Just joined today and have been reading through some of the threads on loosing a parent. It is helpful to read of others experiences as it dorsnt make you feel so alone. My mum died just under 3 months ago. She wasnt poorly in fact she was fit and well. She just died at home on her own and myself and my brother found her. Its so traumatic, and the shock has been horrific. I find myself feeling envious of people who lost their loved ones after an illness and knowing it was coming. And i know thats not logical as im sure its equally traumatic but just in different ways. I feel anxious since the time we found her and its not really getting better. On top of that as she lived alone i still have to deal with clearing her house. If anyone would like to share their experiences i think i would find it beneficial at this time as nobody i know can relate to this situation apart from myself and my family
Hello @Loubeelou ,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling anxious and shocked. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hi @Loubeelou
Sorry for your loss. I too lost my mum suddenly in October 22. I found her in her bedroom at our house. I still get some flashbacks, but slowly they will become less frequent.
I can empathise with you because although mum was getting frailer in the last year or so and had heart failure, I never dreamed she would go so suddenly. I still feel bereft of not having been able to prepare myself and I feel that I was robbed of being able to spend quality time with mum, it’s brutal not having been able to said goodbye. We had a very close relationship and it’s so ironic that at the end of her life I couldn’t be there for her, even though she was living with us.
I try to think of the positives, that hopefully she didn’t suffer, she had her dignity, she was where she wanted to be and it was very very quick, but sudden death is so very traumatic for those left behind.
This forum has been a lifeline.
Sending you love and strength.
Kate xx
Thank you Kate, and im so sorry for your loss. Its nice to hear from someone who can understand the trauma involved. My mum lived alone and her biggestvfear was dying on her own, i believe it was very quick but i still feel so sad that she was on her own, and the hardest bit is i cant do amything to change that and just have to accept it. Its so bloody hard
I have had similar experience, my mom passed away oct 2023 due to sudden cardiac arrest, she was fine and well, talking and laughing. Don’t know what happened to her at 2 in the night. I was sleeping and I heard my dad shouting, we rush and within mins she was cold and couldn’t even lift her off the floor
She was just 56 and she just disappeared. We are still in shock and its difficult to deal. Some night the flashbacks trouble you so bad. and just like @Kate111 said this forum has been a lifeline, I was really helped by a couple of moms, and when ever you want to chat @Loubeelou you can reach on dm also. Always here to help people and listen to them.
Take care
Thank you for the messages i really appreciate it
Varun I feel this, had a helpful comment from loubeelou as i keep getting flashbacks and I wasn’t even there. It’s prob best i didn’t as you say but did not get to say goodbye at all, i thought i would in the funeral home but was too late by the time post mortem was done I got scared.
It’s been 5 weeks and I am struggling with flashbacks and so much pain. Most of my friends have not lost a parent yet, so they don’t seem to understand.
Big hug to you guys
Sorry for your losses. Your mum was so young that’s so tragic.
I’m a year and a half into this journey and I can tell you that it will slowly get easier, the flashbacks too.
We have to take heart from the fact that their passing was quick, even though it’s brutal that we couldn’t say goodbye. I wrote mum a letter with all I wanted to say and put it in the coffin and a red rose in her hand.
I had some therapy during the first few months and my therapist said letter writing is a good idea, but also to write mum’s reply back to me… what she would have wanted to say to me too had she known. I found that very helpful.
Kate xxx
I too have been having counselling, and i do feel it is helping. Ive had so much anxiety since it happened and people say just make sure you are dealing with it. That really doesnt help! How do you know if you are dealing with it? Ive tried not to feel guilty as i know that there was nothing i could have done to change the outcome, but i still think the shock is the hardest part. It helps to know other people can understand what it is like to loose a parent so suddenly. Thank you for sharing x
@Sophie8 I can just relate to everything and you know even if there were people around me and my friends no one seem to actually understand the shock, not even my father, my grandmom is still alive. Sudden deaths gives you shock that stays but as katie say it should get better with time.
Take care and please reach out on dm anytime you feel low or want to talk
@Kate111 thanks for reassuring things get better with time.
I took therapy and did some letter writing but coz I am young and this shock left me to have breakdown which even my therapist was scared of and told me to see a psychiatrist and I refused. I haven’t tried to write mum’s reply but she was angry with me before that and I know I really hurt her. I was very disappointed with my career and wasn’t talking to her, but I didn’t know she will just disappear
@Loubeelou, something I have realized is that if you are doing your routine, engaging in activities and meeting people you are dealing with it, something that is helping me is Yoga and meditation, I am going for a silent meditation for 10 days next month, try to meet my friend every week.
Thank you and yes it stays with you a while, hopefully we can just put one foot ahead of the other each day and make them proud. I hope you focus on her love for you and not dissapointments, it’s the love and good things that will remain, everything else ebbs away in time. Hope your retreat goes ok and yoga sounds good thank you for the idea. Somatic yoga is meant to be especially good for shock
10 days mediation is hard core, well done though as im sure the benefits will be immense. Thats horrible that your mum died before you had chance to make amends
Thanks Sophie, I will stay in touch if you are comfortable, you’ve been so helpful, thankyou and hope you are also doing okay in life, never asked you what you are experiencing?
@Varun thanks, yes that is fine. Mum passed 5 weeks ago very suddenly in her care home room, cardiac arrest one morning.
She was still independent and at least we take comfort from the fact that alzheimers had not fully taken over, we still met for coffee, she came to my home for roast dinners, knew all our names and we went shopping etc. But she had started to find things hard as was losing her sight, very hard as she adored reading and I was making her kindle font larger, but I new it would change more soon. She was getting very puffy and tired walking, so the independence was about to stop.
She had started asking in the last few months if I could arrange a funeral so it was all planned, was worried she would not make her 80th birthday as my nan had died after she turned 80.
I guess the universe was sending her signals.
We discussed a few things she would like for her funeral on the Friday, when we sat in my garden with my oldest brother, a chat like any other. Then Sunday morning she passed away. I feel so bad she was alone, I thought we would have the long goodbye with alzheimers, had never prepared myself for sudden death like this. I know though it was what she would have preferred, she was a proud lady, and at the end of the day it could have happened on the bus, or crossing the street. So for that in my more rational moments I am grateful.
I am sorry to hear about your mom, I am sure she was so proud of you taking responsibility. It happened 5 weeks ago so i can understand how difficult it is for you now, I hope you are around your family and friends. You seem like a very strong lady and your mom raised you that way. Take care sophie and please feel free to reach out anytime you feel low, I may be very young but sometimes just talking helps.
Hi. I can relate to your situation. My lovely mum passed away February 5th 2023. I had a call the previous night from her neighbour to say she’d fallen out of bed and been taken to hospital to be checked over. I planned to go and see her the next day but never got that chance. The next call I had was 9am in the morning to say she’d gone. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. The stress has made me so ill-just thinking of her on her own. Luckily, she was very good at expressing what she’d like for her final journey and my brother and I fulfilled all her wishes. There is not a day when I don’t think about her. I found that hard at first but now, I appreciate the fact I can still remember her voice, her laugh and her quirky little ways. Sometimes, if I see a bright star in the sky, I say “Hello mum”. She was the brightest star and always will be.
@Monkey1 its so hard isnt it. Its bad enough to have to adjust to them not being there, but on top of that when its sudden and unexpected its such a shock and i have found the shock seems to be my main emotion, grief is hiding behind it. I miss her every day
Hi, I just found this website today! I’m so sorry for your loss 
I lost my mum nearly two weeks ago just like your mum she died unexpectedly!! In bed a friend at work was told she did not go in but also didn’t call in sick so knew something was wrong. Reading your post makes me feel a little better, not that I would wish any one especially my mum to be ill but alls I keep thinking is surely it would be so much easier if she was… if we had of know something might happen to her, she was fit and well before so I was in shock for a while not believing she was gone like it was all a dream. And the sad part we are still waiting to find out why it happened.