My wife (32) lost her mum at the start of December. She is from South Africa and we flew out here in October when she became very unwell and was in hospital for around 6 weeks before she passed.
She had Type 2 Diabetes and was always quite secretive about some of the symptoms she was having, and was very reluctant to go to the doctors and take medication - partly due to her concerns about money (there was plenty) and also her South African Indian background, where there is some reluctance to be seen by white doctors following Apartheid.
We live over in the UK and both work busy, full time jobs. We’ve come over a couple of times for around 1-2 months in the past couple of years to help with bits at the house and force both her mum and dad to the doctors, paying for it all ourselves. They have both been reluctant to arrange their medical insurance and to be proactive about their health.
During the grieving process, my wife has been feeling incredible guilt, saying that she should have recognised that her mum was unwell and should have come out to South Africa for a lot longer to make sure everything was in place. Over Christmas, she has started to make it clear that our relationship has contributed to killing her mum. She has said that she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to get over it and our relationship will always feel not enough, as it led to her losing her mum.
I’ve been supportive the whole way through and have always been there where possible to look after her parents. I’m struggling to know what to do, as I am emotionally and practically supporting both her and her dad, while also battling with the guilt and blame.
Does anyone have any advice on how to support a partner through this long-term guilt and self blame? And whether it will get any easier?