Is anyone else living with the knowledge that you were genuinely the cause of a suicide? Not just the usual “I could have done more” “I should have listened, or recognised the signs”
I mean that you know, truly, that your actions pushed a very vulnerable person over the edge.
Do you get sick of hearing people telling you it wasn’t your fault, when they hardly knew the victim if at all… or the situation.
Is anyone else living with that?
X
I’ve had two friends take their own lives, and reading both your comments have really made me think.
I don’t think anyone can be to blame for another person deciding to take their own life - it’s their decision alone. You might have influence, both good and bad, but at the end of the day when some takes their own life it’s down to them (I’m also saying this as someone who attempted it many many years ago).
Please don’t allow their actions to destroy your lives as well - i’m sure that no one would want that.
Please try to find some help/counselling.
Hi Sarah,
Sadly, you’ve just replied in exactly the same way as everyone else does. Without listening to what I’ve said. And just generalising about suicide.
Everyone thinks they know about suicide, and just make assumptions. Without knowing the person/people involved or the circumstances.
Perhaps in the vast majority of cases, you’re right. But sometimes a case could come along that’s different. Where there is blame. Where there is someone responsible for pushing a very desperately vulnerable person over the edge. By saying and doing things that should never have been said or done in those circumstances. Like I did. So despicable and shameful that after almost a year I still can’t tell anyone else about it.
Does anyone else carry this desperately guilty heavy load? Knowing full well you’re responsible for what happened… ??
No, I’m not living with that, but my heart goes out to you, and I really hope you can find acceptance, peace and forgiveness. Sending you love xx
I’m so sorry you’re going through this - and I’m so sorry for the person you have lost. If you need to share what you feel you did wrong, I would recommend this as a safe space - or very strongly recommend speaking to a councillor. My situation is not the same, but I sympathise about truly knowing that you did do wrong and struggling to accept people’s well meaning but inevitably less informed condolences. I would say don’t keep the shame locked up and silent inside. A professional can make you feel safe and listen without judgement. Wishing you strength and luck.
I can’t talk about it. It crushes me everytime I think about it, every day. I feel of I tell anyone it would be out there, and my grief and shame would be far worse. As though losing my daughter like that could possibly get any worse…
I feel like other people know it’s my fault. That if I’d done my bit properly she would still be here, which she would be. I failed her catastrophically that last day. There are people here who know she wasn’t ready to be left alone, and I left her. I don’t know why I did. I can’t think of one good excuse. There were other things that happened that day that shouldn’t have. My fault again. She had a bad day, then I left her… A cruel and despicable thing to do. There were other details I just can’t talk about.
How do other people cope with this? Maybe no-one else has actually caused the suicide. Just me.
Xx
How terrible to feel like you were the cause of someone killing themselves, that is a very heavy burden for you to carry alone.
You haven’t given much detail but I’m guessing this person who finally killed themselves had been very sick for a long time so perhaps you might ask yourself if you were the cause of ALL aspects relating to that illness.
It is probably the worst cause of death to cope with - suicide and I’m very sorry that you feel so bad, but you are one person with, like the rest of us, of limited powers and we all try to do our best when needed.
Suicide is made up of so many emotions, there is not one thing and there is not one person. No matter how much you blame yourself, it was not you alone, it’s not possible, we don’t have that amount of control over another.
You need to find someone who you can talk with, someone you feel comfortable with and who will not judge you.
I am so very sorry that you are so tortured by guilt, I hope you get some peace soon.
Gogs
Hi Gogs,
My daughter was a complex story.
In Aug '17 she suffered a major stroke that she was lucky to survive. Right side paralysed, speech gone, reading, writing, memory.
She was in hospital 6 months. Her home was unsuitable with lots of steps. We eventually got her a bungalow, from the council.
In Jan '18 she was finally discharged. We were all delighted. She was over the moon to be out and loved the bungalow. The next day, her stroke leg collapsed and she broke her hip…
She had surgery and had a bracket repair done. She was in hospital another 6 weeks when she was due to be discharged again, on that day, she came down with flu. So in hospital a further week.
Pre stroke, she had suffered years of bipolar and bouts of severe depression. She’d taken a number of overdoses.
After the stroke she became very child like in a lot of ways. She wasn’t happy obviously with her new disabilities. Although things had improved considerably over 7 months. But she loathed being in that wheelchair. She couldn’t use crutches because she couldn’t use her right arm. So confined to wheelchair. When she was discharged physio hadn’t even tried getting her back on her feet again.
She had lows, she couldn’t see that she’d get better as time went on, and various procedures were tried on her. But like a child, she could be easily distracted and laughing again fairly easily. It was always just a case of keeping her spirits up, which a lot of us did.
She wanted out of hospital, but she was also very vulnerable.
She had a friend stay with her for the first 2 days. She was fine. Then it was my turn to care for her, which we all knew was going to be a long road. 2 days in my care and she died.
She had a very bad day on that Saturday. Everything went wrong. I’d forgotten all sorts of things for her. She wanted to go out, I said it was too cold when she was still recovering from flu. Loads of other little things, all went wrong for her. And we had an argument. It was a really bad day for her, and then worst of all, I left her… She wasn’t able to tolerate a day like that. She’d been more or less in care for 7 months. And I left her, I wasn’t supposed to, I was supposed to be staying there, she needed me badly. And she wasn’t safe in that wheelchair. She couldn’t manage on her own yet. So why did I leave her??? I haven’t come up with one rational explanation yet. But I left her. She would have felt totally desolate, abandoned, and destroyed by that.
Everyone says I was exhausted and made a mistake. It’s more like I lost sight of her and made a fatal error. How? 7 months of worrying about her, waiting to get her out of there, worrying about her care, 7 months totally geared round her, then I did that and lost her.
2 days on my care, she was gone.
Yes, there were other factors at play. But the most crucial one was me. She desperately needed me when she came home. If I’d done my bit properly and looked after her like I was supposed to do she would still be here today. Those of us who knew her best, both pre and post stroke, all agreed she had too much going on that was really good for her. She was looking forward to so much. She wasn’t planning this. It was an impulse because of me. Devastating thing is that when she realised she was in danger she tried to get help. It was too late…
There’s more, that I can’t bring myself to talk about.
I just don’t know what the hell I was thinking of. I lost her. I see her little body on the floor everyday. I did that to her.
Xxx
You are so courageous to write this post. My love and prayers go out to you x
How very tragic. That young daughter had an awful lot to contend with and there’s no doubt about that.
Firstly before anything else she had Bipolar and depression - do you blame yourself for that?
Following she had a stroke, young admittedly but I’ve know a little girl of only 3 years of age - you cannot blame yourself for that.
Then bless her the flu on top of everything else - her depression must have really kicked in.
People with long term depression are usually very good at hiding their feeling - you cannot be blamed for that.
Sounds to me as if you were a very good mother but I’m guessing very tired and stressed following an almost lifetime of caring for this daughter.
You put everything you could in place to help your daughter - that takes a lot of planning and commitment, it’s not all done with the flick of a switch.
And when you get to those final two days you are forgetting all the weeks, months and years that you have cared for her and instead are focusing on a few hours when you must have been at breaking point. You didn’t fail her, you were the closed person to her and because of this you were always going to get blamed for her frustration, her anger at life and what its dealt her. You sadly had to take the brunt of her anger.
Suicide might feel like there is no other way out of this mess, but suicide also contains a lot of anger and it’s usually those closest to us that get’s the blame.
you need to get yourself some face to face, one to one help.
See your doctor and get a referral. These forums are very supportive but you need much more than support, you need the opportunity to explore this complex relationship, you deserve to be helped to set you free of this guilt you are holding on to.
Much love to you, I sincerely hope you will take care of your own needs as well as you took care of your duaghter.
Gogs xx
I think you’re so brave for writing about this even when you feel you can’t talk about it. I can’t imagine - and I’m sure no one can fully understand but you. My personal belief is the more you feel you drown in your own thoughts and guilt and self reproach, the more important it is to talk to someone. Something I’ve found comforting to help me open up to therapists about whatever I feel can’t be said out loud is to remember that whatever is truly shocking to me is probably almost boring for them - some of them literally give therapy to mass murderers and the like…! Anyway, just my own opinion.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you strength in these truly awful times.
Thank you for your kind words.
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to write this reply. It’s very hard for me.
A few people have tried the why’s and wherefores, reason and thyme, and tried to come up with a good enough explanation or excuse for what I did. A popular one is my own illness.
But to be honest, nothing is good enough.
When she had that stroke, everything else went out if the window. She was the most important person in the world then. Getting her back out of hospital and her care. I don’t feel anything prior to that, was relevant. Her care on her discharge was the most vitally important thing, considering what had happened to her, and the state it had left her in.
2 days in my care and she was gone.
That’s all that counts.
After 7 months in hospital, she needed me more than ever on her release. All the years months weeks before that weren’t important. Those first vital days and weeks out of hospital were. And I just don’t know where my head was…?? What on earth got into me?? It cost her life… What mother can live with that??
And those of us who saw her regularly all know she wasn’t planning it. She had acted on impulse, then regretted it. If I’d done my bit properly she would still be here. The other people are sympathetic, and blame the tablets that she shouldn’t have had in her possession. Even so, they do agree I shouldn’t have left her. “Tragic mistake” … more a fatal error.
When she died, CSI were called in. We were told there was nothing at all to indicate she had done anything. So for 4 months we assumed it was medical trauma of some sort, either from the stroke, broken hip, flu, or even complications due to pneumonia she’d had 3 times prior to the stroke.
It came as a hell of a shock to be told it was suicide. I felt bad enough before we knew that. Now it’s a hundred times worse. No excuse is really good enough. Like I’ve said before, I didn’t give her those pills, but I’m the reason she took them, because she will have felt abandoned and worthless after the bad day we had then I left her. I may as well of sat and helped her take them. We know she was terrified after she took those pills, we saw the state of her bedroom, and her. She’d tried to get help. But with what she took, nobody could have saved her. She won’t have realised how much danger she was in, because of the way her mind was after the stroke, until it was too late. She’d knocked things over in her panic. She’d collapsed by the door. She would be trying to get her alarm, which should have been round her neck. It was in the living room. That crushes me, daily. I see it all everyday. If she had really wanted to die, I might have been able a accept it better. But she didn’t. She would have stayed in bed and died, but she didn’t, she tried to get help. She was frightened. And I should have been there to look after her.
That isn’t everything. The rest is just horrible…
We don’t know the effect the stroke had on her other mental disorders. I believed the stroke had pushed the other stuff to the back, the stroke took over. We know she was behaving like a classic stroke victim. And if you Google it, all young stroke victims are high risk, with a 10% suicide rate.
Is there anyone else in my shoes? Does anyone else KNOW that their actions directly caused the suicide? How does anyone live with this??
Xxx
I have just found this site and had to join so I can reply to you. My heart is breaking for the torment you are going through.
Losing a child must be the most destructive thing imaginable.
The love of my life killed himself I knew he was going to but I couldn’t cope anymore being the one who held him together. The aftermath is hell. My children were 21 and 17 and I told him that if he was serious he had to explain it to our kids.
I thought by him being open with them he might see how important and loved he was. We spoke at length about why we couldn’t get back together because after all the years ‘I struggled to cope’!!
He left us and killed himself.
I’m still wracked with shame and guilt 4 1/2 years later. I don’t know the answer to help you but I do know how hard it is when your actions…or lack of them…rip your family to pieces. Or when people say ‘there’s nothing you could have done’ when you feel inside there was something you should have done.
I’m sorry this has been long winded and might be a bit all over the place. I just want you to know you’re not alone x