Suddenly losing my dad, is it real?

Losing a parent
1

I lost my dad about 2 months ago. I loved and still do love him so much that words couldn’t even describe.
His death was very sudden. It came out of the blue and just like that he was gone. He died at a very young age.

The thing is, sometimes i still just can’t put my head around it. I simply don’t believe it.
It’s only been 2 months but it feels like it’s been years.
On the other hand it seems like it didn’t even happen.
Then reality hits me and it seriously makes my heart ache. It slams me back to rock bottom.
I panic and lose my breath the moment i realize that he has actually died. I never experienced losing someone i love so much.
I cry every time someone even mentions his name.
The same moment while being sad i also don’t believe it. I don’t want to accept it. How is any of this even real?

It’s hard to explain and it’s a very weird feeling because i just don’t know what it is that i feel or how i feel?
Am i still in denial? what can one even call this?

He was having health struggles that he kept to himself, and i regret not being there. I regret it so deeply. Deep down i know it’s not my fault, i couldn’t do anything to prevent it. Even when i was little he always used to joke and say that he only had little time to live, guess he wasn’t joking… I’d joke back saying i’d die sooner than him. Always ended up get yelled at for saying that.
To me he honestly seemed immortal. I genuinely thought he’d live longer than me.
My parents had been separated for about 8ish years, he lived abroad but we saw him on every break, every vacation. He facetimed us everyday so i never even felt the distance.
I’m still waiting for him to call me every day.
I always knew he was there. I always knew i had a father that had my back no matter what.
Now what? He’s not here.

He won’t be here to see me graduate, get my degree.
He won’t be here during many more important moments to come. I don’t even want to imagine getting married or having kids. He just won’t be here.

I just wish to hear his voice one more time in real life.
I want to hug him tightly and tell him i love him.
The last time i told him that he was unconscious in the ICU. I wonder if he heard it or if he felt my presence there.

I would do anything to have even a few seconds of time to hug him once more. Just once. I just want to say a proper goodbye atleast.

I don’t believe it, it’s like he’s on vacation and since we’ve lived apart it especially feels like it. As if he’s on a very long vacation and has no internet connection.
Deep down i know, he’s gone.I saw his body after all. But i don’t want to accept it.

I miss him so deeply man.
I miss him so much.
Life is fucked up. We live just to die.
I don’t know how to deal with any of this.

Sorry i just had to let it out man. It’s hard for me to talk about this to friends and family and i also don’t want to burden anyone with my problems.
So If anyone read this till the end, i sincerely thank and appreciate you…

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Hey @alpella I’m sorry you’re going through this at such a young age, but you write so movingly and I can really relate to everything you say. I lost my dad 4 months ago and although the initial shock and raw agony has faded, the sadness and grief is still the same. Like you, I struggle to process that it’s happened to my dad. I’ve experienced the loss of relatives and friends before, but I always accepted it as part of life… everyone has to die. But something in me just won’t accept this. I look at photos of him last year and think “how can you be gone? how is this possible?” It’s the hardest, most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, and also the most bewildering, because logic just seems to go out the window. We need our dads, our rocks in life, no matter what age we are, and it doesn’t make any sense that they’ve just gone.
The only advice I can give is just get through it hour by hour, don’t look too far ahead, and do whatever feels right for you - there are no rules in grief. Let the tears flow when you feel them. And try not to beat yourself up about not doing enough - guilt is a huge part of grief, but it’s never rational. All that matters is you loved him and he knew it.
Take care of yourself. Always here if you need to chat or just vent. Jack x

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hi @Jack3
thank you for your responding…
I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is probably one of the hardest experiences someone can go through. No matter our age.
Thank you for your relatable words, it means a lot to me to know that i’m not alone in this.
I sincerely appreciate your advice and want you to know that I took it to heart, i’ll try my best.
Vice versa I’m also here if you need to let things off your chest…
May our loved ones rest in peace
Best wishes xxx

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I lost my husband suddenly at Christmas. He was 53 and was my soulmate. Should of had another 25/30 years together. The pain is unbearable. My son is 22 and really struggling with out his dad as they were best friends as well. My son was with his dad when he died and couldn’t do much as so sudden. My son said that his dad is going to miss his milestones in life and will never be proud of him. I reassure him but our grieving is so different as I am grieving my husband and he is grieving his dad. My son went out last night and got very drunk and had a break down. So heartbreaking. Life is so unfair and cruel. Don’t look into the future. One hour at a time big hugs xx

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Hi @alpella,
You are not alone in this at all. I too have just lost my father at a young age. My dad died from colon cancer last week and I am only 22. I am struggling to grasp whether or not it is even real. He died very suddenly and without warning. He was only diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 2 months ago, but before that, we had no idea he even had cancer at all. It is strange to look at photos even just from christmas because even though that was only 5 months ago, he was a healthy man sat laughing, eating full meals, and able to walk and talk. However, during the two months before he died, he was a completely different person. He was bed-bound, could barely eat, was so tired that he was out of it most days, and it felt like he had just given up.

I relate to everything you wrote. In my head I know he is gone, but until I physically go into his bedroom and see him not there, I cannot believe it. My emotions fluctuate all the time. Some days feel so normal and like nothing has even happened, but some days feel like a brick has been thrown at me and I feel so depressed and upset. The worst part is that I know it will only get harder. The first week has just felt so surreal that I have barely cried. But when I start to try live my life again, that is when it hits hardest because I have the sudden realisation that he isn’t here and won’t be here to see all of my achievements, nor see my future family.

Some days I just walk around the house so empty. I find myself walking aimlessly and without purpose, and I still see his stuff throughout the house and it reminds me of him and brings all the sadness flooding back.

Like you, I also feel guilt. I was at uni for the last 3 years of his life and away from home, so I regret not making more of an effort to talk to him. Also, in the 2 months before he died, he asked for my help in terms of diet and spiritual healing. I studied biomedical sciences and cancer at university. I spent weeks analysing studies and finding the best diet for him in the hopes I could make him better. But unfortunately, nothing I did worked. I feel guilty I didn’t try harder. I know deep down that it isn’t my fault, we caught the cancer way too late for any treatment to have worked. But, somehow I can’t help but feel like I could have done more.

The last time I spoke to him was when he was unconscious too. I told him everything I had never said before, but even then I feel guilty because I should have said these things when he was conscious. I fear that he never heard me.

Please know you are not alone, nor should you feel guilty. You just have to take one day at a time. As cliche as it is, it is just this way. And remember, they are never truly gone. True, they may not physically be here, but they will always be with us and they will always be able to see what we do and our achievements. It was not your fault for your father’s hidden ailments.

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hey @Ajc9753
sorry for the late reply…. i’m incredibly sorry for your loss, my condolences to you and your family…
How are you doing now?
Reading your reply and your relatable words made me tear up.
It’s so weird to lose someone so suddenly… I guess death altogether is just… weird?
It must’ve been hard seeing your dad go through all that.
You shouldn’t feel guilty at all, you tried your best and i’m sure your dad would’ve been extremely proud of you.
Maybe we were destined to live life this way.
I hope you’re doing better now, though it’s still very soon. If you need to rant, i’ll be here.
Wish you all the best!!

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I am sooooo sorry you are going through this. Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my dad’s death. He just turned 74. His was unexpected too. I am his only child. It hurts every day. I miss him so much. It helps to talk on here, and with family and friends when you are ready. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but for me it is still rough. Hang in there, and don’t be afraid to reach out to people for help!

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Thats well said. I have felt guilty to for not spending more time with my dad. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel that way.

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So sorry to hear your husband passing away and equally for the total lost feeling that your family are feeling too, there is no way if describing how anyone feels until it happens within their own family.

I recently lost my father, I found him looking like he had gone to bed to sleep, only to find he had indeed an passed away.

The tragic feeling of being in this situation is heart breaking, I was stunned, not overly surprised as my dad was and had been not great for around 18 months.

However, the feeling of loss and what could I have done better in his life to make things easier for him are the things I now live with.

I miss him terribly every waking hour, he is me go to thought fort thing in the morning and my last thought before bed time.

The sudden loss of someone you love and someone who has been a corner stone in your life, no always there, but a constant in the background noise, a song that and did make me sing often, and then suddenly the quiet, the void…

I wake some days and think, just five more minutes to ask my dad how are you today, are you feeling well, do you want a cuppa, I’ve got your shopping and I’ll put it away for you…

It’s the little things that have crushed me, not being to call, not being ask after him, not being able to do some basic care things…

Most of all, when I said see you next week, he would grasp my hand with his crumpled and hard hands, hands that has grafted a lifetime, those hand shakes I miss like oxygen, I feel empty without him.

I feel your pain and loss, it’s like days without sunshine.

In time we all will see reason, but never be harsh on yourself, take time to feel your own healing and smile at the things you loved about that person.

All the very best

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