My father always told me that he’d love me as long as the world turns.
Does the world still turn for him?
It’s been two months now since my father has very suddenly passed away.
I still can’t believe it, but i cry like a baby every time i think of him, with every picture i see, even when beautiful memories cross my mind.
I felt and still do feel guilty about everything.
I see him in my dreams frequently. I wake up crying.
I can’t believe that he’s just not here anymore…
It’s like he’s just on vacation. I even tried making myself believe that he just left and didn’t contact us or something
I’ve been trying to keep busy so i don’t have to think about it that often (which is probably not that healthy).
I cant help but cry otherwise.
On the same day he was buried i saw his dead body.
Only his eyes and eyebrows.
I started crying but there was this shock feeling, I was numb.
His face was blue. I couldn’t recognize him.
I couldn’t stop thinking “this is not my father” “My father would never die”.
I asked myself a million times if that person there really was my dad?
Even while praying in front of his grave, i simply did not believe it was him laying under that earth.
In the ICU, my mom, brother and I each got to see him just for 5 minutes. And we were the last people who saw him alive.
His heart gave out.
I really thought he’d live. I believed it. I believed it with my whole Being.
Because my father was a strong person.
I’ve always made jokes saying i’d die sooner than him. He would get so mad at me.
Guess i was wrong.
And i haven’t been the same ever since.
I couldn’t look my 15 year old brother in the face.
He is just 15 man.
Every time i look at him, i see a piece of my father.
Even now when look at him for longer than 2 minutes my eyes start watering. I know he is just as much in pain as i am. Maybe it’s even worse.
I feel extremely guilty because i had just about 4 years more of time that i spent with my father.
My dad taught us that it was okay to cry, that it’s healing for the soul.
He always said he was proud of me/us no matter what.
He was very affectionate towards us.
He’d write poems just for me.
We had a melody just him and I. He would whistle the melody every time he wanted me to come up to him and then he’d just hug me. Simply a melody of love.
Most importantly he’d always, almost everyday tell my brother and I that he loves us.
I can’t live with the fact that i won’t hear him say that anymore.
I will never get poems written so beautifully anymore.
I won’t hear the whistle that calls for me anymore.
I won’t be able to hug him anymore.
I don’t have a father that can protect me anymore.
I am still very grateful though, but i live in constant fear that something could happen to my mom or my brother.
I’ve been paranoid ever since my father suddenly passed away.
I don’t know how to deal with this shit. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
It’s long asf ik, so to anyone that reads this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I’d like to know how people deal with grief.
How can i look at the pictures i have of him without crying?
When will i feel better?
When Will it stop hurting so much???