I lost my Dad, who was truly a wonderful human - lived for his family, high ranking in the fire brigade, musician, artist, humanitarian, chef, intelligent, rational, patient, and funny, among other good qualities - to suicide. Although he was very troubled by the state of the world (war, corruption, greed, racism etc), he never showed any real signs of being that depressed, and we are a very close family so I don’t believe that he could have hidden it that well. On the day he ended his life my 11 year old daughter, who he adored and doted on, was in his care. Luckily she didn’t find him and still doesn’t know the real cause of his death. I can’t accept that he would have risked her finding him, and I can’t understand why he would do this especially since we’ve lost family members to suicide in the past, and he knows the pain that it causes. I’ve struggled with mental illness myself, and I know how it feels to not want to be here but my family have always kept me here because I could never hurt them like that. I’m so confused.
I am so sorry Lynbug, it must be so very painful for you.
I don’t have any answers, but I just wanted to send you love and strength.
Xx
I lost my fiancé last year to suicide it’s not nice losing someone let alone through suicide my fiancé never showed any signs of depression always smiling he lived for his daughter who is now 16 the best DJ ever lived his music it was only come the end the night we spoke in the phone before his passing he said he was feeling down and scared by the time the ambulance got their etc it was too late he had passed it’s been a year and 2 months I’ve been crying on and off since then no help for mental health or bereavement I feel I’m losing myself life has never been the same but I have to persevere 
because of my own daughters a lot older they say grief is love with no place to go you just learn to carry it with you I’m so sorry for your loss take each day as it comes
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad, @Lynnbug. It sounds like it was such a shock to you. Your dad seems like he was an amazing man.
I’m glad you’ve been able to reach out to the community and I hope you find it to be a support to you. I can see you’ve had some helpful responses already, but I just wanted to share these links with you as I know many of our members who have lost someone to suicide have found them useful.
- Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide offer support to people over 18 who have been affected by suicide. They have a support line on 0300 111 5065 and run support groups nationally.
- Support after Suicide has a list of local and national support.
Take good care and keep reaching out.
Seaneen
Thank you Eveybabes. I’m so sorry for your loss too 
I read somewhere that when we lose a loved one to suicide its like grief with the volume turned up. So many questions that we will probably never get answers to. Sending you lots of love 
Yes my grief is raw and full volume aswell it’s not easy is it every day I look at his photos and think why such a shame I never saw the signs he always seems happy
Really sorry, Lynnbug, that must be very hard. Often it has little to do with someone’s life, it can be due to a form of depression completely unrelated to real life. I am an ex-psychiatric nurse, so have some knowledge. I am trying to think of a physicist who took his life in the 19th Century. He was a very clever and able man, well-respected and with a loving family. Oh Boltzmann! That’s his name. Your dad sounds as though he was similar, he felt very badly depressed and that everyone would be better off without him. Anyway, I hope you and your family recover from such a horrendous loss
Thank you xxx
@Eveybabes Many people who are depressed can feign happiness, smile, laugh, seem perfectly well. Many years ago, soon after my mum died, I decided to train as a psychiatric nurse. I was still grieving and quite low in mood, but almost no-one noticed, or if they did they decided to do nothing about it. However one man, a doctor who was a registrar, was very kind, he used to give me a hug and tell me how I was smiling even though I was so sad. Very decent man. I hope he did well in his career.
Often a gross misinterpretation of mood can be very upsetting. Recently a colleague said to me it was nice to see me looking so happy. I didn’t say so, but this made me more unhappy than I already was. It felt like she was saying that I felt the death of my partner was so unimportant to me that I was over it after a few months. I am sure this wasn’t her intention, but she, in my opinion, should have thought more carefully before speaking.
There’s a form of depression which used to be known as endogenous depression, this is an abysmally low mood totally unconnected with real life and loved ones. Often otherwise inexplicable suicides are down to this.
Sorry I’ve repeated myself a bit with the last paragraph!
Thank you Harry. Theres no need to apologise, I appreciate your insight. It helps make some sense of things to learn about these conditions. I know how much Dad loved us all, and I will hold on to that along with the belief that we will meet again on the other side.
I’m very sorry for your loss as well
@Lynnbug Thanks, at the moment I am in chaos, as the loss of my partner has left huge holes in my life and, of course, means the loss of plans I was making .
I am sure someone as respected and well-loved as your dad was ended his life because his mood was very, very low. I worked as a psychiatric nurse and am now a carer and my knowledge and experience makes me think I am right.
Just in case anyone gets the wrong idea, l have put the “plans I was making”, because my partner was very ill at the time and I was trying to think of nice things we could do when she had recovered sufficiently. This shows how much we can be in denial.
I still think I’m in denial - not through choice, its just difficult to accept. I use work as a distraction but we can’t outrun grief. It caught up with me and hit me hard. So now, when real, raw, painful grief shows up I let it, and I get through it as best as I can till I can function again.
Sending you lots of love. Thank you again for your input
I agree, I still speak to A, my partner, as I can’t believe at some level that she won’t be coming back. I have heard it’s healing to talk to a dead loved one. If nothing else you can talk to them about unresolved issues, things you left unsaid, etc.
I am astonished at how unthinking people can be: I just paid an outstanding bill and wrote to say it was on behalf of my now deceased partner and I have now received an email addressed to her! It’s things like this you would expect people to be a bit more careful over.
Lots of love to you too, I hope you have plenty of things and people to provide pleasant distraction and reduce your grief as much as possible xx
Thank you I’m slowly getting their doctors put me on medication 
as fiancé passed suddenly so so sad like you said no one notices these things I blame myself as
Should have been their he was always smiling lived for his daughter whose 16 and his love for music being a DJ and radio presenter for charity radio stations I always say morning babe good night and miss his pics people may think I’m mad but it helps a lot I’m so sorry for every one who’s lost a love done through suicide x
Medication will help, but it’s not a panacea. It should help to lift your mood though. I think the best way is to use the medication to help you work through the worst of the grief.
Talking to yourself is perfectly natural and IMO helps. There’s also evidence to back that up
The sudden shock of them being there and then gone, whatever the cause of death is very hard to bear. I still expect this to be a bad dream and to be talking to my partner in a favourite café and her telling me how lovely her grandson is.
Thank you and the medication is to lift my mood slightly he passed through suicide etc and was diabetic he didn’t want to be here anymore nobody knows what goes on inside someone’s mind he said the night he passed on the phone to me he felt down and scared I did call the ambulance but it was too late also the meds help because of the trauma of what I saw ptsd etc life can be so cruel sorry for your loss
You’re quite right, we can’t know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. It’s hard even for psychiatrists to judge how likely it is for someone to harm themselves.
PTSD can be tough to deal with. I had an accident, when someone hit the side of my van. I only just managed to stop before hitting a tree. I was aware how serious it could have been, so I had trouble sleeping for a while after that.
Suicide is sadly commoner than people think. My partner had a former boyfriend who took his life - probably due to drink and drug issues. Much later a friend of hers became schizophrenic and committed suicide. I think all I can is those who commit suicide, were they able, would say they bitterly regretted doing it and the pain caused to lived ones. I think this because of the number of “survivors” I have worked with.
He was going to mind for mens but don’t think it was enough shame really he had so much to live for he would have been 53 next month drink is the devils juice I call it he was very depressed issues from when he was very young you think you can deal with things but the brain can only take so much the medication I take helps too sleep etc but the pain etc will never go away memories are all that’s left and photos etc x