Suddenly Losing one of the people i love most, my father

My father always told me that he’d love me as long as the world turns.
Does the world still turn for him?

It’s been two months now since my father has very suddenly passed away.
I still can’t believe it, but i cry like a baby every time i think of him, with every picture i see, even when beautiful memories cross my mind.
I felt and still do feel guilty about everything.

I see him in my dreams frequently. I wake up crying.
I can’t believe that he’s just not here anymore…
It’s like he’s just on vacation. I even tried making myself believe that he just left and didn’t contact us or something

I’ve been trying to keep busy so i don’t have to think about it that often (which is probably not that healthy).
I cant help but cry otherwise.

On the same day he was buried i saw his dead body.
Only his eyes and eyebrows.
I started crying but there was this shock feeling, I was numb.
His face was blue. I couldn’t recognize him.
I couldn’t stop thinking “this is not my father” “My father would never die”.
I asked myself a million times if that person there really was my dad?
Even while praying in front of his grave, i simply did not believe it was him laying under that earth.

In the ICU, my mom, brother and I each got to see him just for 5 minutes. And we were the last people who saw him alive.
His heart gave out.

I really thought he’d live. I believed it. I believed it with my whole Being.
Because my father was a strong person.
I’ve always made jokes saying i’d die sooner than him. He would get so mad at me.
Guess i was wrong.

And i haven’t been the same ever since.
I couldn’t look my 15 year old brother in the face.
He is just 15 man.
Every time i look at him, i see a piece of my father.
Even now when look at him for longer than 2 minutes my eyes start watering. I know he is just as much in pain as i am. Maybe it’s even worse.
I feel extremely guilty because i had just about 4 years more of time that i spent with my father.

My dad taught us that it was okay to cry, that it’s healing for the soul.
He always said he was proud of me/us no matter what.
He was very affectionate towards us.

He’d write poems just for me.
We had a melody just him and I. He would whistle the melody every time he wanted me to come up to him and then he’d just hug me. Simply a melody of love.
Most importantly he’d always, almost everyday tell my brother and I that he loves us.
I can’t live with the fact that i won’t hear him say that anymore.
I will never get poems written so beautifully anymore.
I won’t hear the whistle that calls for me anymore.
I won’t be able to hug him anymore.
I don’t have a father that can protect me anymore.

I am still very grateful though, but i live in constant fear that something could happen to my mom or my brother.
I’ve been paranoid ever since my father suddenly passed away.

I don’t know how to deal with this shit. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
It’s long asf ik, so to anyone that reads this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I’d like to know how people deal with grief.

How can i look at the pictures i have of him without crying?
When will i feel better?
When Will it stop hurting so much???


Hi Sananeaq,

I’m sorry for your loss.

It is evident that you love your father very much and you have a beautiful relationship.

I lost my father five months ago, shortly after a cancer diagnosis. My dad was my person and I love and miss him so much. It feels like my dad has been gone for years and I still cry everyday. Some days are much worse than others but the pain and longing is constant.

My dad told me that love transcends death and I have no doubt that he loves me as much as he ever did. I was the last person he said I love you to when I was driving him to the hospice.

I have been keeping myself busy but the sadness bombards me throughout the day and I too, find it difficult to comprehend that my strong dad is no longer here anymore. My dad is the bravest person I know even when facing his own death he was trying to prepare and guide me to cope without him. It seems unfathomable that he’s no longer here.

I am hoping to find a way to keep my relationship with my dad alive. I have his pictures up and I am going to find other ways to keep our connection strong. I dont talk about my dad in the past tense in the sense that I always say I have a father but he has passed away and I know more than ever my dad is protecting me. When I do something that he used to do, something that I never had the confidence to do before, I know that it’s my dad guiding me.

You are half of him, as is your brother and we carry them with us forever. I don’t have any advice on when this will feel better or when the tears will stop as they haven’t stopped for me yet. I am told there will always be a piece missing but we build around it.

If you ever want to chat I am here.

Take care.


I don’t know how to answer your question but I feel exactly how you describe some of your feelings, my dad died on March 5th me and my mum saw him an hour before he died and I also believed he was going to be ok. I still can’t fathom that he’s gone and at his funeral which was just on Wednesday I still did not believe it was him who was being buried, I think he’s on holiday I think I’ll see him again sometime and I can’t get my head around any of this. I believe in an after life I believe that there is more to human existence than the body which carries our souls and spirits and I will carry on believing this as it makes me feel some comfort. I replay some videos of him talking which I have on my phone and this makes me cry so do the photos and memories. I am also dreaming about him most nights then waking up for a split second thinking he’s not dead.

I’ve not got any advice for you but just to let you know you’re not alone in what you’re going through and some hope that this will not feel like this forever. Please take care and message if you want to chat more x


Thank you for your response katherine.

I’m also deeply sorry for your loss.
Your words made me feel better knowing that i’m not the only one going through a hard time like this.
And i hope that you also know that you’re not alone in this either.
Your last words hit me hard.
We are half of them and we will always carry a part of them with us.
Thank you!

May our loved ones rest in peace.

Take care x


Thank you for your response.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I hope that you also know that you’re not alone in this.
I also believe there’s more that comes after death.
The thought eases my mind. Makes me less anxious.
I think even though they’re gone, our souls are still bonded with the ones we lost and who knows maybe we’ll get to see them again not just in our dreams…

Take care x

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Hi Sananeaq,

Thank you. It’s helpful to know that other people understand.

Take care xx