You’re right, 53 is no age. I am 65 and still feel young (-ish), but without my partner I am a bit adrift.
Please keep in your mind that he would not have wanted to cause you distress. Obviously he has, but I am sure it was not his intention. It was about how awful and worthless he felt. Even though a loved one would never consider the one they had lost to be worthless, often this is how suicidal people feel.
Thank you I understand now. Couldn’t of been easy x he never took drugs being a DJ my friends where shocked he didn’t but drinking diabetes and other stuff I feel sorry for his youngest child not with me she’s only 16!but has support from her mother etc xx
I think some of us have self-destructive urges, not just the obvious ones like self-harm, but things like chain smoking and heavy drinking Often I think this comes from experiences as children or young adults.
It’s very sad to think that as a DJ, he probably made a lot of people happy and they would have imagined he was also a very happy man
I think the fact that he took his life when he had children and you. I think this underscores there was probably no reason,
other than how he felt about himself.
I hope you get enough support from here and everywhere else to help you cope
Thank you I can relate to everything you’ve said without being judge mental some of my friends don’t understand their like you’ll meet someone one day no chance I’m not wanting to start all Over again I miss him very much and yes he did make people happy with his music I use to go everywhere he went well most times and weekends I find harder but because he had no will etc it all went to his youngest daughter which is fine we speak now and then hopefully the medication I’m on will help but won’t take it all away from ha to experienced was more than wanting these pills but counselling takes years hence why I’m in this group I hope you are doing ok with handling things it’s not easy losing a loved one through any kind of illness xx
I lost my husband to suicide 18 months ago. We’d been together for 34 years. The pain of his loss is truly unbearable. I cannot accept that he’s gone and that I dont get to grow old with him. All our plans for the future together never going to happen. In the immediate aftermath everyone said ‘why didn’t he talk to someone if he was struggling.’ He was under stress at work and we had talked about it. He had been his usual self until the middle of the afternoon before, when he became a lot more cheery. I tortured myself with the scenario of ‘how could he be so normal and upbeat’ knowing what he was going to do the next day. How could he not show any signs of distress or upset knowing he was spending his last evening with me. One person afterwards said it was classic signs of Dissociation, an episode when someone under stress does something without realising it’s them doing it, they believe they are watching it happen to someone else. This is the only thing that makes sense because I know he would never have inflicted this pain on those he loved. I know this because I’ve had the same thoughts. Realising this has helped me understand, it doesn’t help accepting it or trying to carry on living, which is so bloody hard. A loss through suicide is a whole different level of grief and my heart truly goes out to anyone going through it. Just dig deep and keep going x
Sorry for your loss I know it’s hard losing someone to suicide I lost my beloved 15 months ago seem like yesterday he had everything to live for his daughter me and
Other people who loved him being a DJ he lived making people happy but he wasn’t well come the end which was so sad nobody seen the signs he went to soon I will never get Over losing him at such a young age 51 no one knows how the mind of others work grief is love with nowhere to go xx
Yes, of course it is very hard and medication won’t solve things, but it may make counselling and grieving a bit easier.
Of course we will miss our loved ones, but over a long time it does become a little less painful. I lost my mum many, many years ago and the grief I felt for her became gradually more bearable.
The loss of my partner is much more recent and although I can “hold it together” , so that my work colleagues have no idea how upset I am, it’s another story at home. And the slightest thing can set me off:a colleague told me how happy I looked and, later, I got very upset because it felt like she was saying I didn’t care very much about my partner’s death. Nothing could be further from the truth, as I miss her terribly.
Yes, I am getting something from this, although I do feel isolated and, like millions - probably billions of people before me, I am scared because I know I must either stagnate, living in day dreams of the past, or live a different life.
Thank you for sharing. I’ll read up on dissociation as well because my Dad had an episode a few months before his suicide where he was drowsy, disorientated, and emotional. We wonder if a similar thing happened on the day that he died.
Sending you all the love in the world 
I understand your message people don’t know how you are feeling unless it’s happened to them they expect you to forget and move on or meet someone else I have no intentions of meeting anyone else not now or Never I have some good friends and my passion is listening to his music and singing and reminiscing he was a radio presenter on a few radio stations he volunteered for donuts nice to hear his voice still we all blame our selfs when someone we love die I wish I had been their when Stephen passed but my eldest wasn’t very well found out month after he passed she could have died through blood clots on the lungs so yes I blame myself for not being their knowing he died alone kills me every day 
I think you’re putting an unjustified and heavy burden on yourself because you weren’t with him. It’s something we all have to live with, I mean the circumstances of our lived one’s death. I was sleeping when I got a call from my partner’s son to say that she was very ill and we were advised to come at once. We just missed her passing, which made me feel bad. I had been sleeping late in the morning, because I was tired, from holding down a job and going backwards and forwards to the hospice.
As much as possible, all we can do is think of the nice things, like his music, and for me, what a kind lady my partner was.
Yes guilt has played a big part I speak to his daughter sometimes as she’s a t school etc doing exams I can only imagine how she is feeling bless her I was only with him a few years engaged to be married which will never happen but he was her father for 15 years it’s so sad don’t think he realised the heartache he would leave behind I even had to do my own memorial as his family banned me from his funeral but your right the memories are always their and his music x thank you for listening
I feel guilty for all the usual things, I should have been with her more, I didn’t show her I loved her enough, etc.
None of these are fair, as I am sure applies to you for what you feel guilty for. As the cliché has it, we do the best we can.
Families can be very funny over bereavement. My partner had a former boyfriend who committed suicide a few years ago, who she had been close to, but his family were quite odd with us, hardly acknowledging she was at the funeral.
Hi everyone i lost my younger brother 6 weeks ago suddenly and very tragically still trying to process it all feels like such a whirlwind of grief and emotions. I can relate to you all on here and just keep being kind to yourself and do what is right for you
Sorry for your loss can’t be easy losing someone to suicide I lost my fiancé last. July he had everything to live for I blame myself but mental health need to be addressed more especially in me. It’s so sad 
I will never get Over losing my partner but I am slowly moving forward grief is just love with no place to go x