Hi All
I have not posted before, I suddenly lost my wonderful 72 year old mum 4 weeks ago, she was the centre of our small family, I am an only child though age 40 with 3 teenagers who were the centre of her world. My elderly disabled father and mum were married for 51 years and the heart break I am seeing is unbearable, mum always looked after dad due to his ill health, I just can’t believe she’s gone. I am now having to step into her shoes which of course I don’t mind and dad has got to come and live with me my husband and children. Just feel I have the whole weight of the world on my shoulders whilst trying to process loosing my best friend on top of having to go back to a high pressured full time job. The only feeling I am experiencing is one of drowning under pressure.
Hi Claire
So very sorry to hear about your mom. Grief is painful, exhausting, terrifying.
I lost my dad of a similar age last summer. It was also sudden - no warning, nothing particularly wrong. He had a cardiac arrest in his sleep. My mom found him in the morning in his TV chair. It makes no sense and we will never fully understand it.
4 weeks is very early. I spent the first 5+ months barely eating. As you say, the pressure and weight of everything is on you. Your dad is broken hearted and lonely. You have to be there for him first, and your kids are sad, and then where in all of that is time for you to process this?
I thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown for a long while. I am surprised that I didn’t. Also thought I was going to die from the stress or that my mom would die from the stress. We didnt.
As you can see, I still use this website for comfort daily. But, I am coping 100% better now and so is my mom and sister. Its a slow progression.
For me, the biggest thing I did to help myself was to reduce my responsibilities in all aspects of life and let other people do their own things as best that I could. Kids making their own breakfast and lunches for school was a big help because it allowed me to spend an hour every morning processing the recurring nightmare of waking up and realizing within minutes that I again have no dad. I stopped making all meals really. My husband food shopped on the weekends or at night. Everyone fended for themselves. At work, my team stepped up. I could not concentrate for more than an hour at a time on any tasks. Eventually that got better and better to where I was able to function for most of the day.
Its not easy Claire and you need to reduce the pressure in any place that you can so that you can focus on your dad.
There is truly nothing anyone can do to make this better but your support system can make it easier on you so that you can properly cry, grieve, and just breathe. Eventually you realize that you are still here, we dont know how to reverse what happened, and therefore we must live the life we have.
Ell
Thank you for your lovely message, it’s comfort to know you have got through what you have. I know we will but I am trying so hard to be so many things to so many people at the moment, mum, wife, daughter, boss and none of them can easily give but I know you are right, I am hoping that I can re evaluate things to take a little bit of pressure off x
Hi Claire
I also have a leadership role at work. I just had to let the team handle most things. People are kind and will step up to take on things that you just cant do right now. Focus on your dad and family now. In a few months you will want to flip that as work will become a welcome distraction. At some point down the line, balance will get restored and you will be left with just the sadness component. At some point, these words will mean something to you - that your mom lives through you - like in the movie the lion king. Right now those words make no sense because your mind wants her back and the idea of her not coming back is too painful to process.
Other people will reply with their perspectives.
I kept myself going because I know that every person that surrounds us has or will experience this grief and they are mostly doing alright and one day I will be doing alright too.
Warmly,
Ell