Lost my partners Dad back in October (we are not yet married) it was one of those deaths that you just don’t see coming. One moment he was complaining of stomach ache so doc suggested go to a&e to investigate (this was ongoing stomach pain for couple months) 10 days later he was gone! 
We all lived together for the past 3 yrs myself, my partner, his dad and my partners daughter. I grew very close with FIL and when he died I literally felt like I had lost my dad.
I get days when I’m ok but they aren’t often most days I find myself angry, angry at the doctors, the hospital, his gp, the coroner, the post-mortem, my self some days angry at the whole world!! He was 76 and was supposed to be finally enjoying his retirement after many years of looking after his wife who died 3 yrs ago. Lockdown was a blessing as we got to all spend so much time together but also it robbed him of adventures.
I’m not really sure what I’m here for maybe just that feeling of knowing someone’s out there who feels the same as me.
I feel like I just need to be locked in a room and take out all my verbal anger on someone I want to scream and shout how unfair it is. My friends and partner all tell me to use them but I know they will offer advice and opinions which I don’t want all I want is someone to say…… I understand your anger and pain that’s it.
My partner has enough on his plate as being only child he is having to deal with everything by himself of course I can support but I can’t make phone calls etc because I’m not legally family. Which is a joke as I’m pretty sure in the last 3 us FIL told me more of his problems he ever did my partner not that I minded as it made me feel accepted and like his daughter.
A couple of days after he passed we found a stash of Christmas cards he has bought one of them was To my son and daughter-in-law well you can imagine the sadness that bought.
Iv recently started dreaming (at least 3 nights now) that it’s not true and he has walked in the door and complained that we have deleted his programmes off the tv. I can’t stand to look at recent photos of him as I just miss him so much literally he was like my sparring partner who made me a cuppa when I got in from work.
My partner says he is doing ok and I have no reason to doubt him but course this makes me feel guilty hurt and angry at myself that I am so upset by it after all it wasn’t my Dad but his.
Sorry for going on a bit.
I’m actually debating buying a journal of sorts and writing stuff down thoughts feelings etc just to get them out of my head as I’m sure a lot of it is making me unwell.
Thanks for reading.