Hi,
My 20 year old son had Cystic Fibrosis, type 1 diabetes, epilepsy, and had a double lung transplant before he was 15 years old. He jokingly named himself 9 Lives due to how often life became close to death.
In April, he suddenly got swollen on his ankles, and I took him to the GP after calling the transplant team. Within 16 hours he was put into an induced coma. Due to covid we couldn’t visit him, which was heart breaking as I’d always stayed during hospital admittences when he was a child, I received a call to come to hospital as my son was in organ failure. We saw him for a few moments.
I was told my son may not survive the journey, however he was transfered to a hospital 2 hours away when he was stable enough to move.
I received a call on 9th April to say he was in organ failure and to come to hospital immediately, by the time I arrived, the surgeon had decided to try one last attempt as saving my son, where they discovered his heart valve had disintegrated due to a rare infection.
Despite the odds, my brave boy survived surgery and although it was a hard recovery, He managed to get home again.
He had 2 blood clots, a bionic heart valve and a long journey ahead, yet once home he regained weight and was feeling stronger by the day. He received the AZ covid vaccine on 7th May, as it was deemed safe enough for him. Suddenly on 10th May, the day before my birthday, my son and I were having breakfast when all he said was ‘Mam my heart’ and in a blink of an eye he died.
I shouted of my daughter, rang 999, started CPR and carried that on for 40 mins until the emergency services arrived. Nothing was found at postmortem so I still do not know why my son is gone - I blame the covid vacc because at present I have no other idea as to why my boy is gone.
I’ve reported his death as a covid yellow card and this is being looked into.
I am lost, after years of being a Mam nurse/carer I feel utterly redundant, heartbroken, devastated. I cannot believe this is real and I dont know how I will get through this.
I’ve read posts here for a while now and found much comfort from them, however the chest pain I wake with daily isn’t easing, the pain of grief is getting worse and life feels silent now he’s gone.
I need someone to tell me this despair is normal and that I’m not going mad!
Much love to you all and thanks to anyone who takes time to reply
Px
Hi @Kjat,
I am so truly sorry for your loss. What a terrible time you’ve had and the not knowing cause of death must be awful. Gosh your son was a true fighter. It sounds like he battled a great deal in his all too short a life.
I don’t know about losing a child but I do know about grief, so I can tell you that you are not going mad, that the despair and agony you are experiencing is normal as far as grief is concerned. Don’t fight it, go with it - it’s the only way with grief.
It’s been just over 4 years since my husband passed and like you, I read posts on here for a while before actually posting myself. I have found such comfort and support from this forum so please keep reading and posting; I’ve always found writing things down very beneficial. Have you tried writing to your son? I keep a journal in which I write to my husband, telling him all kinds of stuff - it’s just chatter really but it helps. I don’t write every day; sometimes it’s just once a week now but then it can be 2, 3, 4 times a week, it’s whenever I feel the need or I have something to tell him. I think we develop our own coping strategies. Reading books about grief and poetry has also given me solace. Just to know we are not alone in our grief can be a great comfort.
Sending you love and strength. xx
Thank you so much for your reply, it means so much to that you have take the time to listen and reply to me.
I text my son, I find it helps me when I’m desperate to chat to him. We went on holiday this month and I found that very difficult, we missed his chatter and laughter so much. The car journey was silent without his banter, the holiday was the same. Each night we were in bed by 10pm, as the entertainment was always my son.
I hate life without him, that is the truth of it x
Much love and light to you x
Dear Kjat
I’ve just read your post. I’m so desperately sorry 
your words are so powerful 
When I lost my son in October 2019 I experienced very physical chest pain…especially heart pain. It literally was a broken heart- I so understand how awful that feeling is.
I think a lot of it could be shock induced.
Yes the despair is normal, panic attacks are normal but they say anything in grief is normal as it affects people in different ways.
The parents on this site are truly amazing in supporting each other….they have been a lifesaver to me.
Keep posting and take each hour at a time. I personally benefited from meditation- it calmed me down when I thought I might die of pain myself.
You sound like an amazing mother….you are still amazing.
Sending love and hugs to you
Purple x
I’m so very sorry, I really don’t know what to say to ease your pain but I wanted to send you a hug. I lost my darling son to suicide a few months ago and the pain is horrific.
Elaine
xx
Thank you for your replies. Purple, call it divine intervention or coincidence but I’d been listening to Om shanti by Edo and Jo in the months leading up to my Sons death and have continued to do so. My son loved the meditation so when he was placed in his coffin, I played this as we placed him in. I find it of great comfort, it helps me feel at peace with the process of him being but to bed, so to speak.
I fully sympathise with that feeling of it killing you, I still feel like that daily. If it wasn’t for my daughters I dont think I’d be able to carry on
I’m finding this community so supportive and finding others who feel like this makes me feel normal, and not alone in this suffering. Thank you for being here 
Much love to you x