I lost my dad about 2 months ago. I loved and still do love him so much that words couldn’t even describe.
His death was very sudden. It came out of the blue and just like that he was gone. He died at a very young age.
The thing is, sometimes i still just can’t put my head around it. I simply don’t believe it.
It’s only been 2 months but it feels like it’s been years.
On the other hand it seems like it didn’t even happen.
Then reality hits me and it seriously makes my heart ache. It slams me back to rock bottom.
I panic and lose my breath the moment i realize that he has actually died. I never experienced losing someone i love so much.
I cry every time someone even mentions his name.
The same moment while being sad i also don’t believe it. I don’t want to accept it. How is any of this even real?
It’s hard to explain and it’s a very weird feeling because i just don’t know what it is that i feel or how i feel?
Am i still in denial? what can one even call this?
He was having health struggles that he kept to himself, and i regret not being there. I regret it so deeply. Deep down i know it’s not my fault, i couldn’t do anything to prevent it. Even when i was little he always used to joke and say that he only had little time to live, guess he wasn’t joking… I’d joke back saying i’d die sooner than him. Always ended up get yelled at for saying that.
To me he honestly seemed immortal. I genuinely thought he’d live longer than me.
My parents had been separated for about 8ish years, he lived abroad but we saw him on every break, every vacation. He facetimed us everyday so i never even felt the distance.
I’m still waiting for him to call me every day.
I always knew he was there. I always knew i had a father that had my back no matter what.
Now what? He’s not here.
He won’t be here to see me graduate, get my degree.
He won’t be here during many more important moments to come. I don’t even want to imagine getting married or having kids. He just won’t be here.
I just wish to hear his voice one more time in real life.
I want to hug him tightly and tell him i love him.
The last time i told him that he was unconscious in the ICU. I wonder if he heard it or if he felt my presence there.
I would do anything to have even a few seconds of time to hug him once more. Just once. I just want to say a proper goodbye atleast.
I don’t believe it, it’s like he’s on vacation and since we’ve lived apart it especially feels like it. As if he’s on a very long vacation and has no internet connection.
Deep down i know, he’s gone.I saw his body after all. But i don’t want to accept it.
I miss him so deeply man.
I miss him so much.
Life is fucked up. We live just to die.
I don’t know how to deal with any of this.
Sorry i just had to let it out man. It’s hard for me to talk about this to friends and family and i also don’t want to burden anyone with my problems.
So If anyone read this till the end, i sincerely thank and appreciate you…