My wife has started her end of life journey after refusing for chemotherapy. She is a terminal stage ovarian cancer patient. She lived happily and somewhat healthily for 7 years when she was first detected in May 2016 and diagonsed as Stage III C cancer survivor. Now after her 2nd operation which went unsuccessful her body is giving away for the last 4.5 months.
Its really painful to see her in searing pain every single day and lying on bed and not talking to us. She just keeps to herself. She is being feed through Ryles tube as she stopped having solid diet about 3 weeks back. There are days when we almost feel that she is leaving us. But then she lives for another day.
Being in Mumbai, India access to offline grief support groups is scarce. The only way are the therapists or counselors and 9 out of 10 are very young. Doesnt give me enough confidence to talk to them. I would rather go in support groups. I have become so paranoid that I dont even step out of home at all unless its taking wife to the hospital. Watching Netflix or Prime Videos give me some break for couple of hours but while watching I keep on thinking about a world without her. Being sleeping for 2 to 3 hours only. I try to journal 2 or 3 times a week.
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your wife’s diagnosis. Most community members have sadly experienced something similar, and may understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
My partner just passed 8 weeks ago today from colorectal cancer and endured the end of life process - when she went into end of life all fluids and food were suspended.
She also underwent massive surgeries, final surgery on her liver could not be performed due to the extent of the metastasis (I live in UK but took her to Fortis Memorial Hospital in Gurugram, New Delhi for the treatment as it was not offered in UK)
I don’t really have any advice - there isn’t a way to ease the journey. All I can say is comfort her, talk to her and spend time with her and say the things you’ve always needed to say while you still can
Very sorry to know of your loss. Hope GOD gives you the strength to overcome your grief.
Thanks for your suggestion. We are doing exactly the way you said. But she stopped talking to all of us since the last 5 weeks or so and has closeted herself in a shell due to acute depression.
Thanks once again.
Dear Cheer me up, its been 3 years since my beloved husband passed away from pancreatic cancer, he was only 64 years old. He was stage 4 but managed 3 years to be with me and our children. It was extremely heartbreaking, i spent a lot of time grieving for him even though he was still here. Its called anticipatory grief. He wanted to die at home, so he had his wish. He hung on and hung on, he felt he couldnt leave me, i had to reassure him that i would be fine and the children told him they would look after me. I told him to let go if he wanted and not to stay because of me. After that, within two days he was gone. Im truly sorry that your wife is so ill. All you can do is carry on what you doing. The hardest thing a human has to go through is losing a loved one. Try and get some counselling. You might find it helps. God bless. Margarita
Thanks Margarita for your kind words. Unfortunately after my first post sometime back, my wife passed away on 22 Aug 2023 in the early evening hours, which gave us enough time to cremate her body according to Hindu rituals and customs on the same day. In her death, her face glowed and her arms and legs glowed. It’s as if she finally got what she wanted as she was under severe depression for the last 5-6 weeks and stopped talking to us and anyone. All her relatives, and her closed friends made it a point to visit her within an hour or two. My son and myself were not sure how to handle the after-death hours as we were too much busy in finalizing the paperwork of death certificate, booking a place in the cemetery (electric furnace as my wife was dead against the burning of woods and cutting down of woods). Next day, early morning we went to collect the ashes and headed straight to seashore near our home to scatter the ashes and that was the time, when the feeling of emptiness, grief, sadness seeped in and I couldn’t just stop crying out loud by hugging my son who turned 18 some months back. Our one and only kid. My wife never wanted to die in a hospital and that was the promise she wanted me from me just after her major operation. She somehow knew that her operation was botched-up and she would never recover and she refused chemotherapy as she knew she might die unnoticed on one of those chemo chairs.
For the last 5 months, I had a full time job looking after her. I had quit my day time job and wanted to give her full time. I was really saddened to see how she became weak in her final 4-5 weeks when she was unable to even lift up her fingers to scratch her forehead or nose a bit. She needed our help even to turn from left to right on the bed. She felt her bone-pain of her back while sleeping on her back. The final 3 days were spent in having acute respiratory difficulty and breathing. We prayer to GOD for an early exit from this world but GOD had other plans and kept her. Maybe she wanted to see our son getting admitted to one of the best Engineering college in the state as 3 days after he got admitted, she went away. Although she didn’t spoke in the last 4 weeks to anyone, but she was indicating by moving her fingers. 3 days before she breathed her last, she said clearly 3 words “Mere teen bacche” (in Hindi, which translated into English means “I have 3 left”, which I think she indicated the number of days). I wonder sometimes, how she predicted about her death.
There are many things, which are outside of our mere mortals understanding or rational thinking.
Now I am left without a full-time job and the days feel so long. I hope my son and me could tide over this difficult period. She was just 53 and the youngest among 21 of her cousins and own brothers and sisters. Imagine the trauma her relatives also endured.
Well, this is life.
I keep asking myself how can we feel so much pain,for our own loss but also that of others, simply because we loved someone so so much.
I read your story and that of cheermeup and I feel such sadness because I know what you are going through,and already gone through with other family members. I wish you every strength looking after your husband.
Thanks so much for your kind words. Reading the situations people like me are going through on this channel makes me at-least feel I am not the only person going through such pain and grief in this world.
I would surely be praying to GOD to give you and your kids strength overcome this difficult period. Like they say, time would pass away and memories would remain. Stay strong, stay calm and keep on praying - thats all we can do.
Thanks Miker for your kind words. One day the pain would be gone with the passage of time and there would be a time, when the good times spend with our partner would remain in our hearts. Like my son says now “Papa, I can only remember Mumma during her last days screaming in pain and calling for help. I have forgotten the times Mumma used to cuddle me and cheer me up”. I convinced him that with time, you would remember the good old days. Those are priceless and ever-lasting memories.
My husband made me promise to remember him as he was before the cancer ravaged him. I have tried my best and now idi remember as he was. I wish you strength at thos awful time x
All you can do is carry on what you doing. The hardest thing a human has to go through is losing a loved one. Try and get some counselling. You might find it helps. God bless. Margarita