have 2 teens and have to somehow get through it. I’m trying to honour Lee’s memory any way I can, meet with his friends, spend time with his family and talk about his and to him all the time. I know this isn’t a quick fix that this pain and longing will remain for the rest of my days but I also know inch by inch I’ll have better days and I’ll smile more than cry one day and you too will be the same. In the mean time we are here to support one another. No question is silly someone will have thought it, someone will have or will be feeling the same as you x
Wow, how ironic your partner was called Lee. Mine was called Lee as well.
Yeap, get that gut punch in the mornings too, mad. It’s great you have your children as an added focus aswell despite the fact you want to hide yourself away until the new year. They must be such an added lifeline for you to help you through each day.
We have a doggy, who has just turned 2, so is an added source of comfort to me, but he is equally as confused. Lee was also the one that kept Adie in line, he always walked all over me, so he’s being a little mischievous now as he knows he can get away with it. Harmless though, and I keep saying “if your dad was here he’d be going….”
I’m currently in his clothes, laying in his side of the bed, which feels so empty. At night I feel OK whatever OK is, despite the lack of sleep and my brain in overdrive but once I do drift and wake up the nightmare starts again and the tears come as I make my first morning coffee alone when I should be making two!
Great your back at work, again must in strange ways help, albeit I’m dreading my return. Currently signed off by the doctor until 1st January to get through the funeral and then Christmas straight after. They have been very supportive which is great and again am fortunate as been in same job for 22 years, so I was very much in a routine of work, home to lee etc. A routine forever broken.
Your words have been very inspiring thank you, and I look forward to continuing a journey together with those that really understand one another’s feelings and emotions, helping each other heal.
Helo @Mpcarp, when I read your post this morning, I couldn’t believe the similarities, your words echo almost exactly what I wrote in my first post. I can relate totally to the shock you’re going through. The bubble is a perfect description. I lost my fit and healthy 57 yr-old husband suddenly the same way, heart attack, a normal day, then suddenly what seemed just like indigestion, upset stomach, an hour later he was gone. The suddenness is so overwhelming, it seems impossible to believe, you feel you’ve been tossed into another dimension, detached from reality. It will take time, and sharing with others who have gone through the same situation will help you, offering you support and understanding.
Sending you strength.
I think the routines are the hardest to get to grips with, for me it’s the working day without the constant check in’s and making plans for the evenings and weekends. So I try and keep the communication open with friends and family to fill that void and make plans with them that I know I will be able to manage and if on the day I can’t manage them I’m honest and don’t do it. I am lucky to have amazing family and friends, but when it’s that one person who you messaged, ran to or shared good and bad with and those are the ones gone it’s so hard not to message them. Although I still do message Lee when I feel the need, with tears streaming but it helps.
Glad you have a woofer that must be nice, and yes the girls have been amazing although obviously have their own grief too and I have the fear soon enough they will fly the nest for their own lives as it should be but not a thought I want to dwell on.
It’s Monday again and I hate the start of every new week, but it’s a week my handsome man never got so I should be grateful and do this life for him xx I slept in a T-shirt that smelt of him last night and waking and smelling him was such a comfort
I know exactly how you feel, But that’s not strictly true. We are all slightly different in grief. I lost my best friend and soulmate 3rd October. She had fought lung cancer and been given the all clear in May, only to be diagnosed with brain cancer in September. She was my world and im lost without her in it. X
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on 11th November. We had been married 33 years and were together every day bar one when I went into work. I can’t think of Chrismas either and am too trying to process what has happened. It’s too overwhelming. I found some comfort going to see him at the undertakers and am going to see him serveral times before his funeral.
Try to take one day at a time and if you want to see people fine but take some time for yourself too, they will understand xx
@Foreveryoung81 You are being so positive, I’m sure Lee would be very proud of everything you are doing to try and deal with the pain in the best way possible.
Likewise we would check in with each several times throughout the day via text or phone when we were both at work, so that will be something that will hit me hard when I first go back. It was always a standard message to say “got to work fine, catch up with you later” before a call to check in half way through the day, and then a message or call to say I was on my way home again at the end of the day.
Had the celebrant here today to discuss the service which was very hard. I cannot picture how I will get through the day of his service, which is next Friday. An emotional afternoon overall. I know though I will enter my “everything is normal bubble soon enough” as the evening draws in and will start doing silly things around the house, before I catch my breath before bed and it all hits me again.
Luckily tomorrow I have people coming and going throughout the day, which will focus my mind.
I wish I could smell him, he did a full blown clothes wash the afternoon before he passed and feel like I have nothing that smells of him. I’m probably over trying but gutted he did that wash looking back.
@Lesleyann1968 im very sorry to hear of your loss. To experience and support her in the first instance and come away celebrating they had the all clear to be given that diagnosis again must have been devastating and extremely difficult to process. Loosing a best friend is just as hard to process and whilst as you say grief is different for all, we are in the same boat and how we process that and move forward. Right now I can’t think of, nor can picture myself moving forward with my best friend and soul mate. X
@MrsSutty thank you and very sorry to hear of your own sad loss and grief and echo everything you have said.
As his death was so sudden and unexpected it is only today that he has been moved to the undertakers in which I will finally get to see him sometime this week hopefully. Likewise I do plan to go several times if i can, and very much want to see him one final time next Thursday evening before the funeral on the Friday.
It’s lovely having people and a network that wants to help you so much, and it’s been overwhelming. I did need some time at the weekend to be alone to process my own thoughts, but yet whilst I needed to be alone, found it a very lonely and upsetting weekend.
That’s totally understandable. I’ve had my son with me since my husband’s death and he has been amazing but tomorrow will be my first time alone. I feel like you in that i need that time but scared it will it be too lonely.
The undertakers have told me I can go see him as many times as I wish so hopefully you will be able to do the same and get some comfort from the visits. My second visit is tomorrow.
I know it’s hard but try to look after yourself too and keep talking xx
Thank you, I keep thinking I hope he is proud but also hope he knows how much I miss him dearly. I’ve always been a doer and stopping only makes me think and then thinking makes me cry so I have to keep going in some shape or form. My friends worry I will burn out but it’s my way I suppose of trying to live with this awful pain, had a little wobble today taking some of his things to a charity shop I’d love to keep them all but not practical we didn’t live together so 2 houses into one isn’t doable although I have kept so much because it was his life and I want as much of that around me as possible x sorry you don’t have anything to hand what about his aftershave? Xx
@Foreveryoung81 you sound incredible given the circumstances, and you sound like you are really being proactive and positive in dealing with your grief. Even if it is just an act on the outside you should feel incredibly proud of how your coping, and I have no doubt your partner will be looking down smiling, with equal, if not more proudness.
Understandable you have a wobble still, naturally things are still raw. I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied this evening so been a bit of cleaning blitz around the house, now I’ve sat down and paused for a moment, the gut wrench anxious feeling and the flashbacks of that evening and whatever else I try to put to the back of mind. I’ve come flooding back to the forefront.
Yes, he loved his aftershave so have been spraying that daily. I still have the towel he used after he stepped out the shower before everything changed, which I currently keep in bed with me at night, and long to see him in my dreams when I do manage to nod off for an hour or two, but still waiting for him to appear.
Keep staying strong, like I say, your sound so inspiring and courageous
@MrsSutty im glad the visits to the funeral home are working well for you.
Lee was transferred from the hospital to the funeral home late this afternoon so the hope is I will be able to see him before the end of the week. Providing I cope with that well (whatever you call well in this time of sadness and grief) I will do so again next week before his funeral on the Friday.
I have been fortunate to be surrounded by people during the daytime today but kept myself busy and active this evening going on a bit of spring clean. Not I’m done and sat down my mind is racing again with thoughts.
I very much hope all goes well tomorrow with your solo visit. I hope it brings you great comfort.
I am so sorry for your loss. I share your pain I too lost my husband so suddenly to heart attack. He went to work that morning and never came home again.
We too were so close, inseparable except when we’re both at work.
It’s been nearly 7 months now - I am still struggling to sleep each night, thinking about him, us 24/7 wishing what I could have done to save him.
Sending you hugs & strength & praying it will get better someday for everyone.
@Mpcarp I am so sorry for your loss. Our stories are very similar. I too was married 19 years and lost my 48 year old husband to heart attack 3 months back. He went biking and on his way back collapsed. I got a call from his friend who was with him, that he was no more. There were no warning signs whatsoever. I am completely devastated… and feel so so guilty too. I completely relate to what you feel. Take your own time to grieve… lots of love to you.
@Angel1309 Same here… I am constantly playing in my head what all I could have done to save him… and I sink with those feelings. I know nothign can bring him back… but the guilt is real
@Angel1309 thank you - and likewise we were inseparable outside of work, which makes this so very painful. The funeral was Friday which was such a surreal day, hard to explain but even now nothing has really sunk in, and it still does not feel real. I am still waiting for him to walk through the door.
I am so sorry as well of your loss, and nothing worse is there when your world literally changes at the click of a finger, as it did for us both, by the sounds of it. I don’t know how you have survived 7 months so far, when 4 weeks already feels like a lifetime, despite the feeling time has passed so quickly. x
such a cruel world.