Hello
I feel so lost. I am unable to publicly grieve for the father of my child. He committed suicide a few weeks ago. We weren’t together; he was married. I cannot tell people how I feel or how sad I am for my daughter. I have reached out to a counsellor but pretending everything is ok in front of everyone is hurting me. I have considered suicide but can’t leave my daughter with no parents. I loved him. I wish I hadn’t involved myself with a married man. I would never let his family find out about us or our child. i feel guilty, lost, scared, alone and absolutely heartbroken. He was my everything for 5 years.
Hi. CatPalmer. Welcome to the site. PLEASE try not to flog yourself with guilt. It’s such a very debilitating emotion and can lead to despair. That you are so upset means you loved the guy, and because of that his loss has distressed you so much. There will be no judgement here. We don’t believe in it. Pretending everything is OK is about what we all do. Putting on a brave face can cause further distress because we are ‘bottling up’ emotions, not a good thing to do. Be sad, and what others think matters not at all. It’s your loss not theirs!
Thoughts of suicide are not uncommon at first, but can I suggest you make an urgent visit to your GP. They can often help and advise. Going it alone is not an option. Your love for your daughter will carry you through. She needs you at such times. ‘Alone and heartbroken’. Everyone here has felt that. One can be surrounded by kind fiends and relatives yet feel isolated and alone. It’s what happens in this awful process of grief. If you feel comfortable with your counsellor then please don’t give up too soon. Is he/she a bereavement councillor because that is what you need?
Once again I must say try and avoid guilt. Life can be cruel and we never know what is just around the corner for any of us.
PLEASE come back and talk to us. We all know and understand.
Blessings and my prayers are with you. John.
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Hello, I am pleased that John as answers your post, everything he says is right and please don’t think you need to take drastic action and if you get these thoughts again you can always contact the Samaritans on 116123 and they will just listen and hold you gently in love. You have your little girl and she will make you feel proud of both her and yourself for getting through this dreadful time but it will pass. I can understand how alone you will feel and greatly admire you for not contacting his family, it would be very wrong, they have to deal with their own grief. We are all here for you and will support you as much as possible along with your counsellor whom I am sure will help you see just how good life is and will be. You take care of yourself and your little girl, our prayers and wishes go to you both.
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Thank you both for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate your non judgemental and wholesome support. I know I need to get through this for the sake of my daughter, who despite the circumstances was created from a place of love, and is such a beacon of light in this whole mess. I have so many conflicting emotions, predominantly sadness, anger and worry about our future without his support (emotional not financial), and Just hope I can get through this darkness. Thank you again, especially for your prayers. X
Cat, from reading your response I know you have an inner strength that will get you through this dreadful time. Just now everything is so raw and every little thing will seem to be a mountain to climb but later you will look back and be proud of yourself for how you got through and came out the other side. One thing I try to do is think how lucky I am because!!! It may be just having my cat or being able to go for a walk, small little things but it gets me through. It’s a lone hard road but with your little girl at your side you will be able to see that the sun is shining and see the beautiful colours of the rainbow 
. We are always here, anytime. Take care. Love to your little girl xxx
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Oh Cat, that phrase ‘created from a place of love’ . How beautiful that is and so true. She is and always will be a ‘beacon of light’. For her sake alone you will cope. Try not to look back with regret. There is no cause for that. Look at the happier moments.
Bless you and take care. John.
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Thank you both so much. Sometimes it all feels so unbearable and sad, and painful. This forum has already helped so much. There is something in the power of human connection & picking out the seed corns of hope in some of the other user’s posts that is really special and helpful. I feel so thankful that I have my precious daughter. I’m trying to make her proud of me, step-by-step. This has been the hardest month of my life, and I have to believe it will get better. Sending lots of love. X