Suicide, mental health

Hi everyone! Stupid question, how are you all doing?
I’m new to this community, I thought I can do it by myself and while I’m focusing on work. Turned out I was wrong on both of my front!
My husband and my best friend of 20.5 years has ended his life. He always was a deep thinker, always overthinking everything, never satisfied with anything and COVID and lockdown didn’t help either. Just after all the madness was over his mental health became so bad he started talking about sending money to my account so I can look after Emma if he is no longer with us. When the first chunk of money arrived to my account I got scared and called the crisis team. They came and my husband wasn’t happy about it but he chatted to them and on the scale of 1-10 re suicide he said a 10. He was calm and refused any kind of help.
They came 2 more times but my husband charmed his way out of sectioning. In 2022, a few days before Christmas he tried. I found him and kept him from choking. In hospital he was asking me why have I stopped him. He went from hospital to hospital and he didn’t wanted to come back as he was ashamed what he is done and didn’t wanted our then 6 year old to see this growing up. I was hoping he gets better and comes back to us, as we very much loved him… But then he disappeared a year ago, found by the police. A few hospital later and one year on he got his passport back and decided to visit Budapest, the place where he lived a few years and find his old friends. At least this was the story we been told. He had no intention to such thing had an Airbnb for two weeks, far away from us and her sister where he was staying, so he can’t be stopped.

I was broken when I found out what happened. We didn’t live together because how he was and because he wanted to put distance between us, as I don’t think that he ever changed his mind about going from this world since this idea born…
But we visited him, and I received every morning “Good Morning, hope you slept well” and every evening “Good night sweety, I love you”. I miss these and I keep calling his phone number just to listen to his voicemail.
He passed away on Friday but I went back to work on Monday thinking I need to be strong for our daughter and it will be all fine. Work stress did not help at all, if anything it made it so much worse I felt like a failure… So after 2.5 weeks I just had to concentrate on what has happened. I cry a lot when I let myself go there… I feel like I lost him 3 times… When his mental health started to change him as I knew him, when he almost succeeded and I became a single mum and now. I grieved the first two times, but now this is something that can’t be ever changed back, this is permanent. And the funeral will be in 2 weeks time and people telling me that will make things worse. Try to think of good memories but I feel numb, sad, angry… Sometimes I think I have been strong for so long I need to just let it flow and let it all out! But what I have noticed grief comes in waves. One minute I’m have a laugh with my goofy daughter and the next I’m sobbing uncontrollable. How do you keep going?
Sorry about the long post but this past 1.5 years been hard and to end like this I’m absolutely devastated.

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We’re all different. We all react differently so everything you do, say, feel is OK…
We keep going because we have to, because it’s what our partner would want.
It’s tough,probably one of the most difficult things we’ll go through, but we will get through.
Keep being goofy with your daughter, you’ll both need that.
And when/if you’re ready to cry, then do that too.
Hugs x

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@Bea001 how terribly terribly sad for you and your daughter. This site is a great place to tell your story and you know that everyone on here has lost a partner so we understand what grief feels like. Obviously everyone’s story is different and everyone has their own way of dealing with this, the most awful of places to be. Sometimes just reading other people’s posts can be helpful I really do hope you get even a scrap of comfort on here after what you have been through x

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Bea, I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Sadly, your situation is similar to mine. I lost my husband and best friend just before Christmas, we had also been together for over 20 years. I feel like I’m living a nightmare and am still in disbelief. I had so much faith he would get better and we could move forwards with our lives as a family.
You are not alone. I cry all the time, I have to let it out there is no stopping it. I have also started writing in a notebook, I wouldn’t call it journalling but i write down thoughts and feelings in an attempt to get them out of my head.
Have you been in touch with any charities who can help with suicide berevement?
On a practical level of just coping day to day I now have a cleaner twice a month and treat the kids to dinner out once a week- this is really a treat for me so I don’t have to cook or wash up!
Hugs x

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Mental health and suicide is so complex and so different for every person. The love of my life took her own life after postpartum depression and psychosis took her from me, so i understand the feeling of grieving multiple times. I grieved the woman i fell in love with, teenage her, pregnant her, the her she was before she had our daughter, id grieve her good days on her bad days, loving someone with complex mental health problems is draining, and grieving in itself, then to actually physically lose them too just breaks you.

It will come in waves but every wave passes sooner or later, some days there will be hundreds of waves other days there will be 5 or 10. Best thing i taught myself was just ride the wave, feel it, and then let it pass. Its a year for me and it hasnt gotten easier, but my life has grown around my grief. The grief is still the same size as it was last year, and it still hurts as much as it did then, but my life has just grown around it. Hang in there

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